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Diagnosed with GAD & OCD intrusive thoughts for years, but this feels different. Any help please?

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DaleT95
DaleT95

Feel mediocre when I wake up, I have the thought of "do I still feel like I did the past week?" then I feel as though that starts the circle off again followed by rumination. As the day goes on I get fluctuations in my mood, going from suicidal to again, feeling mediocre. Being around my mam makes me feel worse as I suffer from intrusive thoughts aimed towards her and I can't stay in the room with her as I feel I will act on these thoughts. It makes me feel as though I'm going to have a panic attack and a queezy stomach. Throughout the day I try to keep myself distracted by gaming and constantly have to have my friend with me unless I feel as though I will be a danger to myself. I keep having ruminating thoughts on being able to hear things, I feel as though my brain and ears are constantly on high alert trying to listen out for something. Some noises I hear ( normal noises like a car door shutting outside, or a bird chirping, my brain is misinterpreting if it's in my head or outside even thought it's clearly outside but my brain just won't accept that fact. I feel like i'm in the worst nightmare imaginable and I can't wake up from it. Things look different in colour and looks scary, and certain noises sound scary when they shouldn't, as I've said, it just feels as though everything is scary when in reality it isn't but the feelings I'm experiencing are extremely real. For some reason I keep asking myself every few minutes "can I hear anything in my head" and I just cant switch that thought off and it's plagued me for months. I've always been very emotionally sensitive to things to do with myself or others. For example, if I feel I haven't gave a friend or family member the same portion as me, whether that's food or drink, it absolutely tortures me and I feel like an awful human being and fixate on that thought for quite some time. I'm constantly thinking about things I've done in the past like talked behind someone's back and that thought hurts me so much mentally, even if it's something trivial. I'm always questioning my sanity all the time, and worrying extensively over things I know are silly, but they don't feel silly to me, they feel like a huge problem. I'm always living under these "rules" I set myself, for example. "if I don't go to bed before 6AM I'll have the worst intrusive thoughts and I'll crack up and have a huge panic attack, so when I try to go bed before that time, I have a hard time doing so, my intrusive thoughts are just towards innocent/vulnerable people, my mam being one of them, it kinda seems to be towards people who treat me really nice. If it was a "hard faced" person, who was confident and outspoken, I wouldn't have any thoughts towards them, I've been in my room for 10 days not wanting to leave as I'm having a fear of leaving the house, I don't feel safe in public as I'm suffering from feelings of detachment and things aren't looking familiar to me. I'm on 45mg of Mirtazapine and have been for around a year. 2 days ago I was put on 5mg of olanzapine and I'm curious as to whether they can make me feel detached from reality? Diazepam isn't helping as it's having no effect on my brain what so ever but just making my muscles feel relaxed which I'm fully aware that's what it is.

Any help at all will be of great help to me and I'll fully appreciate it. I'm 24 years old and absolutely terrified of this. Thanks for reading guys.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • patient_mod1
    patient_mod1 DaleT95

    Posted

    Hi DaleT95

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

    • DaleT95
      DaleT95 patient_mod1

      Posted

      I've been with a mental health team for around 2 weeks now, I still don't feel any improvement. Thanks for your reply.

  • DaleT95
    DaleT95

    Posted

    Does anyone else feel like their brains are working against them? I feel as though my brain is trying to make everything look scary and misinterpreting sounds etc. It's like my brains trying to make everything around me look scary, and it's working. Any help please.

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