feel like taking risks again!!

Posted , 3 users are following.

Don't know what yet but yesterday was angry frustrated upset agitated already been to GP about chest pains got chest x ray await  results possible strained muscles in the joints of breast bone. Bit later on took 5mg diazepam as crying screaming ete etc text Cpn as in no state to talk not sure if that was allowed (as bee ndiscahrgedf rom her) anyway no reply. Decided go for a walk, didn't tell anyone where to but a walk through the forest tracks up in the hills the wind was strong, trees bending in half, the rain was hard and cold got soaked as took my coat off too thoughts were I am in the process of doing something really risky and silly here and I don't care. Was out for 3 hours, tried phoning Samaritans but bad signal and she couldn't hear me so gave that up. Did get home drenched but quite exhilerated now debatng going out somewhere again just to see, as I don't really care if I live or die just take risks and see where they take me at least if I;m out on my own I;m not involving or hurting anyone else. Is this wrong? 

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21 Replies

  • Posted

    Well I know no one has said anything and that;s fine. Been out for a walk again in the rain and cold, taken my anti inflamatories for the pain in my chest which they think is a strain in the joints of my breast bone can;t remember the medical name they make me tierd too, took 5 mg diazepam while out walking felt quite spaced out had a walk through a river to see how deep it was, quite deep and fast flowing in places good place to drown if I'd wanted but didn;t obviously otherwise i wouldn't be writing this, randomly booked a hotel room away for tomorrow to escape my life for a while don't know where I'll go after that.. Everyone take care on here. Thanks Tina x 

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    • Posted

      IT DEPENDS HOW FAR YOUR WILLING TO GO WITH YOUR RISKS,GOING OUT 4 A WALK IN THE RAIN IS OK I DO THAT BUT WITH MY DOGS ,BUT SOD 3 HOURS WALKING 30 MINS AND THATS ENOUGH 4 ME LOL,JUST DO WHAT EVER MAKES YOUR FEEL BETTER,ITS YOUR LIFE SO LIVE IT IN WHAT EVER WAY MAKES YOU HAPPY AND AS LONG AS YOUR NOT HURTING NO1 ELSE WHATS THE PROBLEM, STAY STRONG AND KEEP FIGHTING THE FIGHT
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    • Posted

      trouble is Gary i'm getting tired agan of fighting the fight, but your right I;m not hurting anyone else as long as i keep on coming back but the more and more I don't want to come back that;s the problem that;s why i don't follow the golden rule always tell someone where you are going for  awalk and eta of returning. Anyway it will be getting colder again and snow again soon. So who knows!!!!! i hope your dogs enjoy thier 30 mins out but i;m sure it;s more than once a day lol...

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    • Posted

      lol ok an hour aday,lifes about 2 many rules thats why we get depressed,we get told from such a young age do this do that,dont do this dont to that well what i say is fook um all,and when it snows go build a snow man 
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    • Posted

      You're not the first person who has suggested that since I've been on my own trouble is I can't look after myself properly let alone an animal. I know they all say you will but I have dog sat and after a short while I get short inpatient don't want to bother just find it a pain, nuisance and want to give it back. I know they can give you unconditional love but I'm not ready for that commitment.

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    • Posted

      get a cat then,they come and go as they please abit like yourself,you sound like you will be ok to me you just gotta go through the daily motions like i do and do what needs to be done,just remember to wear a coat when the snow comes and your sledge

       

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    • Posted

      Thought of that one too, even a goldfish just can't be bothered. Yes like you try to go through the day to day motions car all packed for my escape sun is shining at present so hopefully the road won't be too busy. Just got to remember to come back. Yes coat, hat gloves for sledging. You give those dogs a good walk. Thank you for your help keep on plodding on and I'll try my best too. X

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    • Posted

      Dear Tina,

      I hope that getting away from it all and a change of scenery does you the world of good. You have come such a long way and have shown such resilience and strength. I can picture you fighting the elements (I'm thinking of Winnie the Pooh & Piglet on a very windy day!) It's so good to get outside and feel exhilarated. I'm not a risk-taker myself (too much a coward) but I came off my meds a year ago because I was fed up living in a fog and actually wanted to feel something, good or bad. You may be taking a break from technology too while you're away but I'm looking forward to hearing all about it when you get back. Take care. Hugs x

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    • Posted

      Thanks everyone spent the last few hours chatting with a lady who lost her husband just over a year ago her outlook on life is so different to mine. We are around the same age too, she has more family than me It's shows how different we all are trouble is it has made me more depressed and feeling suicidal, which is possibly one of the reasons I've come away from my home territory. Might go out for a walk to try and clear my head as she has gone off to bed. No signal in my room either so won't be able to answer. I'm f........ Might need help later. The bay is just outside the door oh f,,, now what. Sorry folks life is so s,,,,. Xx

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    • Posted

      Sorry about last post tide is out quick walk along the beach in the rain. Life sucks got to decide what or where to go tomorrow don't want to go home yet and not booked into a hotel either looks like sleeping bag in the car. The sleeping bag is not me by the way lol.

