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Extreme obsessive thoughts, I'm in a constant panic

Posted , 4 users are following.

nnelso111
nnelso111

Hi, I'm a 20 year old male new to this site. Recently I've been having some extreme thoughts, some blasphemous thoughts, some not, and some harm ocd. Some days are better than others but some days I just can't seem to stop myself from these thoughts. Last night I didn't manage to go to bed until 4am due to a panic attack from the obsessive thoughts, and here I am up at 8am, I can't fall back asleep due to the thoughts. It's hard to describe my ocd. I guess to word it best, I'll just get sentences stuck in my head and I can't get them to stop. Like last night I thought "I give my soul to satan"

Than I immediately went back on it and said aloud "I give my soul to you God." And I prayed about it.

The thought will go away for a little while, sometimes a few minutes but it always seems to resurface, throwing me into a full blown panic attack. Sometimes lasting hours like it did last night. My arms will feel hot/numb, my heart starts racing, general feeling of impending doom, and all in all I feel like I'm not myself. This has lasted for months.

Even when I'm at work and I'm not having a panic attack, there will be times where I'll have some underlying feelings of weirdness or doom. I'll think "why do I not feel like myself? I must be possessed since I feel this weird and have these terrible thoughts"

It's really, for the most part, all my mind can think about lately.

I have an amazing, supportive girlfriend. We live together in a nice apartment in a great area of a town I love. Sometimes I'll even have thoughts that involve her. "Do I really love her? What if this was a mistake moving in with her/dating her" when just the day before I was happily staring at her thinking about how much I love her.

I'm literally terrified that I'm going insane, or that by my thoughts I somehow sold my soul. Or that sentence "I just sold my soul to Satan" came into my mind and it actually happened. I can't turn my mind off!

These types of religious/blasmephous thoughts are the main issue. The harm ocd usually isn't too severe and doesn't stick in my brain as long as the religious ocd. But when I have a bad harmful thought, I sometimes link it in to me "going crazy" or "being possessed."

Sometimes I'll be in one of these moods and I'll look at something, like a tree maybe. And think "if I was possessed than I could make that branch break off that tree." Obviously, the branch never breaks off the tree but I still don't feel any better because I feel possessed or even mentally insane because I even had such a crazy thought in the first place.

This has became a part of my every day life and I'm losing hope. My mind won't just go back to normal.

I've went to my doctor twice on this issue, he prescribed me Citalopram 20 MG, but I'm terrified to take it. I think, "what if it makes me feel even less like my normal self? What if it makes the thoughts stronger and even more constant?"

At this point I really don't think I could afford to feel worse than this, which is why I haven't even picked up my prescription for it yet.

I have a very demanding full time job. I've been recently promoted to an assistant store manager at a retail store. I work crazy hours, Monday 3pm-11pm, Tuesday 10am-6pm, my schedules are never consistent and I can't afford to take time off of work or be late due to a panic attack because honestly, I just have a lot of bills to keep up with.

I guess I'm writing this to try and just give myself some sort of relief. I'm losing hope at this point. I really want to get back to my normal self and I'm terrified that this is how my mind is going to work forever. Any help would be great. Thanks for reading.

1 like, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • gourabsarkar
    gourabsarkar nnelso111

    Posted

    Bro, in my view its nothing serious we all have this kind of panic attack in main stages in our lives. so kindly write down your thoughts in a personal, that no one will able to read. kindly visit a psychologist ( not a psychiatrist) . you have not need any kind of medical treatment , you just need mental support.
  • cia42277
    cia42277 nnelso111

    Posted

    I will leave a lot of this for others to answer, Nnelso. I want to address the religious/spiritual issue. Do you really think God is so cruel, unaware and uncaring that he doesn't know that you are suffering. Because of free will, he will not step in, but he WILL inspire others to help you, and I am one of those.

    One of His is suffering and is afraid and feels abandoned. "I will never leave you or forsake you." remember that? "I will lose not one of mine." remember that? "I hear you before you ask.' Remember that?

    You belong to God...your soul belongs to God....you CANNOT sell something that belongs to God...not possible. Relax, he's got you.

    There have been many times I have lifted my fist at God called him a few rather colorful names and just vented my frustration. I figured that if my earthly dad would understand that, how much more would the heavenly dad.

    Don't even give another thought to what you said to satan or anyone else. It has no power. I was dead serious when i said I was replying to you about this because I was supposed to. All is well with your soul!!!!

