Depression: The Biggest A-Hole to Ever Exist

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Depression really sucks. Ive been struggling with this horrid beast for a few years now. And for some reason I haven't been able to shake it yet. I am alone so much that when I actually am around people I become very nervous and anxious feeling like I am being juged in every aspect. (She looks dumb, why is her voice that way, why does she stand like that, she is ugly) pretty much any and everything you can think of. I have managed to push EVERYONE away besides my bf and mother. And they are becoming weary of me. It's understandable though. I am always sad. I never have positive thoughts about myself. And I am the absolute worst comunicator that ever lived. I keep everything in. I hardly speak so when I do go to express myself or my opinion on something I'm spilling out everything talking in circles and not making sense. What is wrong with me? 

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  • Posted

    You are certainly not alone in this fight for survival.  I too have suffered depression for many years and find that I always retreat away from people from the fear of being judged.  I spend so much time on my own now and although I am extremely lonely, I don't want anyone around me.  Its a vicious circle of emotion and very difficult one to climb back from.  Please don't think you are alone you have everyone on here who totally understand how you feel.

    Gillian xx

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    • Posted

      Thanks Gillian (: it is really refreshing to see someone else who understands my struggle although it still pains me bc I would never wish it anyone.  I don't like being lonely either but can't be around people. I do want to though. It's just like you said its a fer of being judged. But I don't want that to hold me back any longer as it has. I see everyone "happy" and living their lives and I want that too. You know? I'm tired of this taking ahold of me. I feel like I am stronger than this. I know it! We all are. I always say fear is the weakest of all emotions. And I'm tired of being weak. But damn Gillian it's really hard. It really is
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    • Posted

      It is hard Nelebe and we will get through it.  Rejections is a big thing for me, I just want someone who will care for me and show me how good life can be so I can start enjoying it again.

      I wouldn't wish this on anyone either and it does take a hold of you, its finding a way to let go of it and start smiling again. Sounds easy enough but it's the hardest thing ever.

      xx

       

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    • Posted

      I probably only get a few weeks of feeling on top of the world then bang it hits me again.  I manage it fine at times and other times it really hits me hard.
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    • Posted

      A few weeks that's not too bad. Some can't make it a few days you know so you have some kind of hold over it that's really good. You should really proud of yourself. ❤️ When you were younger did you always find yourself alone often or were you always surrounded by others? Like friends family loved ones...Bc I am the same way except I can only go a few days w being happy and then I revert back to this place. (A mess I know) and I was thinking it was bc I was never allowed to stay attached to ppl. (If that makes sense) I moved around so much that the friendships I made we'd be really close for the time I was around then boom I'm gone and it's on to the next state/school/friend you know? 
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    • Posted

      When it hits me I crumbled and just hide away from everyone.  When I was younger I was an outgoing person, if you had to ask my family they would tell you I am a confident person who has a heart of gold and some of them cant believe that i suffer from depression until they actually saw what it does to me.  I don't have a circle of friends as such, I have one really close friend who is great and really helps me out when I am down.  But the more time I spend on my own the more I want to be on my own but I am so lonely (silly isn't it).
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    • Posted

      That's not silly at all. To me that just says that you are still that fun outgoing confident person. Loving caring with a heart of gold you just don't believe it yourself. I'm sure you've probably had people tell you otherwise and it's probably stuck out the most. Have had ppl you've cared for and loved and they just didn't appreciate it and tried to make you feel like it wasn't enough but hunny you are amazing! To be honest and it may sound dumb but the little that you've shared w me has actually turned my day around you were the first person to reply to my discussion and show support even though you are not feeling so giddy yourself. That says a lot to me. You saw someone struggling and did not hesitate to reach out. It's the little things and I think you should celebrate yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for not giving up and staying true to your kind heart. Go you Gillian! Haha ❤️
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    • Posted

      Nelebe I love helping others and I am glad I helped you smile today, that means a lot of me.  I know what its like to struggle and I wouldn't wish that on anyone so if I can give a few encouraging words so help them then I will time and time again.

      I came on here yesterday and it helped me a little just by talking to people and hearing their kind word of comfort, so we are all helping each other which is what it's all about.

