Posted , 15 users are following.
I'm new to this forum but thought I'd seek some help as its very much needed.
I'm a 29 year old male, an have not really been myself properly since 2008.. Every year I go through a low mood an then get so tired. I was prescribed anti depressants (citropram 20mg) then it went up to 40mg at certain points. Every time I have a change in my life then I seem to go strange whether it be in work or home life, well I think it's to do with change..
I used to love work and work all hours an travel to different countries & my work ethic was brilliant but my confidence has completely gone in everything I do and it's been like this for nearly 6 months now.
Last year was a complete mash up for me, my wife told me she didn't love me anymore so we split & sold our house and I moved from Wales to England to live with my friend. We were married for 4 years and together 8'years. I think my bouts of depression did not help our relationship as sometimes I was happy but most of the time had no energy and was down. She did not like the idea of anti depressants and rather me sort out the cause of it..I did do counselling but never helped.
Also For many years (14 in total) I've suffered with gambling addiction as well, would never be a point where we had no money as both were in very well paid jobs but of course that did not help the relationship.
Anyway since we have split up I've constantly been in this low mood and depressed an few occasions just thinking of ending it all, so in November the doctor changed my tablets to mirtazapine 15mg and oh god... I took the first tablet on the Wednesday,slept all day on the Thursday an by the Friday I was unstoppable... Was in the gym, was not scared of any work, was cooking and felt so focused... Was dancing to Xmas songs around the house.. I felt alive. So much energy.... Counsellor was pleased, I was doing all my things to do list each day and everything was clear... Like my brain had opened the flood gates. Unfortunately this only lasted a week and a half and then I was back to my grumpy self with no energy again... Had points was feeling suicidal again. The phycaitrist doubled the dosage then but 5-6 weeks gone by an I was feeling nothing.. No motivation..no energy,,,no life in me.
I decided to come off all tablets over the Xmas period by reducing the dosage over the weeks so by new year I was completely off them.
Since the new year I've not been on any tablets, not gambled at all and have been on a 6 week course for depression/anxiety and have not drank any alcohol at all...joined a gym an eat healthily but I'm constantly tired.. The doctors signed me off over Xmas but I chose to take my holidays instead as I do not like being off work ill but when I went back on the 7th Jan I could not face it... I was in physical pain and have been signed off since with low mood. I just don't understand any of this.. I'm trying all sorts, courses, relaxation tapes... Exercise, I've spent about £150 on viatamins like omega 3 oils and magnesium. EPA an DHA are supposed to be vital for depression and bi-polar so I've made sure the omega 3 is high in that. Also now drinking herbal tea. If someone said sit on your head for 3 hours a day I would!
I've seen a private doctor and she's put it down to low self esteem an confidence...and the gambling.
My head tells me everyday. Every hour "you're useless" "life is not worth living" " you are stupid", "you're going to lose your job and never get another one" etc
I've had these inner voices for so long now that they are just built into me. I used to want a family but now dead against having kids as insult not want them to go through these horrible thoughts and feelings.
There are so many people out there with much less then me and they cope but I'm just constantly worrying and hate life... And exhausted all then time. Even though I've got no money issues, still have my job but off sick. I feel selfish for being like this but just can't get out of it.
Was asked to go way this weekend, I agreed yesterday but the didn't sleep all night as was worried and then had stomach pains this morning so I cancelled going as I did not want to be grumpy and spoil my friends holiday.
Doctor prescribed dexetine today but so many bad reviews... Do I go back on tablets or anything else to try??
I've got a lot more to add but there's just no point adding it....
Any ideas welcome as I'm losing the will to live......
Sorry for such a long message.
5 likes, 17 replies