Education and depression.
Posted , 6 users are following.
I'm not really sure what the purpose of my posting this is, maybe it just gives me an outlet to rant, maybe you guys could give me some advice ???
well, I've had depression since I was about 11 (ive probably had anxiety since i was little)
I've been harshly bullied since i was very young, I have always been that shy, chubby, glasses wearing kid that everyone hates.
for this reason I've found school incredibly hard.
I've really only had one friend at a time (im still very close with my friend from secondary)
and for this reason, I don't really know how to socialize very well, this makes me feel very isolated and alone.
I've missed alot of school time and college time because i just cannot find my strength to go to college, i feel as if i were to go everyone would hate me and that everyone wishes i wasnt there, alot of the times i just wish i could crumble to the floor.
I was bullied daily in secondary (basically highschool) Id get tripped up, have things thrown at me, called names to my face, behind my back, i had my things stolen, i had cutlery shoved in my bag sticking out of my bag, ive been called a whale, monster, pig, c** t, idiot, the list goes on.
i think even my teachers hated me there because i was such an outcast.
ive blocked out alot of my memories from that time and even just reliving some of these things, im crying.
one memory that stands out is when we were playing basketball (mini teams) and this one girl who hated me threw a basketball at my face and it practically knocked me to the floor and threw my glasses half way across the court, she broke my glasses and my face stung for the whole day.
the court laughed and only my 3 friends and the teachers didnt think it was funny.
I didnt show up to school for two weeks after that.
ive never had any chance to talk about my secondary experience and i think thats alot of my problems.
ive caused alot of problems for my dad and mum because my school would harass them about my attendance, for this i still feel bad and its been 4 years since i was there.
it got to the point where near the end of highschool i tried to end my life and cut my wrists.
im on tablets for my anxiety and depression and at nineteen im still traumatized by my past, i wish i could face college and get a full attendance, i love my course, i love being an animal care student so why can i not find it in myself to face my demons and go ?
if you got this far, thank you for reading, feel free to share your thoughts or even your experiences, sometimes reading others experiences makes you feel not as alone.
-katebug.
1 like, 11 replies
katebug
Posted
another point, i think the education system is very unfair to us who suffer from mental illnesses and they just dont seem to understand our daily struggles.
judyblue katebug
Posted
Hey katebug
You are stronger than you think, you can do anything with your life, anxiety and depression can hold you back but you are so clever and have huge potential to fulfill your dreams. Anything that happened in the past must be left in the past, holding on and remembering is just keeping you from a life doing what you love, start each new day with a positive attitude and tell yourself over and over that your life is more important than your past, no one can hurt you. Start to write things down, say how you will learn one new thing every day, find out if you can do your course online, you will come through this but don't live in the past. I wish you all the best.
J.
katebug judyblue
Posted
thank you for your positive words !
I've tried to let go of my past, however, I think what I ended up doing is just blocking out those memories instead of coming to terms with what happend and moving forward.
I actually took your advice and I woke up with a positive attitude, I went to college and i had a wonderful day.
A few blips throughout the day but i took them in my stride.
I've always loved writing, although I'm not great at it ! but I think ill start writing my thoughts and feelings down.
I actually love my tutors (they're very supportive and always talk to me about my depression) and the learning aspect of college, so i think doing an online course may do more harm to me in the long run.
thank you for all your wonderful words ! x
-Katebug
judyblue katebug
Posted
Well done Katebug, a massive positive start, I cant promise it will be easy as you move forward in your life but you CAN do it. Sometimes a little chat on here can give you so much support and help you to realize how strong you really are.
Good luck for the future Katebug.
J.
sam18386 katebug
Posted
Hi katebug, i think you're strong to even say what happened to you, but one thing sticks out in your story. The word trauma means more than anxiety and depression to me it sounds like you have PTSD. I am not a doctor but i think you need a different level of support. A PTSD counsellor may help you more. Ask your doctor or a different one at your surgery. You need the correct support, these people have really saddened and hurt you. I hope you get the help you need. Bless you. And well done for speaking out.
katebug sam18386
Posted
Thank you for the reply !
I always thought that PTSD was something war vets and sexual abuse victims or abuse victims in general had, I never thought someone who was bullied could also have PTSD.
Thanks to you, I sought out help today and I asked my safeguarding support to put me through to proper counseling, they have a wonderful network of outside support at our college and I'm really hopeful that counseling will help me.
I was reluctant to go to counseling as I went to CHAMS in my younger years and they were not helpful one bit.
Once again, thank you for the encouragement that i needed.
-Katebug
hypercat katebug
Posted
Hi I am so sorry you were so bullied at school and I am surprised they didn't seem to take it very seriously and stop it.
I was also the chubby glasses wearing kid no one bothered about but I also had severe acne as well (I would question your use of the word 'hate' as it takes a lot of effort to hate anyone and why would they bother. They just saw you as an easy target that's all).
Anyway despite all my issues with school and my fellow classmates I turned out ok and so will you. You need to seek some counselling and start building up your self esteem a bit.
I hated my home life and left at the age of 18 to move many miles away to London on my own so had no choice but just had to get on with making the best of things. I had a terrible time for a few years as had very low self worth and had never learned to make friends. I taught myself, got my acne treated, and in 2005 paid for laser treatment and now I don't need glasses (used to wear them full time). There is hope.
Oh one last thing as I was completely responsible for myself I had to work and support myself. If I had had parents who let me stay at home or who understood I would probably never have achieved all I have done. So this was a blessing in disguise.
You will get there too one day you know and at least you don't have acne like I did so you have a head start on me. x
katebug hypercat
Posted
thank you for sharing your experience.
I have big dreams for my future and its very upsetting that my health holds me back so much.
how did you get over your low self esteem ???
-Katebug
hypercat katebug
Posted
By having to get out there and find a way to live a life which was bearable This involved taking stock of my life and deciding what I needed, and also counselling to point me in the right direction.
One of the things I wanted was friends so I watched and learned how others interacted and eventually started to make some. In doing so I discovered a lifelong passion which I still do today many years later. I have also never been friendless since even if it's mainly casual ones ie ones I can share my interests with.
The more you do the more you can do and this helps to build up your self esteem in itself. Mine is still low and I won't lie and say it's not affected my life adversely coz it has. For example with this and life long depression I was never able to forge a career for myself although I am bright enough. I also have to keep my life quite simple as too much going on overloads me and leads to emotional distress.
I am sure you will find your own way in life coz we always do. It might not be exactly what you want or expect but the most important thing is to follow your interests and be yourself. You can still do this even if life doesn't go as planned. x
emmac23 katebug
Posted
I suffered constant bullying since school, I'm now 22 but it only stopped a year ago for me.
I just want to tell you that believe me, they will look back on how AWFULLY they treated you and have that regret in their black hearts for a long long time. Whilst you are happily getting on with your life, getting somewhere they will be suffering. And if the don't, karma is a beautiful, wonderful power and I have seen its glorious work.
Just remember that on here you are not alone, so many others will share your experiences.
You have all of us to turn to 😃
Take care ❤️
Emma - UK
wayne1962 katebug
Posted
Hi katebug - so sorry to read through what you have suffered at the hands of the ignorant. I would suggest counselling where you can talk these things through and learn ways to cope with the memories - a safe place to spill it all with a qualified person to guide the process. Also, reading through the posts i see that you like writing and thought about writing it all down. Brilliant idea - describing what has happened, how you felt etc. It is carthartic to do such things and what a publication it would make! Believe me, there is always a market for books like that, a place to turn for fellow sufferers. Don't give up your dream caring for animals - they never judge and have saved many lives.