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Hi I am 36 years old and have been suffering from depression since the age of twelve, I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child and my life has been a shambles ever since then I don't let people in and hurt the people who matter most to me. I am very reclusive from my family over the years as they don't know anything about my issues as a child, and I've always been afraid that if I started talking to them then I wouldn't be able to stop so I kept my distance from them, I thought that my life was in a bad place then seven years ago I met the love of my life and we have a lovely daughter and got married three and half years ago, just when I thought I had my life on the right track disaster struck me once more as I went to visit my mum only to find her having a heart attack this was three years ago on the 5th of August, iad to perform cpr on her but, I can just remember the fear on her face the paramedics arrived after what seemed like an eternity and as I was outside the room I could her the machine say that there was no output I was devastated, then out of the blue they said that they have a rhythm so we went to the hospital but sadly she passed away that evening so I had seen my mum pass away twice in one day I was gutted there was so many things that I should have said, simple things like that I loved her but I never took the time to tell her. After that I made myself a promise that I would always remember her as she was but that didn't last as my negativity would eventually take control. Just recently I completely forgot the anniversary of my mum's death, I was gutted I felt so low like I had let her down all over again and then to make matters worse I went to work the next day and did the most shameful and disgusting thing ever cause I was upset and hurting and angry with myself this cost me my job and any chance of happiness I had, as my relationship with my wife broke down as a result of not only this but I guess many years of pushing people away. I lost everything my house my wife and my daughter as I now have to work almost seven days a week juggling 2 jobs just to keep my head financially above water. I know that it's my fault but I just want the pain to stop I feel so low and ashamed of what I've become struggling to get by on a daily basis. I'm sorry for ranting on just could stop once I got started just don't know what to do next

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  • Posted

    Hi what a sad tale and I am so sorry for all you are suffering.

    The first thing to do is to forgive yourself.

    The second is to learn from your mistakes in the past and move on.

    Now I am not suggesting for a minute that you can do this overnight nor will it be easy and you will need some time to lick your wounds and get your head together.

    I said forgive yourself because you are only human and us humans make lots of mistakes in life.  The positive thing is that you did go and see your mother and was there when she died.  That must have been a great comfort to her.  I also think she knew more about you than you realised and knew despite everything how much you loved her and her you.  You cannot change the past only the future.

    I said the second thing because when you have had time to think a bit and picked yourself up a bit then you need to learn from your mistakes like we all need to.  Not everyone does but make sure the lesson sticks. That doesn't change it but it does mean you can take control of your future so a positive is coming out of the negative. 

    I would suggest for now that you just try and survive and get through the days as best you can.  You might also want to ask your doctor for some help and get some meds and/or counselling.  When you have reached your lowest point then the only way is up and that is all you can do for now. 

    I am not religious but I do believe that our loved ones watch over us and your mother will always be with you..  Make her proud of you and let her know that you have learned from this and are leading as good and as happy life as possible. 

    Stay with us and we will help and support you all we can.  Take care.  x


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    • Posted

      Thanks for the kind words but I honestly believe that if my mother a knew what I've done then she would be ashamed as I am of myself. I dimple seem to feel the need to destroy and happiness that comes my way. I've been on martazipane 45mg for almost two years but had to stop taking them recently as my shift pattern dictates that I must work nights as well and it's with an agency as this is the only job that I could get after what happened with my last job, I know that I am the reason that I am in this position the problem is that every time I think I'm at the bottom then something a else drags me even further into the darkness, the truth is I'm disgusted with myself and lost a career that I loved and that I was very gd at all in the space of 30 seconds, I am my own worse enemy just wish that I could open a hatch into my head so that people could so how horrible and dark it is and that the could experience all the things that I've had to endure in life before they judge me, my father N law calls me a low life cause of what I did and my wife said that she hates me and is disgusted by me, I know what I did was wrong and wish I could change but I can't it was a stupid mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my days just feel like such a failure and scared of what is next