    • nnelso111
      nnelso111 cia42277

      Posted

      Thanks cia42277, I wish my mind would just believe what you're saying and the thoughts would go away. I really feel crazy today. Had a bad episode last night and couldn't fall asleep until 330, woke back up at 7 with one of the first things in my head of ringing in a cash register at $666.66. The thought scared the heck out of me and I can't fall back asleep now. Why would I have such a terrible thought??

      I was doing fine for a few days, and now I feel right back to where I was before. I just want to feel normal again so badly

    • cia42277
      cia42277 nnelso111

      Posted

      It's not what your mind believes, it is what YOU believe. It is your mind, not you. it is your dress, not you, it is your car not you.......God doesn't say your mind belongs to Him, He says YOU belong to Him.

      Your mind, your dress, your car are not you.....Who is this You". We can be tempted, but it is up to us to say..."Shut up and get lost. You are tresspassing on private property. I belong to God, not you." That is your job, honey. We have free will......use that will!!!!!

      We all have to be careful that we don't slide sideways into "poor me."

      You have the power to say NO to these thoughts. No one else can do that for you, dear one.

      What would you say to someone at work who kept telling you your parents were not your parents, that they were your parent? See what I mean?

      These nasty thoughts are not going to go away because you want them to. They will go away when you keep telling them to. When we are training a child not to do something, we all know it's going to take many, many NO's until that child finally gets that you are serious.

      You are strong and know to whom you belong, now you get to act like it. Sending you a big hug and kiss on the cheek.

       

    • nnelso111
      nnelso111 cia42277

      Posted

      Thank you so much for the quick reply and inspiration. I was always a really stubborn kid so it's no surprise that my thoughts are so stubborn now! Lol. I'm currently trying to schedule an appointment to see a therapist, and thinking about finally starting my Citalopram. I'm nervous, but I'm at my ends with these thoughts and OCD. I'm just nervous that it will make me feel worse and make the thoughts more constant.

    • cia42277
      cia42277 nnelso111

      Posted

      So far, I hve not heard anyone say that an anti anxiety med has made the thoughts worse. If really concerned, talk to your doctor. Getting on meds really helped me.
    • nnelso111
      nnelso111 cia42277

      Posted

      Hey cia. Wondering if you're still following my post. I decided to take my Citalopram HBR 20mg. The first 2 days actually went well. Now I'm on day 4 and I'm having an extreme panic attack, hence why I'm back on the forum. Terrible thoughts as usual but the physical symptoms seem worse. Really hoping this blows over soon.

    • nnelso111
      nnelso111 cia42277

      Posted

      I think I may have also experienced "word salad" type thoughts for the first time last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Not any of my typical, scary thoughts and I wasn't feeling panic-y at all while the thoughts were happening. I don't know if you're familiar with word salad, but I'm also hoping that's a side effect of the Citalopram that will pass. I really, really hope I'm not schizophrenic, as that's one of my biggest phobias.. Hope all is well with you and hope you read this and reply soon!

  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 nnelso111

    Posted

    I answered thru your PM because it will go to moderation otherwise. Hang in there you need a lot more knowledge in whats going on. Theres a ton of options to choose from to obtain relief or manage this but you need to know your choices avaialable,
  • vanessa45115
    vanessa45115 nnelso111

    Posted

    You're not going crazy!!! I have generalized anxiety disorder with thoughts of harm. They scare me to death, I have never hurt a living soul in my life and I won't even say anything to anybody if I know I will hurt their feelings. I am on meds and they help me so much. The thoughts just faded away from me and that was it. I understand why you're so scared and you should go see someone so they can help you understand what is happening. It's going to be hard to tackle this alone. I hope you seek help, there's nothing wrong with you and you would be so surprised to know how many people have intrusive thoughts. Take care

  • Tip
    Tip nnelso111

    Posted

    I have had many intrusive thoguhts - thoughts that scare the heck of of me. I talked to my nurse practitioner about it and she says it's a part of anxiety. It's like anxiety is playing tricks on our psyche. The anxiety wants the control.

    ?You seem to have a blessed life with a great support system. Maybe you are afraid of losing that and that causes anxiety.

    ?Working crazy hours can also cause a lot a anxiety. Try taking the meds, they may help you. And if they don't, try again. It's you who has to break the cycle and sometimes that in itself is the scary part.

    ?Keep posting and if doing so provides you some relief then it was worth it. Don't lose hope. This will not be forever - it just seems like it.

    Know you are truly blessed and you will be alright. I'm sending you love and strength. Take care of you.

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