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    • Posted

      Hi all well things have all gone to pot, I continued on my trip, even climbed a hill to some ruins chatted to people up there too which I don't normally do positive, then got so far another 30 odd miles down the road then broke down not the car me!! difficult driving very windy roads through tears. Stopped just couldn'tdo it how pathetic is that. Turned round called into a national hertiage garden found a bench in the sun looking out over the sea and just laid there crying not knowing what to do. Stay go what is the point in living when I can't do things. Got home eventuallyquite a few hours later. Been crying texted my son who is away to say I;m home not sure why cos i feel like running and running and not coming back ever I just don't know what to do i just can;t see the point in carrying on anymore. Not sure if to ring Samaritans or even NHS24 and speak to the mental health people or am i just being too dramatic!!!!! or just being a nuisance to people as i have great diffculty trying to describe what i'm feeling, thinking etc Haven't done anything yet as I won't at home as I will not let my son find me....I just fee lso useless, pathetic, hopeless keep trying and trying. snorkal in the north sea tomorrow would work as i find the sea comforting, how did I describe it, the water caressing you, comforts you it wraps all  round you it hugs you, makes you feel wanted....sorry for the downer. I;m finding this difficult to describe why can't these thought just go away i want then to just go.... been sat here looking a tthis debating pressing the button its pressed now....xx

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    • Posted

      hope tomoz is a better day 4 u,wines always good till the next day,but your a big girl and only you and you only decide the choices you make,just be strong 4 your son if not 4 yourself,AND GO SEE YOUR DOC AGAIN THE TABLETS ARNT WORKING
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    • Posted

      I agree with Gary. The medication you are taking does not seem to be effective. I'm so concerned about the turmoil of intrusive thoughts & emotions that are overwhelming you. You tried getting away from it all (which was a very good idea). Through no fault of your own, it didn't quite work or at least the circumstances weren't right. Something in your life desperately needs to change - medication, therapy, support network. I hope that you have a good night's sleep. Often sleep is the only escape we get when things are really tough. However, you are not alone. We are here for you so please keep in touch. Big hug xx

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    • Posted

      Morning all its a cold one today, answer to your question on meds i am only on diazepam as and when required which at present is at least 2 5mg a day, I do try not to take them but then throw caution to the wind to help escape mixedwith alcohol i know its wrong but it knocks you out for a while for a bit of peace.. Been on citalapram up to 45mg horrendous nightmares back down to 30, moved onto venlafaxine which were even worse even more suicidal. Ended on the dreaded mirtazapine up to 45 very quickly while i was in hosiptal (voluntary patient) as it seemed the safest place to be at the time, to keep an eye on me etc. I was still very irrational, angry, agressive, impulsive, depressed and then the dreaded weight gain, sleep rubbish so with agreement with psychiatrist as none were making any difference this was after over a year so gradual decrease and stop. Not as aggresive well not as often, 

      So got to decide what to do constructive safely today!!! could just stay in bed but that;s not agood idea. Blue sky sunshine so walk out somewhere I think I suppose away from water too. thank you guys for being there and sorry for being such a pain but these intrusive thoughts just won't go away. all during my therapy they were high. i am trying to follow the plan that was drawn up but I jsut get so fed of keep trying again and again and again so they do know but I've got to deal with it safely which I'm trying but again one day i will just say stuff it and do something and I'm getting to the point where it will be soon cos I am so fed of of it all. Breakfast I suppose. thanks again, Tina x

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    • Posted

      you seem like an intelligent lady to me by the way your talk so you know that giving in is not the answer and DEFFO wouldent help your son? i have some hum dinger of days were i feel like im out of body but i just go through the motions and get on with what ever it is i have to do,its just my mind playing tricks on me,im on citrapram 40 mg and proponol 4 during the day and that seems to help me,still think u need to see your doc and get a dog and join a social group,add me on facebook and i will play chess with you or scrabble that helps me smile

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    • Posted

      Thanks Gary I go to exercise classes general chat to people there. glad you seem to be settled on citrapram and proponol. No to a dog especially when i'm out at work all day that;s not fair on the dog. Don't tend to put much on facebook as again it's avoiding people. Never played chess or scrabble on there is it a private group or open to anyone as I know my daughter in law plays scrabble? I just want to stick my head in a bucket of sand and wait for all this to go away. Sorry you have some really rubbish days going through the motions is ok for a while then people seem to think oh good you are better..don't really know what I'm writing really sorry. I sometimes wish the world was flat then I could just drive off the edge!!!!! 

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    • Posted

      yes i think its an open group,yes i would be easyier if the world was flat but unfortunatly its not,obviously your wanting to talk about how your feeling hence on this group which is why i replied in the begining as no1 else was and i wondered why,as soon as you mention ive had enough people never know what to say but i do as aq person is a person and does what they want in life as its there body but you seem like you have a lot to offer in terms of your personality,maybe you might be able to help others who feel the same sometimes its easyier to help others than actualy helping yourself? just a thought
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