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I'm 22 and I was treated for depression about a year ago. Because of University I kinda managed to totally occupy my mind at that point and managed to somewhat function my way to a degree. Now that's over, my low mood has come back in full force with the added symptom of "obsessive thoughts."
My obsessive thoughts center around death, the (in my personal belief) lack of an afterlife and the impending death of my parents. They mess me up so badly, to the point I won't eat, can't sleep - I pretty much spend my time thinking about death and it's inevitability and it's ruining my. I'm anxious about it.
My parent are aware and so are one or two friends, and I've been given the spiel about "don't worry about death and enjoy life" or "they've lived a good life" in reference to my parents, but I simply can't accept it. I know I have to, but when I try to I break down - I can't work, I can't do anything. I can't help but feel everything is pointless in the face of inevitable death. Why do anything if I'm just going to die and not remember it? Why can other people go on enjoying their lives when all I can do is imagine everyone I meet rotting in the ground?
I've been put on 20MG of Citalopram and have been given 2MG of Diazepram (The diazepram was to calm me and help me sleep - which it did not do.) I've only been on the Citalopram a day, and I know it takes a while to take effect, but I literally don't think I can live like this - I don't want to die, honestly, but on the flip side I think to myself "if I won't remember life anyway why not die now?" And to me that reasoning makes sense. At least then i won't have to live through the deaths of those around me, trying to accept that they're just gone and the body I once identified as them is rotting away.
I really, really need help - Samaritans haven't been able to help, my GP gave me some advice on breathing and mindfulness that proved ineffective and I'm upsetting my father with all this talk of death. Can anyone, please, offer any sort of help or a "do this and you'll be cured!" fix? I know they don't exist, but I really don't know what to do.
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