feeling absolutely rubbish

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Hi Guys and Girls

I have had two really bad days after feeling really great last week. Last night I was sat on rocks at the edge of a fastflowing river debating about falling in it just felt right at the time. Lost the connection with the Samaritans but talked my self out of doing it. Eventually returned home with very cold wet feet and trousers. Today has been  a bit better, walking up a Glen in Scotland and cried alot. Couldn't get hold of my councillor. Had a few drinks this evening feeling abit more relaxed. Life is absolutely S***. I thought the 40mg of cit was working but I seem to be ging backwards again.....

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  • Posted

    Tina, as people keep telling me you'll have up days and down days but the fact that you are having up days like last week shows that you are getting there. Stick with it and remember that you have had good days and will have more. Please don't feel like you're alone because you're not. You are strong and determined and are trying to feel better. You will get there, it just takes time xx
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    • Posted

      I'm just totally fed up of having more down days than good. I thought I had cracked it last week and things were feeling not too bad but yesterday and today have been really bad with the suicidal thoughts and almost actions again I hate feeling like this and just wish it would stop. 
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  • Posted

    Hi Tina

    I@ve read your past posts also before replying to this.  Please hang in there, it's early days on your dose, it does take up to 2 months to have an effect.  Also you have been through a lot so you are quite well deserved in feeling life is sh*t, for you right now it is.  I have never lost a husband so I cannot speak from experience but I have gone through several bereavements and although it never magically goes away it just gets easier to deal with the pain until the point where you can join life again.  You are going to have up and down days that's the way it works on the Cit.  Nothing is going to wave a magic wand here but the Cit will help you just look at things in a fresh light and see your thinking process more clearly. 

    Big hugs xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina

    As bless you.  Sorry you're having a tough time of late.  Recovery works exactly as you've described.  You get through the side effects, feel calmer, then feel quite good and wham, you're back down a hole again.  It perfectly normal.  As you recover, you'll find you slip backwards every so often.  It doesn't mean the medication isn't working - it means it IS working.  Recovery is always 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

    When you're having a bad spell, however bad it is just tell yourself that this is normal.  Try and accept how you're feeling, let it be and it'll disappear again in time.  Eventually the bad spells will get less and less until they're no more.

    It's very hard to endure, and I've been in exactly the same place you were in last night.  If ever you feel like that again, please speak to someone if you can and remind yourself that this is how recovery works.  3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

    Lots of patience while you wait to heal.  You're doing a grand job.

    Keep in touch xxxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your support I just find so hard to think positive when I am feeling like that, that is all thats on my mind and I can't get rid of it, it seems to take me over and when I'm on the brink I seem to wake up. I've got through my 3 hours at work today ok, so maybe I am on the way back up again. Who knows.
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    • Posted

      Don't try and rid yourself of the thoughts of anxiety.  Just let them be there and they'll go away on their own time as you begin to feel better.  Glad to hear you were able to go to work for a few hours :-) xx
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    • Posted

      The anxiety triggers the suicidal feelings, then when I am at the point of doing something stupid I am calm and peaceful, the anxiety has vanished. It's when I seem to come out of the trance that it all kicks in again. Its difficult to describe. I just find it so frightening as thats the 3rd time I have been on the brink, what happens if I don't stop? stupid question really!!!!!
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    • Posted

      In time this medication will calm the anxiety - honestly, it will.  Without the anxiety you truly won't feel like this anymore.  It's a viscous circle, and once the circle is broken, you will heal.  Promise.

      If you find yourself on the brink again, please call someone.  Take a deep breath, stop and remind yourself that you are healing at the moment, just as a broken leg heals.  You definitely on your way to recovering.  I've witnessed this - someone in the same place as you, and now they're happy and nearly back on top.  You WILL get back on top too.  It's a painful journey I know, but you will heal.

      Accepting how you feel at the moment and patience ......... recovery will happen.

      K xx

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    • Posted

      Hi kate, your posts are so comforting and encouraging.

      Can i just ask do you still have blips where you feel you have gone backwards. It really shocked me to have a massive dip after feeling so good, however i have accepted i had alot going on which is probably what caused it.

