does this make any sense?

Posted , 5 users are following.

Haven't been on here for a while trying to keep my nose clean and behave!! I now have decided I'm not depressed as I function to an extent even though quite often I self harm feel suicidal etc etc,binge eat, drink, mix with drugs take risks, been working hard almost to the extent of being punished during exercise classes really pushing myself almost to the extent of being sick or very dizzy,  been making plans again too haven't told anyone until now. Not sure if I will kill myself but going to go away for a week not tell anyone where use my maiden name if book in anywhere use cash, or sleep in my car, see if anyone actually misses me. If not why return? Been getting very vivid visions when driving fast like over 90 especially last night (the road was empty so no other vehicles could of been involved) i do have concern of other road users I suppose sort of) of the car rolling over and over and over. i can even see it now writing this but it would have to done right don't want to be disabled anyway I digress.Today at work while in the stationery cupboard acted out slitting my throat only with my finger but the action to do it. Not that I have the guts to do it. Been getting vivid dreams nightmares mixed up with past events and current events but peopel I don;t know.

Is this being manic? mad? stupid? I don't want to talk to people ie GP, CPN I don't know this all seems so unreal. Been out tonight everything was unreal too.

Only meds before anyone asks diazepam as and when maximum 5mg or maybe some days 7.5mg a day. Not every day either. 

This all looks silly written down has anyone else felt or experienced this? - button pressed now.

Cheers all xx

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Tina

    Your story rings true to me in a scary kinda fashion, I think you need to remember that depression is not a dibillitating condition some ppl "function to an extent" just fine it's a little more deep seated than that

    The feeling of running away to see if anyone misses you suggests your own view of your value to ppl may not be as it should be and your generally unhappy possibly in most aspects of your life, again I think the self harming is more for a realease of tension maybe even to see if ppl notice ( you know it's not admiral to want to feel appreciated and or wanted)

    Sometimes we feel we are overlooked or what's it matter no-one cares etc ppl in general tend to get so caught up in there own lives they forget to show you exactly how much you mean to them lifestyle and other factors make you feel like they just don't have the time for you

    Of course it's not true ppl do have the time for you you are choosing to suffer in silence in the hope that someone may notice but as their lives are also moving so fast and you are viewed as a friend or family they may think that if you where struggling you ask for help and maybe you just want time alone.

    You come across as someone that really wants to hurt themselves to maybe get a measure of who would be bothered if you did babe you are depressed I killed myself once I wore about my experance on here hopefully someone will take what I put and reconsider my method was hanging and I was successful I knew when I stepped off that chair there was no return it was easy let me be honest with you

    The thing that worries me is your chosen methods a car crash? To me it seems more again like a way of having a serious accident again a way of seeing who would turn up more morbidly the cutting of your own throat wow that's scary even for me and I don't fear that easierly the sheer strength you'd have to have and the point of no return you must feel to even think about something like that is very worring indeed

    You think at the moment you don't matter right? How can that be true you matter enough for me someone who has nothing to gain from you to write this out you matter enough I'm sure to your friends if you just give them that chance to reach you talk to them yes no-one like Drs pompous buggers right what do they know I get that I feel the same way the first step of anyone helping you is you have to help yourself speak to your friends family allow them to know your not ok your struggling it's normal no one wants you to get hurt I guarantee it if you can't talk to ppl write it down hunni there are other ways to get ppls attention that hurting yourself

    I'd really like you to visit a gp but I also understand small steps first you took a huge step writing on here you've been open and honest that takes some guts to do believe me I know so don't doubt your self anymore your amazing you can reach out for help there's no shame in it at all there's a whole host of people that want to help you your friends, users of this site, doctors,therapists look for done such a good job of doing it all on your own up to now maybe it's time you allowed yourself to take a breather and let someone else aid your recovery take some of the weight off hey?

    Thinking of you

    Stay in touch

    Love ya Mike X

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your replies typical just logged of my pc so using my kindle so sorry if typing errors. Your right I do feel a burden to people I don't want to talk or can't to friends and or family as it will frighten them. It frighten me at times but these thoughts and feelings of hatred towards myself can't seem to get rid of. Have got an appointment with psychiatrist on 26th April, follow up I assume after telling her things I had never told anybody before. I blame myself for everything. Sorry not good with words especially as I can't see what I'm typing on this tiny t thing or your reply. Maybe I am fantasizing these things but very often want them to happen I don't seem to care much about myself. As I never felt cared for as a child got married young as someone cared about me but now all I can see are all the bad things and I don't think I ever did anything really for me. Now I am alone I'm lost in this big world don't know where to turn and everything is my f... fault from being born until I die. Not quite sure what I'm writing anymore better go to bed before I do anything stupid. I just seem to go into trances, detached lately oh I don't know anything anymore. X

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  • Posted

    I can understand the impulsive desire to hurt yourself. I'll often find myself with a knife faced towards me without even realising it, and expressing my gruesome desires of self mutilation to in my drawings. I don't tend to let myself do it, I'm aware that even if everyone hates me it'll upset them. 

