Doesn't deserve me

Posted , 7 users are following.

My wife has depression and has been trying to push me away for months now! When she is in a good place we are fantastic together, talk, do things together, the usual couple things but when she has her bad months she sits alone in our bedroom not really doing anything the house work gets left, she doesn't want to watch anything on the tv that we watch together food goes out the window and shes just another person. She feels numb in these months and says she just pushes these feelings aside in the good months and gets on with it but she thinks we are good together, we fit and are comfortable in each others company, it's easy and right!

Anyway last week it finally came out that she thinks she doesn't deserve me and she can't see that no matter what I will always be there for her.

How can i make sure she knows this and that no matter how she feels that she does deserve me and so much more!

She hates hurting me and doesn't want to anymore but the biggest way she is hurting me is by wanting to leave and shutting me out!

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    I fel like this all the time. My wife doesn't deserve to be put through all this crap time after time and i don't deserve her to have her there for me all the time no matter what I put her through!

    She says she knows my thoughts feelings and even my actions are not because of the man I am but because of this horriable thing we all have but why would anyone stay and live with that every day if they don't have too?

    For me I left the family home because i didn't feel anything anymore for her or anything really just numbness so i thought that meant there had to be something that wasn't right in our relationship, something that wasn't working so i left!

    With the help of talking to a professional i see now those feelings are all too familar with depression and ok even if there was something wrong in our relationship not feeling anything doesn't mean i don't love her it just means that this illness is messing with my head and we have to work together to fix whatever it is that may or may not have been right in our relationship!

    Yes relationships don't all last but I'm willing to try to see if we can work on and improve what we had and see if thise feelings are still there becayse when I'm with her everything feels right, even if I don't want a relationship she makes me .....I don't know the word...comfortable? Who knows!!

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  • Posted

    To think that I don't deserve anyone or I am not good for anything is very easy for a person going through a depression (or mood swing as i would like to call it). It drains out all the positive energy out of you.

    She is very lucky to have you. The thing about these mood swings is that you only get better if you help yourself. Family or friend can only help to a certain extent. 

    You can help her find a new hobby. One thing that helped me was a lot of physical activities because they helped me get a better physique and made me feel better. It also got me tired enough at night to get in a good 5-7 hours of sleep. I go through these mood swings a lot myself and i don't have any immediate family or close friends here in Canada so I have to self motivate and accept this is who i am.

    One thing you can do is that whenever she is having a good time, make some family fun videos or have her write something good down about herself when she is happy. These things can cheer you up when the depression phase starts. It only takes a small instance to trigger these mood swings.

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  • Posted

    Bill, is your wife seeing a therapist or on any meds? It sounds like she needs some support from professionals if she isn't already, this may enable her to process things better and begin to feel more connected. 

    When you are depressed you often feel as though you can't engage with other people, it's hard and it's so lonely no matter how many people are or aren't there. She will genuinely believe that you would be better off because the negative voices in her head will tell her that constantly. Depression is an illness that attacks every aspect of your life, it's not her saying it, it's the depression. 

    Take her to see the GP, let her know you'll be there every step of the way. 

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    • Posted

      Hay Fee she isn't at the moment i can't convince her to, she has started to talk to a doctor at the local practice who "listens" but isnt an actual therapist or anything but she has only been once so far which was actually on Tuesday just gone so we shall see if it helps or does more damage lol

      As much as she doesnt want me there I have told her no matter what she puts me through I will still be here because I love her and that isn't going to change any time soon which is anther reason she doesnt believe she deserves me I guess??

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  • Posted

    Perhaps some therapy might be good for her.  You did not mention if she is under doctor's care for depression or bipolar disorder.  It's difficult living with anyone who has been diagnosed with any form of mental illness.  All you can do is be there for her and make sure she is under some sort of treatment plan and get some therapy yourself. 
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    • Posted

      She has been on tablets for depression but wants to come off them. i have been wondering if there is a little bi polar going on too but as yet haven;t mentioned it to her to be honest....I'm scared of her reaction/fallout!!!
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  • Posted

    Hi Bill, I can empathise with your story as I suffer with chronic depression and understand how your wife behaves as I would rather be alone when I am unwell, however I am learning that this really doesnt help me recover and now listen to my husband when he suggests we get outside for maybe just 30 mins of fresh air. This walk also helps us communicate a little too which is good.

    Theres no easy way in this horrible illness but I can see your wife just wants to hear confirmation of your love for her until her confidence returns.

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    • Posted

      I try to make plans for us to get out of the house and do things but the most i get is to the local shop the rest she pulls out of at the last min even if it's just a walk round the lake which is just a 5 min walk away!

      I tried to do weekly utings like going to the gym, a drink at the local, lunch somewhere but again if she's not "in the mood" we don't go and she ends up in our room alone!

      We started date nights once a month where each other we did new things and went to new places but we ended up going once as the next month she was having her bad month and we never went again ....just talked about it

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