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Hi, I hope some people can read this and help me or share their experiences. I’m french so sorry my faults.
So, 2 months ago, I was with my boyfriend, I had a moment of panick. Actually, he asked me 4 month ago to move on with him (but he wasnt into it, and wasn’t planning anything). It was the best thing of my life. So, 2 month ago I was at his place talking about our vacations in October and he was doing something else. And I Felton disappointed. And I started freaking out. I sent a message to my best friend telling her “Omg, if I move on with him, what’s about passion in relationship ? And I don’t want to be the only that care about us.”
I told that to my boyfriend, we talked and I though it was ok. But then I realize some modification in my behavior. I was less jealous, less upset, less close to him. So, another panick. And this one is here since 2 months.
No I’m always thinking “Do I love him ? What does love mean ? Is it the only one ? Is there someone outside better for me ? Do I want to move on with him ?”
And I’m looking at his flaws, which stupid cause I know I love him and find him so beautiful. But when I look at him it looks like something is missing. And I don’t what and why ...
The worst thing is not even that. Probably a month ago, I’ve started to think about my ex. I feel so guilty. I feel I’m an horrible person.
I’m am with my actual boyfriend since 3 years. The most amazing 3 years of my life.
I’ve been with my ex boyfriend during 2 years. And it was awful. Always arguing. I was not happy, the only memories I have are with his family that I liked a lot, of about gifts he gave me. But we had nothing in common. During my actual relationship I’ve already talked to him. But not in good terms, I mean, all my friends already did that and I’ve never thought about him, as he missed me or something else.
And now it’s all confusion in my head. I’m like “Whaf if i still love him after all this time ? What does it means to think about him ? What if it’s what I deserve ?”
I can’t do it anymore. I want my relationship to go back to what it was.
When I think about my ex, I have 0 memories with him. But I have moment of simple life. And I want that with my boyfriend.
My therapist asked me if I looked depressed before. Actually since April I’ve noticed some difference in my reactions. Not about my boyfriend. Like, less expressive and less happy or upset, all those a big feelings.
But it was ok. I mean I wasn’t unhappy. But now thaf it toucha my relationship I’m so lost.
And now I don’t know if I am like this because i have trouble in my relationship or if i have trouble in my relationship because I’m depressed.
For example, I went in Germany last week. And on the airport to come I loose my passport. I had my ID but it was out of date. And I did not freak out. I was “let’s just see”.
And I don’t if I reacted this way because I was sad bc of my couple of just because I’m not enjoying things anymore.
Idk what to think about all that.
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