      Thank you Nelebe. xx

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  • Posted

    In a word it sounds very much like depression. Are you on medication? If so how long is it since it was reviewed.Have you had any talking therapies? The reason I am asking I am in a similar situation. I was on same antidepressant for 8 years. I eventually finished work and thought I would finally recover. However 18 months down the line I had a new  Gp, he immediately referred me for CBT. That helped but towards the end of therapy in July thid year I started slipping back. Finally in sept he changed my meds, we had discussed referral to psychiatrist but he is waiting a bit longer because the medication he changed me to had to be stopped due to side effects, he is trying a third antidepressant which I am not to sure about although just at the moment I feel good but tomorrow I could feel really low. Can't be bothered, have really black thoughts very negative about myself, quiet, unable to express myself or make decisions.

    Do not think you are alone or the only one everyone on this site can probably relate to your situation you are making the first step by talking and people here will hive you advice. Yes it foes seem everyone is happy and getting on with life, but we don't know what pain they may be hiding. As for people judging you it is only a thought as my CBT therapist would say show me the evidence to which I couldn't so how do you know they ate judging you. 

    If you haven't been reviewed I suggest you make an appointment to see a GP and write everything down what you ate feeling.

    Good luck keep me informed I' m here to help.

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    • Posted

      I want try counseling but it's really expensive I've tried online counseling but it was only for a week and then it became really expensive. Talking therapists are even more costly so I'm trying to wait until I have funds for it. I refuse to take anitdepressants though. I just refuse to rely on a medication for my happiness when I know deep within myself I can do it. A lot of time those make it worse I've heard of ppl having more severe suicidal thoughts while on these pills sometimes not being able to function w/o them. Being in a depression state of mind we are more subseptable to bring about an addictive personality attaching ourselves to whatever makes us feel good for the time being whether it be good or bad. I just don't trust them. It's all a subcontious thing too. Bc they are given to us to make us feel better we sych ourselves into thinking that it's working. Do you get what I'm saying or do I sound like a babbling crazy person? Lol 
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    • Posted

      I do get what you are saying, but sometimes we need to have medication in order to stabilize an illness. Eg if it was for an irregular heart beat would you be reluctant to take medication. Yes I know antidepressants may make some more suicidal but it is not always the case. 

      I presume you are not in Britain having to pay for counselling or talking therapist, or I may just be very lucky in my area because I got it on the nhs.

      I have never really thought about an addictive personality and attaching self to something that makes us feel good but I will agree as that had happened to me several times, but I have managed to get through it by constantly saying give it time, but yes it is very tough.

      I wish you luck in what ever you decide to do, but don't just right off medication because unless you do give it a go you will never know and you can always stop it maybe having to do it grafually  if you are on for any length of time.

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    • Posted

      Yea I understandrolleyes It just scares me. When you were one the first ad the one you said worked for 8 yrs, did you take it daily or was it just whenever you felt down? And no not Britain I WISH lol I'm in America. I wish to see Britain one day though I hear it's beautiful!
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    • Posted

      Sorry but I don't really understand the faces properly  I am not of the generation brought up with computers and smiley faces parttciularly those that move, so you do not have to apologise to me for that  coz I don't know what it means ha ha. ( I'm an old git as my kids would say).

      Anyway yes I did take it everyday, I supposed it got to be a bit of a habit,/ dependency but why the heck it kept me going through a very stressful job with constant changes by government legislation and management. I was a nurse but at a high grade so a lot was expected of us.

      My close working colleagues knew i was taking them and others knew I had had post natal depression 21 years ago, but did not know I had to go back on antidepressants 13 years later. A lot of people didn't even know I had mental health problems.

      One of my immediate colleagues  who is a mental health nurse specialist started on antidepressants and even she said if I have to take a little pill for the rest of my life to help prevent relapse then i will. 

      There are a lot of positives which you need to focus on there are lots of people out there in similar situations but fue to help whether it be from people or from a little pilly not to focus on the negatives too much, 

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    • Posted

      Sorry Nelebe caught reply button to soon, told you I'm an old hit ha ha,

      Due to help from people or maybe a little pill lots of people are managing very well and you wouldn't know.

      Try not to be scared thete will not be a sign over your forehead saying I am taking antidepressant. And you will know within a few weeks whether they really suit you.

      Hope this helps. I'm not saying it is the complete answer but if it gives you a better life then it must be worth it. God Bless xx

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