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Feeling a little better but I still don’t want to be here..

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katie41282
katie41282

I’ve said before that I’ve had problems with me and my mom. She’s repeatedly called me names and such. She ignored me for a week and wouldn’t talk with me or say goodnight or goodbye when I went to school. This really hit me. It also hit me when I asked to hang out with a friend and she said she didn’t care anymore. As in she didn’t care what I did or where I went. It made me feel like she didn’t care if I was alive or dead. But things have gotten a little better. She’s sort of talking to me now. It’s not as bad. My boyfriend has really been here to support me and help me through this. Through every night. I I’ve come so close to ending it all. But I tried to stay strong. He’s really helped me with a lot. I stole my parents cigarettes and smoked several. My boyfriend said that if I smoked one more, he would take away my lighter. If he caught me again, he would tell me Mom. I chose to stop for his sake and to not worry him. My boyfriend told me that I should still try to “apologize” to my mom so she’ll stop being mean to me and so we can see each other again. I’ve been slowly building this up. But I still feel really hurt. I feel better, but empty. I don’t know why. 

1 like, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • hedda99
    hedda99 katie41282

    Posted

    Hi Katie, I can sort of relate to what you are saying. I'm in my 40s now and no longer in touch with my own mum. I've had to do that for my own sanity. She used to give me the silent treatment too and put me down, call me selfish etc. I also went to her for help when I became severely depressed and anxious in high school, and she ignored me. She is the sort of person who turns everything into being about her, and how she is feeling. I didn't realise she was like this till I got to my late teens.

    As a mother myself, I can tell you that this is not normal behaviour. Your mom and my mum are both acting very childishly and selfishly. What your mom is doing is not parenting, but rather acting like a child herself. I now know my mum has some sort of personality disorder and I really don't think she realises how she behaves. But as her child it is very confusing, hurtful and has caused a lasting effect on my mental health. Oh yes, and she hardly ever says 'sorry' and when she does it is always followed by 'but you ....' (so it isn't really an apology at all!!)

    Our parent's behaviour is not our fault. They are humans, and humans are not perfect. She is your mom, but she is also a person in her own right. As are you Katie. I'm sure your mom probably loves you in her own way, but she is going about things all wrong. You probably can't change that Katie. I would just try to get through as best you can, and one day you will be old enough to leave home and make your own life. It's good you have your boyfriend to support you. Look to friends etc for support, and try to take a step back and see you mom as a person who isn't the best at knowing how to parent. 

    Everyone wants their parent's to be there for them, to soothe them and show love. But some people just aren't up to that.

    Take care Katie and be kind to yourself.

    • katie41282
      katie41282 hedda99

      Posted

      I’m sorry to hear that about your mom. That sounds exactly like my mom. I think selfish was one of the worst things that affect me because I’ve always tried to put others before me. It just made me think what I’ve been doing for so long has been for myself. Everyone makes mistakes and I can see where my mom is coming from. But you can say something and get your point across without the hurtful language. And my boyfriends family has been very caring too, even if my mom thinks they are weird. I actually think they are a very normal, loving, and supporting family, unlike my mom. One day I do hope to leave the negativity behind and do my own thing. Eventually start a family and raise them the right way without the hurt. Thank you for the advice. I will try to stay well. I hope you stay well too. Thank you so much. 
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