Do I have depression?

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At the age of 10 I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, they would only usually occur when I sat down to have a meal, so I ended up developing an irrational fear of food. Every time I put food in my mouth I just couldn't swallow and would gag as a responce. My parents were panicing because I began to loose weight, this obviously worsend the anxiety for me. I did not understand what was happening to me, so I told my parents I was afraid of choking (this was a lie because I didnt know what else to say). Eventually the doctor prescribed me medication but to this day I don't know what it was, it calmed me down and made me forget what I was worrying about. When I was better, I was so happy and luckily havent had a panic attack since....but

Through out my life I have gone through periods of feeling low for no reason. This time it has lasted 1yr and 6 months. I feel sad every day, I have no energy (i feel like somebody has turned up the gravity) and am on the verge of tears most of the time. Most people see me as cheerful person because I'm able to hide how I really feel very well.

At the moment I have no interest in going out or socialising or listening to music or doing anything creative (im a photographer). I don't care if its light or dark or sunny or raining, it all seems the same to me. Don't get me wrong, I do recognise beauty in the world, I just seem unmoved by it. Some times all I want to do is sleep all day, other times I can't sleep at all. Goals and ambitions that I once had have faded away and I struggle to remember what they were. A year and a half ago life couldn't have been more opposite (out partying every night, full of optimism and energy).

I don't consider myself suicidal but I do have a morbid curiosity where some times if I see a lorry or train I imagine throwing myself in front of it. It's only for a split second then the image is forgotten about. Is this the same for everyone?

Is this depression what Im experiencing or is it just a natural reaction to life being a bit sh*t sometimes? For the first time in my life I went to the doctor about how I feel. I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg and have been taking them for 6 months, Ive noticed no change. So, if I really had depression; a physical/chemical disfunction in my brain the medication should work, right? So maybe there's nothing wrong with my serotonin levels and I just have to accept that my personality has lazy and miserable tendencies.

Has anyone had similar doubts about themselves? Im not sure if I have all the right symtoms.


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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Zed, i dont know what to write. Your posting sounds so familiar, in my humble opinion (not that it is very humble), you sound like you have somesort of depression...but I am no professional. You sound a bit like myself, but like I say i am no expert, So please do not worry and take what I have with a pinch of salt. (Though your doctors probabaly would not have presribed you 20mgs ot this drug , did they not think so too).

    Zed/marie, you soound like you suffer from anxiety also, and it sound s to me like you take it to the dinner table, as well as every where you go. (Snap!). When anxiety gets that bad, sometimes we do loose energy to keep on going and I think it takes us over the edge and into these episodes. Sometimes though if you use it (your anxiety to make you drive to do something positve) ie, like perhaps revamp your photographic folio - life is top notch !!!

    hey god, described myself well here, I dont know If , i have helped you, but think :oops: youve just helped me..

    Whatever it is that is wrong, please try this med, if it doesnt work, seek help elsewhere( gee, how helfpul). Chin up marie......take care, katy

  • Posted

    Thanx Tiny Tears for the advice, its nice to talk to someone and not feel so alone.

    Zed xx

  • Posted

    Hi Zed,

    Sorry do u take ypur name from pulp fiction \"zeds dead man, zeds dead?\"

    Zed, I had the lot, wife , kids , lovely house, car etc job even, but I couldnt escape from these lows , u r not alone, I cnat give advice really, but you do sound like u react to life and analyze life like like someone who has depression, I have been on 20 mg for nearly 8months, honestly i dont feel that different, when things go good im up, when bad Im as down as usual, its just the way im made, same as u..............

    I take my solice im my music, I adore it..........sleeping and then cant sleep thats me.....when severly down all i want to do is sleep, then when im high i cant sleep ??? i like a drink and that doesnt help not one bit, Zed, on here tell the lot, we have no hiding place, last night my beloved United won the European Cup, i was hyper yet now Im flat as can be,? all i can say is share your feelings, we all go through em......

  • Posted

    Hi Ja, how are you? Are you coping better? Are you having a good time yet?

    ja, I ve had another bad day, but I notice, that my weekends supply me with more time to subject myself to abuse, and then slowly sink right back to where I started. ja, no one is speaking to me now. I feel so alone. today was a good eating day for me, butother than that, I am no good. I feel totally inadequate, I feel sooo alone, sometimes I want my mum to come and just give me a cuddle, but then when I see her and hear her, i get soo uptight, and think I want to be left alone..I dont like her cuddling me, its like she measures the fat around my body when she cuddles me, it snot like she has feeelings that make me think she genuinelly love me. I think my mum still has a thing about me making her life incredibly difficult and a s,all chip on her shoulder because I was dadys girl as a child.

