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Escape routes.

Posted , 7 users are following.

StaticZero
StaticZero

i dont really know where to begin. im not even sure theres anything wrong with me but i know something isnt right. ill try and keep this as shot as possible but please bare with me. it isnt going to mke much sense, it doesn't make any sense to me, yet. 

for as long as i can remeber, i never fit in. i didnt really want to, i was always on the side lines, looking at life like a child watching a giant fish tank. seeing everything but never really being interested enough to take part, then moving on to another tank with different fish. interesting momentaraly, but soon becoming boring. so boring that i just want to end the tank and all the fish, so i move on again before that happens. 

the people who i know should be close to me, i just dont care about as much as i should, mother, father, sister.. all just so uninteresting.. i feel bad that i feel this way, but i cant help it. i feel bad for feeling bad, and the cycle goes on. for a while i thought i was a genuine psycopath with no emotions, but i do feel love, happiness and compassion. along with all the other ones, anger, hate and pain. 

i hate to be in crowds, i hate working with people, i like to be alone. or if i do socialise its with one maybe two people. any more than that it just gets too much and i either shut myself out, or demand all the attention. it can make for some vey awkward moments. 

i do have a fair few friends, they all seem to trust me with great personal secrets, and i like hearing about them and they're emotional peoblems and giving advice witch usually helps them in the long run. but i do not trust them, thy're too concered with themselves. if i ever try to open up, they dont seem interested. 

the point is, i think i finally know what i need to do. i need to do something to radicly change who i am and how i perceive my life. i have considered suidise, just to get away from it all and hope theres something better. or just sell everything i own, quit my job and dissapear, leave a note so everyone knows im not dead, and try to find myself or something. meaning? reason? any opinions would be welcome.

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • laura52683
    laura52683 StaticZero

    Posted

    Hi

    I know exactly how you feel, but in your case least you have friends, might just have their own lives now and I rarely see or speak to them. But running away, yeah at the time it sounds great I thought the same just living in my car and driving. But because I felt so down my partner brought me a puppy. My god he has helped, little Joey I've said if it weren't for him I wouldn't be here but his my world now and would hate to leave him. 

    I'm on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor but I still feel shut off and disconnecting from everyone. 

    I just want it to end now but what can you do, I'm just going along with things. 

    • StaticZero
      StaticZero laura52683

      Posted

      hey!

      i would love a pet, something to care for. when i lived with my parents we always had cats. but after a few months, i'd loose interest and i'd just ignore them. now i live with a friend who is allergic to all types of furr, even small rednets like rats/mice witch i find adorable. but these emotions i get, need for escape, it comes and goes, and has for as long as i can remember and i've just had enough. my job is unforfilling and everything wrong with the world just makes me not want to be part of it at all. the idea of living in the woods with nothing but a pocket knife and a tent is preferable to staying here. 

      how long did you live in your car? what did it feel like, not knowing what was going to happen the nest day or where you'd sleep or when you'd eat again? anything your willing to share would be very helpful smile

    • laura52683
      laura52683 StaticZero

      Posted

      Yep I hate this day of age we live in now, no one cares anymore, no manners or the smallest things. I never lived in my car but thought about it, just driving to wherever it takes me. The open road, Just to escape that was until we got Joey. 

      It's a distraction even taking him for walks clears your mind. I try to keep busy when I'm not that's when I overthink, get anxiety and have panic attacks. 

      Then running away isn't the answer cos the problems still remain. 

      Just got to fight it and see light end of the tunnel. 

  • hanky
    hanky StaticZero

    Posted

    Hi Static,

    i personally think a change would do you good, it will change the way you think etc,

  • boing333
    boing333 StaticZero

    Posted

    Hi StaticZero,

    I posted this in a different thread.

    I'm convinced that a lot of people who experience depression (or symptoms common with depression) suffer from a form of grief related to the loss of self – we're confronted by a lot of sociological and cultural shifts that we've been forced to conform to but aren't what we've naturally evolved to accept.

    Proof of that is in the fact that more people now than ever are diagnosed with depression; it's not about 'increased awareness' or the fact that 'depression didn't exist before; we just got on with it' – it's about the fact that we are simply reacting, naturally, to a cultural shift that is opposite to our being in a hunter gatherer sense/the need to build/to 'create'.

    In this day and age, in our culture, most people are either worker ants or not, consumers working for whatever reason until we reach the age of retirement, and then just die, and if you start becoming self-aware of this, it can be immensely depressing to look at yourself, years before your planned retirement and say, “who am I?” and not be able to provide an answer.

    Lifestyle changes, investing time in hobbies, doing things, being creative – that's what humans are good at. That's what we 'do'. When we lack that, we have nothing. When we sense we have nothing, we become depressed.

    Create something for yourself to prevent the depression. Look inwards at what sense of fulfilment you lack. DO something about it.

    • mark01943
      mark01943 boing333

      Posted

      Does the record ever stop?

      Are you a salesman by any chance....... possibly selling products that may or may not, be of some benifit fit to people on these forums. Just saying.

    • boing333
      boing333 mark01943

      Posted

      When I get private messages from people who say thank you, I assume it helps them. To assume one size fits all is the mistake that a lot of GP's make and unfortunetly it's the case that what I say may have been repeated, but then so are the various problems people come here with and thus some may find it helpful.

      But thank you. I can see it hasn't benefitted you in any way, shape or form, as is clear in your constructive objectivism to it smile

  • alexander_39124
    alexander_39124 StaticZero

    Posted

    You are really low with in your self, please don't down that path of giving in I have been there ! We are all different and have many mixed emotions and feelings for one another. Are you happy with your own sexuaually I know some people that have had all sorts of problems, but you do need professional help and advice. I was very low once after my divorce which I took hard, and a lady said to me that did I love my self of I said no I am a male ! So I looked into the mirror and then it happened for me and things started to change for the better.

    Also look into doing some research on the net, and give it some thought on meditation or attending some Reiki classes they are good in believe in your self.

    Good luck hope it will all work out for you.

    Alexander.

  • Allycats
    Allycats StaticZero

    Posted

    Maybe go travelling, that's a great way of experiencing the world. You just need to find something you're interested and stick at it. It's likely that you're suffering from depression and one of the key symptoms is the inability to enjoy once pleasurable activities-it's even got a posh name 'anhedonia' In hindsight travelling might not be such a good thing at this moment in time, depending on how long you've suffered with depression you may need a course of antidepressants, but it's best to go out jogging every day and do some jogging/join a gym. Exercise has been found just as effective as a course of antidepressants in patients who stuck to a regular exercise regime
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