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i dont really know where to begin. im not even sure theres anything wrong with me but i know something isnt right. ill try and keep this as shot as possible but please bare with me. it isnt going to mke much sense, it doesn't make any sense to me, yet.
for as long as i can remeber, i never fit in. i didnt really want to, i was always on the side lines, looking at life like a child watching a giant fish tank. seeing everything but never really being interested enough to take part, then moving on to another tank with different fish. interesting momentaraly, but soon becoming boring. so boring that i just want to end the tank and all the fish, so i move on again before that happens.
the people who i know should be close to me, i just dont care about as much as i should, mother, father, sister.. all just so uninteresting.. i feel bad that i feel this way, but i cant help it. i feel bad for feeling bad, and the cycle goes on. for a while i thought i was a genuine psycopath with no emotions, but i do feel love, happiness and compassion. along with all the other ones, anger, hate and pain.
i hate to be in crowds, i hate working with people, i like to be alone. or if i do socialise its with one maybe two people. any more than that it just gets too much and i either shut myself out, or demand all the attention. it can make for some vey awkward moments.
i do have a fair few friends, they all seem to trust me with great personal secrets, and i like hearing about them and they're emotional peoblems and giving advice witch usually helps them in the long run. but i do not trust them, thy're too concered with themselves. if i ever try to open up, they dont seem interested.
the point is, i think i finally know what i need to do. i need to do something to radicly change who i am and how i perceive my life. i have considered suidise, just to get away from it all and hope theres something better. or just sell everything i own, quit my job and dissapear, leave a note so everyone knows im not dead, and try to find myself or something. meaning? reason? any opinions would be welcome.
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