Description of depressive thoughts

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my name is Kaityn, I Am 19 and almost 20 years old and have been experiencing severe depressive symptoms and my family and my very close sister don't even want to be around me and does not help support me or attempt to help me feel better which hurts more. Anyways how I vent is through writing and descriptive text. So this is my description of depression and what I feel like 24/7. 

There's beautiful horror in this hell in my mind. It consumes everything like a quiet blue flame, the hottest most painful flame. Spreading like a malignant pathogen all over your body it consumes you heart, soul, and mind for you to question your own sanity and if life is worth living any longer. It consumes you until you're nothing but a ball of sobs and tears that absolutely no one could care love or understand anymore. Help please somebody anybody help me, the sobs that grew from tears of sadness to tears of utter shame hatred and shear hopelessness. It makes you wonder, if you died, who would miss you? Who really loved you all along? Would you be able to see them? To feel if they care to feel their tears on your old soul? I ponder about knowing more and more every waking minute until that's who I am. Run run run I say however silly me I cannot escape from my thoughts and my own emotions. The people closest to you hurt the most and act as if they care the least. Who do you call? Who can you call that really knows and understands you? That won't describe you as a burden or a nuisance of life rather than a troubled human being? The thought that somebody could actually care about you instead of the sharp knife of the short life is the upmost rewarding gift that can be sent. You need a hero, you're the hero and used to be the hero. You need a hero to save your life, save your life from yourself. The physical chills you get, the sick stomach sensation that makes you want to die, all from feeling cold and empty on the inside. The looks the words of simplicity and melancholy when your lovely soul mates in life break you to say "suck it up, you have no reason to be sad." The worst most gut wrenching command, "stop" a simple one syllabled word can shatter you. How many tears may ducts produce? Is there ever an end? Metaphorically and physically speaking. What are you supposed to resort to when your sweet face is swollen and plush from the sting of fresh tears at 2,3,4, or even 5 in the morning? It's just you in a dark cold room, you alone with your devious and evil thoughts and conjurings? How do you shut it off or down? You feel trapped confused overwhelmed guilty far from loved like a burden or a stressor to the ones who are supposed to be your trees, walls, or other metaphors of support. It's the worst feeling ever, it's just a slow flame that burns and burns everything inside of you slowly and painfully, depression.

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  • Posted

    I think you know why your depressed, your brain doesn't feel on par with everybody elses does it? I'm hazarding at a guess here, but you get bored easily with others conversation, or simple programmes on tv, your mind needs to be constantly on, learning, exploring, having deep meaning interesting topics to be part of. Have you looked into a writing club? You write very well, you should find one where you can be come part of a group where you can all talk about your talents, Edgar Allen Poe had to have suffered from depression, i loved him. Check out your local library for a club, or colleges that have course in english, which you can attend, hope you are ok, Nick .
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    • Posted

      Wow nick your good at guessing, and thank you, I appreciate that. Honestly there's so many small things to why I am that I can never pinpoint what to tell people when they ask what's wrong. The people I love the most, my sister for example can't even talk to me and the rest of my family says I just stress them out i posted this because I just wanted to be heard, understood, feelings that everyone craves
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    • Posted

      I agree with Nick. Your in a dark place but your writing is amazing, a real talent and is your light in a dark tunnel. Embrace it, find clubs locally or online. You could even write story's and sell them, on Amazon books.

      remeber though,  people's actions are not a reflection of you. people don't get you don't worry move forward and find like minded people that do.

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  • Posted

    Really good writing, hit the nail on the head. I hate those lines too "just snap out of it, you've got so much to be happy about" just expands the feelings of guilt and confusion! I'm really sorry your family don't get how you're feeling, I feel the same with my boyfriend. He's understanding to an extent but doesn't totally get it. It can be tough but honestly I'm glad he doesn't suffer the way I do. So maybe there's a positive that at least your family don't suffer. Their treatment of you comes from lack of understanding which isn't their fault so try not to be too down on them about it.

    Great idea to meet new people and especially writers. You may find people you can open up to and who are on your wavelength. If you get understanding from elsewhere you may start to need this less from your family and be able to just relax around them, not needing them to totally get you. Best of luck with everything! Also great you've found a creative outlet that helps! How much literature, music and art would the world have missed out on without all the tortured souls! Silver linings smile

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