    I understand where she is coming from, but soo alone. What really annoy sme is that when my grandad was dying, I was expected (and gladly did soo as I loved him) to be right by his side day in and day out until he died), but when I needed her , or my friends, when I was being stalked, than when I was attacked (shame on me) No one was there, not a sole. I still do the same I still support my sister who seems to be anorexic and sooo sensitive, but I cant go on like this anymore, apparently I have too muh me time, but maybe I god damn well need it! I dont know, still sooo very lost and confused.

    Ive just joined the depression aliance Scotland thingy, as advised, but hmm, looking at it, on first impressions it appears to be a bit like moodgym, which was utterly useless. Still, Ill give it a bash.

    Hope you are good.

    Zed, how are you? Are you managing to eat, even if its just a slice of toast an apple a day, it will get you through until you feel ready to eat. Depression is horrible like that , I get this choking thing at the back of my throat, as if I am going to throw up. Then I stop eating. I dont like to be sick , thats ( oh not teeling you) as I dont wnat you to do the same.

    Sorry, lost the plot , feeling really alone, the more alone I feel , the more I actually want to isolate myself.

    Take care people, one day, I hope, the sun will shine. ( the best year of my life was 28) Then hit 29 and went straight downhill. best wishes to you all, Katy

  • Posted

    I cant deny what Ive become. When I have tried to find the words, to describe my sense of loss, I dont know who iam meant to be, no matter how much I try to resist these thoughts

    The taste of life I cant describe is choking up my mind. Reaching out I cant believe that faith cant decide. On and on I carry on, but I dont need a mile. On and on I tell myself, its this Icant diguise.

    Why cant you see my mountain? (maybe thats why I miss my Grandad soo, he was a mountain climber/rescuer).

    Im just grinding down the view, breaking out which way to choose. A choice that I cant renew.

  • Posted

    :boing: :yikes: All over the place!!!! Bad mood, temper tant :oops: :oops: :oops: rums, grrr! Sooo hyper earlier, and now in a exceptional bad mood. :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
  • Posted

    Hi zed

    Im quite new to this forum but have suffered from depression on and off for prob 30 of my 50 years, i first experienced a panic attack about 28 years ago with a few bouts from then to now. Two major nervous breakdowns, the last im trying to get over now and a few minor episodes through my life which i just coped with. Besides the meds im on now (Mirtazapine 15 mg) and something i was on when i wasnt so well 13 ish years ago ( Mellerill,not nice for me ) i havent had much experience of drugs for depression or much else really, but i feel the meds im on now have helped me a bit and for the unwillingnes of the first doc i saw last year to give me any meds at all i feel i would have been better prob six or poss eight months ago.If you feel your meds arent working after six months, i would tell your doc and get them changed.

    Since looking up the experiences of people on this site and reading up on variouse mental problems, plus looking at how ive been for most of my life, i feel im bipolar (manic depressive)im sure there are people who will read this and wonder why i think that, but it would take way too long to explain here. I see one of the problems generally is doctors can take sooooo long to work out whats wrong with some people it can make you worse before getting better. I can see from what you say that i too used to go out enjoying myself (prob too much )sometimes, but also had periods when everything just seemed to drudge along for months and even years and i had no enthusiasum for anything, simillar to how you seem now. At other times i would have great plans for this and that and some direction in life and sometimes way too much energy and BIG ideas,then no seen reason it all seems to grind to a halt and im left feeling very low with no interest in anything. Not being a doctor and not wanting to influece anyone in any way, i would look at how youve been over the years eg have you had milder feelings of what youve got now and or slight panicky feelings or times when youve felt really high for no apparent reason than life feels good. With this information it might help you and your doctor get a clearer view of yourself and what might trigger you to be on a depressed levell. Your comments of \"a year and a half ago life couldnt have been more opposite (out partying every night, full of optimism and energy) and through out my life i have gone through periods of feeling low for no reason made me think how i was and have been quite a few times over my life. This is how bi polar disorder affects people(your brain cant control the levells of seretonin, sometimes too much and vice versa) im in the prosses of trying to get my NEW doc to look at the pages and pages of stuff ive written explaining how ive been and maybe (or maybe not ) see if im bipolar. Im sure there are people on this forum who will know SO much more than i do about this and im not saying im seriosly bi polar but as with every illnes it varies with everyone. One thing i did read on my meds is that anyone who is bipolar shouldnt be taking them,i presume this is because the way certain drugs work for depression they could bring on a high or low episode,i must admit i have been feeling a bit high the last few days (16 days into meds now )but then thats what theyre meant to do, i did mention to my doc i thought i might be bi polar but he didnt seem to acknowledge me and or poss hasnt read the leaflet in the box,well no doc can remember everything eh. I hope ive been some help and will post again when or if i get diagnosed one way or the other. I hope you start feeling better soon and your doc sorts out your meds cause to me six months and no change is way too long.

    All the best from L J.


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