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Hi I am 36 years old and have been suffering from depression since the age of twelve, I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child and my life has been a shambles ever since then I don't let people in and hurt the people who matter most to me. I am very reclusive from my family over the years as they don't know anything about my issues as a child, and I've always been afraid that if I started talking to them then I wouldn't be able to stop so I kept my distance from them, I thought that my life was in a bad place then seven years ago I met the love of my life and we have a lovely daughter and got married three and half years ago, just when I thought I had my life on the right track disaster struck me once more as I went to visit my mum only to find her having a heart attack this was three years ago on the 5th of August, iad to perform cpr on her but, I can just remember the fear on her face the paramedics arrived after what seemed like an eternity and as I was outside the room I could her the machine say that there was no output I was devastated, then out of the blue they said that they have a rhythm so we went to the hospital but sadly she passed away that evening so I had seen my mum pass away twice in one day I was gutted there was so many things that I should have said, simple things like that I loved her but I never took the time to tell her. After that I made myself a promise that I would always remember her as she was but that didn't last as my negativity would eventually take control. Just recently I completely forgot the anniversary of my mum's death, I was gutted I felt so low like I had let her down all over again and then to make matters worse I went to work the next day and did the most shameful and disgusting thing ever cause I was upset and hurting and angry with myself this cost me my job and any chance of happiness I had, as my relationship with my wife broke down as a result of not only this but I guess many years of pushing people away. I lost everything my house my wife and my daughter as I now have to work almost seven days a week juggling 2 jobs just to keep my head financially above water. I know that it's my fault but I just want the pain to stop I feel so low and ashamed of what I've become struggling to get by on a daily basis. I'm sorry for ranting on just could stop once I got started just don't know what to do next
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