Depression/Obsessive thoughts/Medication - help?

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I'm 22 and I was treated for depression about a year ago. Because of University I kinda managed to totally occupy my mind at that point and managed to somewhat function my way to a degree. Now that's over, my low mood has come back in full force with the added symptom of "obsessive thoughts."

My obsessive thoughts center around death, the (in my personal belief) lack of an afterlife and the impending death of my parents. They mess me up so badly, to the point I won't eat, can't sleep - I pretty much spend my time thinking about death and it's inevitability and it's ruining my. I'm anxious about it. 

My parent are aware and so are one or two friends, and I've been given the spiel about "don't worry about death and enjoy life" or "they've lived a good life" in reference to my parents, but I simply can't accept it. I know I have to, but when I try to I break down - I can't work, I can't do anything. I can't help but feel everything is pointless in the face of inevitable death. Why do anything if I'm just going to die and not remember it? Why can other people go on enjoying their lives when all I can do is imagine everyone I meet rotting in the ground? 

I've been put on 20MG of Citalopram and have been given 2MG of Diazepram (The diazepram was to calm me and help me sleep - which it did not do.) I've only been on the Citalopram a day, and I know it takes a while to take effect, but I literally don't think I can live like this - I don't want to die, honestly, but on the flip side I think to myself "if I won't remember life anyway why not die now?" And to me that reasoning makes sense. At least then i won't have to live through the deaths of those around me, trying to accept that they're just gone and the body I once identified as them is rotting away.

I really, really need help - Samaritans haven't been able to help, my GP gave me some advice on breathing and mindfulness that proved ineffective and I'm upsetting my father with all this talk of death. Can anyone, please, offer any sort of help or a "do this and you'll be cured!" fix? I know they don't exist, but I really don't know what to do.

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  • Posted

    Hi.  I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time.  Are you able to afford to see a therapist as I think that this might help.  The Citalopram will take a while to kick in so hopefully it will help you feel better soon, but it most probably won't be the answer to your issues.  GPs are very quick to offer medication but our health service doesn't seem to be too quick on getting to the root of the problem, a bit like telling someone to go on a diet without getting to the reason why they comfort eat.

    Have you tried Cognitive Behavoural Therapy?  There are lots of self help books available but it's best if you can see a therapist.  You could ask your GP to refer you to one as it seems that others on this forum have been refered by a GP so it must be something they can do.

    I can understand your logic about the fact that we all die in the end, but the thing you are missing is the enjoyment that can be had from life.  If you are depressed you lose sight of the enjoyment life can bring.  Try to find one thing each day that you are thankful for and seek out things that you like even if it's a small thing like chosing something really nice to have for breakfast or listening to a song you really like and appreciate that for those few minutes you are enjoying something.  It's about taking small steps to balance your life so that when the bad things happen like the death of a parent you have the coping mechanisms and memories of the good things to help you get through it.  It's so easy to go over all the bad things and forget about the good.  I don't know why are brains work that way.

    I hope you start to feel better soon.


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    • Posted

      I can't afford anything right now as I've been off work for a little while due to this. But my GP has asked me to self-refer for CBT at a nearby mental health group called Fresh Start. Ironically nobody was there to take my call so I've left a message. 

      Thank you for the advice, I'll give it a try. 

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  • Posted

    Hi, It's good that you wrote on here as people can understand depression. I understand about the death issue thou not to the extent that you have it. I have had depression on and off for years and then a few months back i started to get anxiety for the first time. I know it started from the fact my Nephew died at age 40 and i remember seeing him a couple of months before he died and the shock of his condition sent me into a panic. I also lost another Nephew 2 years ago at 35 through suicide and my husband through suicide at age 28 thou that was a long time ago. I am on Citalopram now and feeling better. I would say have you tried Counselling or talking therapies as this could be very helpful. Death is a natural process but sometimes we can displace it and get obsorbed with it. Berevement is normal, to greive when someone dies.You do need to enjoy your life your so young to be worried about death to this extent. Please look into therapies. Hope this helps. Keep in touch on this forum for some support.

    young to be worried about death. 

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    • Posted

      I'm so sorry to hear about all the loss surrounding you, but I'm also really inspired by your ability to deal with it. You're right that i'm quite young, and sometimes I can forget that, forget that it's okay for me at 22 to not be settled or on a career path or any of that stuff. I'm so glad citalopram has helped you and I hope it starts to help me too, I suppose like everything it just takes time. 

      Thank you

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