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  • Posted

    Listen, we are all different, but a couple similarities we ALL have, a couple are; being born and dying. My mama also passed away 3 years ago...that isnt true. She died 9 years ago, but I just wanted to illustrate how the time has felt to me. You'll never really get over it (or, I havent thus far if so), but you kinda acclimate to it. I was bannanna-crap psycho, for the first...probably, honestly 3 years after she died...which cost me EVERYTHING. I lost my mom, my family, dogs, possesissons and mind, all in less than 8 months. ...I was rendered homeless, having given our house to my wife and kids...moved in with my grandma... who died about 3 months later...followed by one of my best friends, about 2 months after that. I got so low that I thought that I should just die, or go onto a coma, or something, just from emotional strain...even hoped. ...and I will be 100% honest with you... my life is still in no way, how I would like it to be...nor do I have any idea what Im going to do to make it better...but, I came to this site, like, 2 weeks ago and was shown a lot of support and luv from complete strangers. And I realized something VERY important in myself... I still have hope! And that its totally FINE AND OKAY to be sad! Trying to rationaize what youre dealing with... I cant do, cause Im not you, plus, rationalizing the passing of our moms would be an exersise in absurdity... just know...whatever your coping method (isolation, crying, pretending to be happy, etc.) as long as it isnt hurting yourself or another, its YOUR way. And, everyone has a way. Dont convince yourself otherwise. And, you ARE NOT alone. Hi, Im Jessie. I give to you all the love in the world and hope this helps...even if a little...be it all the incoherent babble, I call helping... wink Chin up! J.J.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the kind words, this is the first time that I've done anything like this there is only a select few people who know about what I went through as a child. Don't know if it's a gd thing or a bad thing as it puts u out there and this is not something that I'm completely comfortable with. I'm so sorry for all that u have had to go through and hope that things get better in the future for you do u still have contact with your kids??

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    • Posted

      I dont know what you did but it doesnt matter

      You need to wash the shame and darkness you feel out of your system and your mind, only this way can you find relief and freedom.

      A path to recovery is found in working with someone(counselor) someone trusted, and slowly get out of it. I personally think that getting the childhood issues out the sooner the better so you can let it go and free yourself of the bondage that you dont own anymore.

      As you see here on the forum, you are WELL SUPPORTED and loved by strangers. So undoubtedly 



      HOPE. Lots of HOPE. 

      keep coming here, and things will improve for certain. Do not let your mind chatter control you, step out of that pattern, and begin the journey of the new you. Dont live in a past that doesnt exist anymore.

      Begin the journey of loving yourself and slowly your life will transform.


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    • Posted

      Thanks for kind words I've tried counselling in the past and I go for a while and things start to get really difficult and it's like being back there all over again and I'm not sure that I can survive it. I completely understand that I need to so this and c it through to the end as it has destroyed my world but if I have nothing to fight for then what keeps mo from doing something really daft, as u can't escape the darkness and all the things that I've lost were the things that gave me hope

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  • Posted

    YOU DO have hope.

    YOU CAN recreate yourself.

    YOU CAN.

    I think it may take pain for the gain, and the psychic pain you are dealing with now, is going to test you.

    You are worthy, and if you lose your daughter and work and wife for a while, so be it. for now its how it is but its not forever.

    The only way back to redemption is through going THROUGH the fear and shame.

    There is light and there is hope. 


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    • Posted

      I hope that u are right I'm waiting on my appointments from my local psychiatric nurse/counsellor. The fear that I have is that I need to work as my bills are considerably high but all my skills are set in an area which I'm not able to work in, so I'm working for agencys but I'm making a lot of mistakes so what happens if I loose that job as well then I will be essentially homeless with crippling debts, to add to all my other issues can't believe that I've done this to myself I just don't understand how or why it's come to this, I never thought that my life would be like this I was in my last job for more than ten years and loved it so why did I destroy it why. Hurting myself is one thing as it only effects me but to hurt someone who is innocent what does that make me

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    • Posted

      Getting in with the psychiatrist is the first order of events.

      dont  try and read into what if's. 

      You dont know if your going  to be homeless just one day at a time.

      When you say yourskills are set in an area you cant work in, why?

      Everyday do what you can to make things better and really just take it one day at a time.

      Take it one day at a time.

      you will get there, and you ill make your mother proud also and those around you that you may be abe to have a relationship with again the future.



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  • Posted

    I'm sorry for what you've been through.🙏

     I have the same problem I sabotage things too. I've heard it's a self destructive behavior. The person we  always hurt is ourselves we only sink more lower. Along with the others too.sad I don't know what you did but I kind of suspect since you said you lost your job and your wife left you. Forgive yourself let it go. Apologize to them and move forward. Please get Therapy. Therapy can help for the sexual abuse  trauma and self destructive behavior. I push people away too. This happens because I'm either depressed or frustrated. I'm not doctor  A therapist will diagnose you and provide the help you need. Best of Luck👍Take Care

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    • Posted

      Thanks for the kind words I know u are right about forgiving myself it's just so hard as my behaviour makes me feel disgusted as I never thought I was the type of person who would do such a thing can't even bring myself to say it out loud as I'm so ashamed.

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