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At the age of 10 I started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, they would only usually occur when I sat down to have a meal, so I ended up developing an irrational fear of food. Every time I put food in my mouth I just couldn't swallow and would gag as a responce. My parents were panicing because I began to loose weight, this obviously worsend the anxiety for me. I did not understand what was happening to me, so I told my parents I was afraid of choking (this was a lie because I didnt know what else to say). Eventually the doctor prescribed me medication but to this day I don't know what it was, it calmed me down and made me forget what I was worrying about. When I was better, I was so happy and luckily havent had a panic attack since....but
Through out my life I have gone through periods of feeling low for no reason. This time it has lasted 1yr and 6 months. I feel sad every day, I have no energy (i feel like somebody has turned up the gravity) and am on the verge of tears most of the time. Most people see me as cheerful person because I'm able to hide how I really feel very well.
At the moment I have no interest in going out or socialising or listening to music or doing anything creative (im a photographer). I don't care if its light or dark or sunny or raining, it all seems the same to me. Don't get me wrong, I do recognise beauty in the world, I just seem unmoved by it. Some times all I want to do is sleep all day, other times I can't sleep at all. Goals and ambitions that I once had have faded away and I struggle to remember what they were. A year and a half ago life couldn't have been more opposite (out partying every night, full of optimism and energy).
I don't consider myself suicidal but I do have a morbid curiosity where some times if I see a lorry or train I imagine throwing myself in front of it. It's only for a split second then the image is forgotten about. Is this the same for everyone?
Is this depression what Im experiencing or is it just a natural reaction to life being a bit sh*t sometimes? For the first time in my life I went to the doctor about how I feel. I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg and have been taking them for 6 months, Ive noticed no change. So, if I really had depression; a physical/chemical disfunction in my brain the medication should work, right? So maybe there's nothing wrong with my serotonin levels and I just have to accept that my personality has lazy and miserable tendencies.
Has anyone had similar doubts about themselves? Im not sure if I have all the right symtoms.
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