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Hi, I'm a 20 year old male new to this site. Recently I've been having some extreme thoughts, some blasphemous thoughts, some not, and some harm ocd. Some days are better than others but some days I just can't seem to stop myself from these thoughts. Last night I didn't manage to go to bed until 4am due to a panic attack from the obsessive thoughts, and here I am up at 8am, I can't fall back asleep due to the thoughts. It's hard to describe my ocd. I guess to word it best, I'll just get sentences stuck in my head and I can't get them to stop. Like last night I thought "I give my soul to satan"
Than I immediately went back on it and said aloud "I give my soul to you God." And I prayed about it.
The thought will go away for a little while, sometimes a few minutes but it always seems to resurface, throwing me into a full blown panic attack. Sometimes lasting hours like it did last night. My arms will feel hot/numb, my heart starts racing, general feeling of impending doom, and all in all I feel like I'm not myself. This has lasted for months.
Even when I'm at work and I'm not having a panic attack, there will be times where I'll have some underlying feelings of weirdness or doom. I'll think "why do I not feel like myself? I must be possessed since I feel this weird and have these terrible thoughts"
It's really, for the most part, all my mind can think about lately.
I have an amazing, supportive girlfriend. We live together in a nice apartment in a great area of a town I love. Sometimes I'll even have thoughts that involve her. "Do I really love her? What if this was a mistake moving in with her/dating her" when just the day before I was happily staring at her thinking about how much I love her.
I'm literally terrified that I'm going insane, or that by my thoughts I somehow sold my soul. Or that sentence "I just sold my soul to Satan" came into my mind and it actually happened. I can't turn my mind off!
These types of religious/blasmephous thoughts are the main issue. The harm ocd usually isn't too severe and doesn't stick in my brain as long as the religious ocd. But when I have a bad harmful thought, I sometimes link it in to me "going crazy" or "being possessed."
Sometimes I'll be in one of these moods and I'll look at something, like a tree maybe. And think "if I was possessed than I could make that branch break off that tree." Obviously, the branch never breaks off the tree but I still don't feel any better because I feel possessed or even mentally insane because I even had such a crazy thought in the first place.
This has became a part of my every day life and I'm losing hope. My mind won't just go back to normal.
I've went to my doctor twice on this issue, he prescribed me Citalopram 20 MG, but I'm terrified to take it. I think, "what if it makes me feel even less like my normal self? What if it makes the thoughts stronger and even more constant?"
At this point I really don't think I could afford to feel worse than this, which is why I haven't even picked up my prescription for it yet.
I have a very demanding full time job. I've been recently promoted to an assistant store manager at a retail store. I work crazy hours, Monday 3pm-11pm, Tuesday 10am-6pm, my schedules are never consistent and I can't afford to take time off of work or be late due to a panic attack because honestly, I just have a lot of bills to keep up with.
I guess I'm writing this to try and just give myself some sort of relief. I'm losing hope at this point. I really want to get back to my normal self and I'm terrified that this is how my mind is going to work forever. Any help would be great. Thanks for reading.
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