    I don't think you're mad or stupid. I think you're just tired and enjoy fantasising rest. But I don't think you should let this carry on. Even if you don't think it's due to deppression you obviously need support.I understand you're not interested in getting any, perhaps scared of being a burden or labelled an attention seeker, but this is obviously a cry for help.

    Maybe talking to your GP or a friend is your best option. If you want to talk to me about it, I'll be overjoyed to help.

    In the end, you are not in a healthy state of mind, and the only thing that can change that is a change itself. 

    I hope you will feel better soon x

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina I also care about you as well which is why I am spending time and energy reading and replying to your post.

    You sound very young?  I used to have a lot of those type of fantasies in my younger days until I realised that the grown up way of getting attention and help is to ask for it.   It would be no good to me when I was dead would it?  I did used to have visions of haunting people afterwards though..

    There is a fine but distinct line between wanting attention and for others to prove they care,  and actually wanting to die.  I decided I wasn't going to give those who didn't care the satisfaction of my death.  

    I have realised that it doesn't matter if no one cares about you as long as you do about yourself.  I think your energy would be better used to improve your life rather than have fantasies like this.  If you can learn to care about yourself more you will be a lot happier.  The only way I know how to do this is to do things you like doing,  keep busy and then you become more interested in your own life.

    I also agree with Mike about depression.  The common misconception of a depressive is someone who stays in bed all day and is constantly depressed.  Ok there are sufferers on here like that,  but there are loads more who can still function to a degree which doesn't mean they don't suffer from depression. 

    We are all on your side here so intead of carrying out your wild fantasies talk to us instead.  Take care my lovely and lots of hugs  Bev xx


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    • Posted

      Hi I'm not young I'm in my late 50's I should know better I know but I just don't know what I want, enjoy doing as I always did things what other people wanted to do cause that was what I always thought that was what you did to feel wanted. Now I'm alone, lost no direction stuck in a mess and struggling to get out of this deep hole or as I have described it before I'm climbing up a large hill get so far fall down again, get up try again get to an overhang can't find my way round it clinging on by my fingers tips then slip off and start all over again and again. I just need to escape.

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    • Posted

      Thank you everyone for all being so kind and constructive I thought I wasn't doing too bad beginning of the week then the shutters seem to come down. Better get some sleep or ill be late for work. Xx

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    • Posted

      Tina Hun you not a burden I get what you mean about you friends and family you've put such a brave face on for so long how can you now look at them and see the pain in there eyes as they discover how you've really been feeling.

      The thing about that though and what's hardest is admitting you've been living a lie I totally understand you don't want to hurt them but may I ask you what's going to be the alternative? Let them discover you didn't think they would want to know what if they spot that self harming etc how will they feel about themselves knowing you didn't think you could approach them and say help me, how bad do you think that would make them feel I bet it'd would be a whole lot worst for them to discover that than see you ask them for help ya know just think about it

      Depression affects different ppl in different ways you know it's called a mental illness because it's all in your head your brain for what ever reason what's you to suffer so it's nasty to itself ya know that's why it's hard to sleep at night it's because it's harder at night to get hold of ppl that care no one wants to be a burden on anyone our main and biggest mistake is thinking that we would be viewed as a burden by the ones that we love and love us

      We forget to think of things in a rational manner but I'm going to help you do that right now think about this

      Would you see your bestfriend,family member, husband,child or anyone you cared about as a burden if they you suffering as you are and came to you to speak about it? NO! Then why may I ask do you think they would see you as one cmon Hun you know better than that you do matter to everyone you are amazing you are worth ppls time and ppl do love you they will help you through this grey patch you've just Gotta give them the chance to prove it to you talk to them as you would want them to talk to you

      You be sure to stay in contact let us know how your getting on we are always here we have your back because we care so never think no-body does ppl you don't know have come together to support you and you've allowed that to happen all you got to do now is let the ppl you know come and support you to like you'd support them X

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    • Posted

      I do do my best to be supportive to my small family in a way and the few friends I have. All this opening up talking about feelings and thoughts I find so hard as never really did it for majority of my life. Now everything is going over the top or am I being thoughtless and selfish only thinking about me for a change. I am so useless at trying to explain things. I admire you all your answers are so eloquently put and so true. WHY can't I talk to the people in my life? Been made to feel inadequate stupid put down not listened to so many times I find it really hard. Now I've got to put on the face for work. I hope you all have a lovely day.XXX .

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