Does my wife have depression

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My wife has been struggling for about 18 months. about a year ago she became more and more remote, cut off and then told me she didnt feel the same about me, felt no love for me (hurt like hell- still does!!) 

she said she was not happy with her life but did not know why (she admits she has everything she ever wanted) she had low self esteem and seemed image conscious and said she didnt like herself very much

My wife has not be intimate for a while and she started analysing our marriage... sure we had some holes but have been happy for the majority  of our 22 years. Whilst I feel guilty for not spotting this sooner, I  have been a good husband, father to our two children (13/11) and been holding us together for what seems a lifetime... Initimacy went about 18 months ago both physical and emotional, which is thethe worse.... not having your sole mate has been the hardest... however the emotional side seems to have come back slowly in the past few months since she has had councilling (or maybe wishful thinking)

My wife has been seeing a councellor for about 6 months now and its helped her feel better about herself but she says she has no real change in her 'love' for me and she beats herself up about it every day. She does love our kids but her personality towards them has changed over the last year... also more remote and does not seem as interested in the little people

Must confess I have put it down to the menopause but when I read about depression it was like a bolt

Of course I have probably said all the wrong things how much she means to me/us, how much I love her but have always been there for her, and my love has never waivered.

Trouble is she said the other day she has to make a decision soon, and I know feels she would be better off on her own.. Shes even been looking at houses. i told her for the wrong reasons, selfless rather then selfish... she can see how much she is hurting me, and our family

Now I have more knowledge it has helped me deal with it, but not so sure it will help my wife.

Today for the first time I asked whether she felt she had depression, she wouldnt even talk about it... should someone with depression be told how they are?

A few years ago she went to see her gp and he told her she was depressed and gave her pills... she was a brave woman and did not take the pills but it must have had an effect on her deep and point blank refuses to go and see her gp

I told her I am here for her and we will work this out together... 

This may have started when her mum died 3/4 years ago and she blames herself for being away but I think she has suffered with depression all her adult life. she has alot in the closet to deal with and I know her family have a history of despression

Should I tell her I think she has depression?

Personally I have been to hell and back but refuse to let it break up our family, and through this I have discovered depths of love I did not know I had!

Perhaps I love her too much and need to let her go? but is it my wife speaking or is it my wife overcome with depression... surely her councillor will help her, maybe she doesnt have it

Anyone with depression and a family able to give me any help??

 

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  • Posted

    Hello there.

    What you are both going through is one of the most testing experiences that can challenge the wellbeing of any marriage.

    On the face of it, it does sound very much as if your wife might be suffering from some form of mental health issue, but how can anyone be sure of that unless she has an epiphany, and talks to you about it?

    On the other hand, the reality might be that she needs 'time out' on her own so that she can have the opportunity to think straight.

    It might prove fruitless and drive a deeper wedge into the relationship if you were to infer that you thought she was in the middle of a 'depression', when in fact all she wanted was her freedom.

    I think if I was the man involved I would be tempted to firstly privately speak to her doctor (and then your own) about the current martital crisis, what you think the reason for it is and what effect it is having on you, and then maybe suggest to your wife a family mediation service such as Relate, where all the issues can be talked-out honestly and openly.

    What I would not be doing is inferring or accusing your wife directly that she might have a mental health issue that is maybe interferring with the marriage, because you could always be wrong.

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  • Posted

    First you have to find out root cause why she feels like that, you have to take care 10 times more then previously.

    Take her on hill station and spent some times, This may be change your wife's. And she will feel better.

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  • Posted

    Hi you sound like a loving caring man and it must be awful for you in this situation. 

    If your wife doesn't have depression why is she seeing a counsellor?   Is it for bereavement?   I think this might well help her decide what she wants which hopefully is to keep your marriage together.

    I find the use of the word 'brave' not to take her pills strange.   It is much braver to accept treatment if it is needed.   After all if she had a physical illness would it make sense to refuse treatment?   There is no difference.

    I hope you and your wife can work through this.  Bev x

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