Feel anxious non stop now.

Thank you Helen and yes you are right, I am fighting it and I know that is not the right way to deal with this, it just doesn't work.

When I was really unwell before I think the only reason I ever got any better was because I completely and utterly accepted the situation and every symptom that came with it, I let it happen with no expectation of improvement and the imrovement came naturally.

I think I really need to learn to do that again and stop the fighting and struggling, deep down I know the symptoms are not harmful and cannot hurt me at all, I just feel so depleted and upset that things are so bad which starts the whole 'fight it' thing again.

I don't like myself at all at the moment, actually even before my really bad breakdown last year my self esteem was low, I had deliberately lost weight but had not done it in a healthy way and once I hit my target I just couldn't stop, you are so right when you say it's control, I cannot control my anxiety and agoraphobia so I have a desperate need to control everything else and that includes my weight.

What I really need to do is throw the bathroom scale away and stop calorie counting, that was another thing I did last time, I allowed that control to slip and just ate good foods not caring about the calories or the weight, I didn't even gain much either.

I have tried really hard to get help with the eating issue but the mental health team are useless and refuse to take it seriously despite the fact that my husband has told them so many times that I have a huge problem with that.

I do need to take a step back and be more rational about everything, I freak out far to easily, like today, I am really tired, no energy which made it hard to even shower and I was too worn out to do the cleaning I had planned, now in my mind that is a crisis, I am worrying about being so unwell but in reality I am just a really tired, exhausted and nervous person and this exhaustion I feel is perfectly reasonable under the circumstances, I am sure I could get more done if I pushed myself, it's not that I am not capable in the way I fear just really worn out and that is normal with high anxiety.

I am going to do my best to gather that strength and stop fighting so hard too, thank you so much x

Hi Bella,

the weight issue really troubles me, mainly because of my own experience with drastic weight loss and how ill I felt because of it

Honey, if you cannot get help from the mental health for your eating disorder then you have to help yourself..and you can. I did. Albeit my weight loss was due to total lack of appetite and yours due to another, at the end of the day I mastered it and so will you

The problem with you at the moment, Bella, is you've sunk into apathy. Part of this I believe is due to lack of nourishment. The body is an engine and it needs fuel to run correctly.

It's no wonder you feel lethargic/ exhausted. On top of the agoraphobia, the anxiety disorder, you are not looking after your body. Healthy body, healthy mind. The less you do physically, the less you want to do. It's a vicious circle.

You have to make a plan of action. It's not about fighting nor struggling. It's about taking control and having goals. It's about a quiet determination. If you are not getting help from the medical profession then your only resource is to help yourself

Otherwise you are never going to get better

Please, Bella, when you wake up, get up! No lolling in bed, telling yourself you're too tired to move. Eat, little and often. Feed your body please don't starve it. Don't try to distract yourself, just go about the day, slowly, gently, but try to keep moving. Wobbly legs will still hold you up. Shaky hands can still do housework.

And whilst I am loth to talk about this, I will say when my weight was at my lowest I had an ovarian cyst that damn well nearly killed me. I had to have an emergency, life saving op and my recovery was slow and hellish. Do you know why? Because I didn't have enough body weight, that's why.

The surgeon gave me hell in a kindly way, telling me, 20 minutes later, half a stone lighter, and I'd have been dead.

So you see we need to maintain a healthy weight to fight infections/ illnesses, operation recovering or even falls. I slid down the stairs, on my backside and fractured 3 cocxy bones because my butt didn't have enough padding to absord the shock. Major pain in the arse that was,

Make a determined start tomorrow to get yourself back on track, okay?

Many hugs

Helen

Hi Lily, thank you and I am sorry you are suffering too, it's a lousy thing to have to live with and it can be a bit of a shock at first because it's hard to imagine that anxiety can make you feel so awful and unable to function properly, it's horrid not feeling yourself.

I totally relate to that fear of collapsing, I do try to be rational and think about how many times I have feared it but it has never happened, I can do that to an extent but it still feels very frightening.

I'm so pleased that the Citalopram and vitamin D are helping you, I was given an antidepressant called Mirtazapine, had a severe adverse reaction and have been advised to take a short break from new meds to recover emotionally and then try again with something else, I know Citalopram is one my doctor has in mind so hopefully I can get the courage to start it soon and it might help me too xx

is the weight an issue here? That part concerned me, only insofar as I dropped so much weight with my Ad/AG and I know I felt shaky and lightheaded all the time. Is there a link there, between weight and symptoms?

Hugs Helen

So many go there so much i dont think ahes has gone at all. You dont have to drive..just call the ambulance they will bring her. Have to draw a line at some point where its enough. 

I have to agree with you.

This is beyond what she is capable of coping with and anyway, she's not getting better. If there is an underlying cause, and there may well be considering, as you so rightly point out, she is going downhill,  then it needs to be found and dealt with

Hi Lisa, I have not had any blood work done since January, I had a thyroid check, sodium, vitamins, iron levels and liver function which were all fine but my doctor does think I need another check and she wants to check my hormone levels too which I think is a good idea.

I am just going to have to push past the agoraphobia and go and get it done, I felt so awful last night that I very nearly did call an ambulance, I was past the point of caring about how panicky getting in it would be because I just felt so unwell but I lost my nerve in the end and couldn't do it.

I feel that something is wrong besides the anxiety although I strongly suspect it is hormonal what with the intense hot flashes I get and having to pluck long hairs from my chin that come back every few days, something isn't right there.

The itching is still there but was better today thankfully, I will contact my doctor on Monday and arrange the blood work, I will also ask for a full exam, I have had my blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugars checked in the past month, those were fine, there was concern about my weight and a nurse did say to me 'you are a bit anorexic to be honest' but I was offered no further support with that and I do need it.

I need to make sure I am physically okay in case there is something there standing in the way of my recovery with the anxiety and agoraphobia.

Wow Bella, you still have common sense on your side - physically you're looking after yourself, although your nurse could've been more supportive hey? Maybe your doctor could refer you on the anorexia front, and also check your hormone levels? 

I'm personally petrified of the Menopause, having lived with (and mostly conquered depression + anxiety) because of the mood swings...

Keep us updated angel x

I always feared menopause, I had severe PND after my youngest was born 9 years ago and PMS has always cranked up my anxiety levels too so hormones really do mess with me badly, I will definitely keep everyone updated x