Depression sux

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My name is matt...im 31 years old, ive been dealing with depression for as long as i can remember basically...years ago wen i was 13 i watched as my father die and i couldnt do a damn thing to help him it messed me up pretty bad n i ultimately fell into drugs to try make myself happy i guess...i did that for years untill i ended up in and out of prison which made me just feel like a failure n didnt want to live n e more...i was seeing a doctor and was put on meds but they didnt do a damn thing, i was basically a guinea pig for the doctor to find the rite meds for bout 4 years but fell back into a whole and ended up back in jail...now i been out for a few months and got a good job and probation has taken me off all my meds...everyone says how im doing sooo good and im always happy but its a front...i smile and make pple laugh all the time but noone knos its all a front...im really hurting deep and i dont want this n e more...i need some advise

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  • Posted

    Hi Matt depression does suck!! Congratulations for getting out of jail and staying out and getting a good job. But...you now have to work on your inner pain! I lived like that until I was about your age due to a severe childhood and some life experiences pushed me into help that I always wanted but could not find. By then they had some really good counsellors and I went to work being brutally honest about my feelings and childhood. It worked and today I am so...much different. My insides match my outsides if that makes sense. I have a nephew that could be reading your mail. My brother and his father passed away 10 months after he got out of jail the last time. He worshipped his dad. My nephew has started his own business got real and got into counseling got married and is the father of his 2 beautiful daughters. Help is on the way! I suggest you get help on your own (counseling) but the meds do you have to talk that over with probation? I know that pee test you. Hope some of what I have shared helped I did pay attention to what you said about trying meds for years no luck. But a combo with good counseling. Maybe. Please keep us posted we care like no other we are/or have been there. You are not alone!! Diane
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  • Posted

    Hi Matt,

    It sounds like you have had a really tough life but come through a lot of adversity & now turning your life around. Well done for getting a good job which will help restore your self confidence & self-belief. This in turn should keep you focussing on the future & not looking back at your past. The whole medication thing can be a lottery & I'm trying the "natural" approach at the moment. I feel as if it allows me to stay with my emotions (good & bad) rather than numbing me. The down side is the emotional pain. Where does the root of your pain lie? Is it still the grieving process that needs healing? Don't regret the past: all your choices have got you to this point - I can tell you are a strong guy. Have you ever had any grief counselling? It could help to address unresolved pain. Don't give up hope. Keep in touch with this forum & you will find support when you need it. Take care

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  • Posted

    Thank u for tryn look out for me and i can tell least there is pple out there who do care about others even if they dont kno them...im honestly trying the whole no med thing like i said first bc of probation, i kno they cant stop me from taking meds but i also dont need them making my life n e more difficult by constantly watching my every move...n second i really just want to live a normal life with no meds or n e of that...it seems like its getting harder as the days go but im just gonna keep doing what im doing for now untill i either cant take n e more n crack or i find peace which ever comes first...i did have a counsoler for a while but then when i went back to jail the last time i honestly been ashamed to even go see her...i kno she will understand but i hate feeling like a failure n thats honestly how i feel everday and i hate it...i feel like ive let everyone down and that they b better off without me, i kno thats not how they see it but its how i feel...does anyone else use humor to deflect the pain they feel inside??..its something i been doing for a long time and it seems to hide how i feel from everyone but i feel like dying inside...thanks for your feedback, i will keep in touch
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  • Posted

    Hi again Matt. Yes I know how it feels to act one way and feel another that was one of the things that I worked hard in therapy to change. One other thing I want to say about you being ashamed to go see your counselor again she will probably be very happy to see you again! And I had to learn that I could not save my "face" and my "a_ _" at the same time. You know what I mean? Keep us posted please. I want you to have the best of everything. Act your way into it. Diane

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