      I know its perfectly normal for people to get anxious in certain situations i just find i tend to think mine is worse than it actually is if that makes sense

      amy x

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    • Posted

      Hi Amy

      Glad you find my posts comforting and encouraging.  I'm speaking from the heart, having been there myself and also nursed my son through the same too.  I just hope I can pass on my experience on the meds and from my own journey :-)

      When I was recovering I got blips every so often which always threw me, but as time went by they got less and less, shorter when they did come and also less intense too.  I have been well for 15 years now, came off the medication a year ago, but restarted them 4 months ago due to family illness.  This time around it didn't take as long to feel well again and I haven't had as many blips either.  I feel slightly flat occasionally so think that's all I feel now when I'm having a blip .......  

      It does shock you when you get a blip right out of the blue.  You forget what it feels like to be in that dark hole, so to be back there again feels horrible.  Those same old self doubts come flooding back too of 'it's not working' 'I'll never be better' etc ... but that's normal too.

      You'll have many blips along the way, some might be worse than others ...... but it doesn't mean you're ill again - it just means that you're going through the normal healing process.  You might even get an odd blip a year from now, but they get less intense until no more come at all.

      Yes everyone get anxious, and this could cause the odd one I suppose.  Too many late nights often used to cause me to blip.

      I think whatever the cause, just accept it's all part of the healing process and it should pass.

      So, they do stop eventually.

      K xx

       

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  • Posted

    Hey Tina,

    Sounds pretty rough! I hope your feeling better. The thought of suicide really scares me and how people could do it. As I don't have any relgious beliefs and don't think there is anything after life, just really scares me even thinking about it. I think you need to speak to your doctor/consillor asap and if they aren't reachable and you lose contact with help lines you should phone a friend/family member or even the police!? As a last resort if you feel like you can't go on, its better that someone comes to help you rather than having to feel like this and next time you push it too far and do something silly.

    I am sorry for the way you feel I too feel like life is hopeless and I don't belong, but I guess we only have one life and we have to get on with it and try and make the most of our situations no matter how bad it is. If you are new to cit give it time to work or if your incraseing the dose just give it time, all the people around you, on this, your doctor, your consillor are all deadicated to helping you and want to try and help you feel the best you can be. It may take time and I hope its not too long. Stay strong!

    I find it comforting when I just take a step back from it all and have a look at whats going on as awhole. I have lost family members, best friends and its been horrible. There is nothing we can do about that but if you take a step back and look at what people are doing for you now, they want you to be happy. They are trying to make your life better by teaching you how to cope, helping you by giving you medications until they find one that will work perfect for you! It just takes time.

    Not only do people care for you and want you to be happy even if you don't see it that way, try and take a step back and try your best to work along side the people who are trying to help you. I am sure one day in the not so distant future you will be happy don't let your friends, your doctor etc feel like they are to blame for you getting caught up in a moment of sadness and pain. We all go through challanges some tougher than others but please stay strong!

    I hope this helps? I am sort of rammbling on but I wanted to try and get a few points across to you and it helps me when I think of things as a whole not just one miserable part of my life. I have a girlfriend that would die for me and do anything for me to make me feel the slightest bit better and I am so thankful That I have people in my life that care for me and want to see me happy. I really do wish you all the luck in the world to try and overcome this awful time and please keep us updated on how you are getting on! 

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks Steeko.

      I lost my husband in July and have been finding it really hard. I had a disagreement with my son over the grandchildren the other evening, most probably my fault but he said a few hurtful things, even saying as I am going out with friends walking etc I must be doing ok and over it as he has had to get on with his life and couldn't understand why I couldn't have the grandchildren over to stay they are 5 and 3. I have trouble looking after myself let alone two youg children. I visit them at their house which is fine when I get stressed out I can go home. I don't think i am being unreasonable or maybe I am.

      I forgot my dose of cit only increased 3 weeks ago so maybe that why when I get like that I cannot think straight. I've managed my 3 hours at work today ok. In 5 days next week for 3 hours a day, so will see how that goes. thanks again.

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    • Posted

      Had a good evening talking to my son getting things sorted so a really bad evening has had a good outcome. lets hope tomorrow keeps on the up. 
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    • Posted

      Aw, so sorry for your loss! It's awful losing the people you love and who you are close to. Whatever helps you cope if it may be out walking with your friends, there is nothing to be ashamed about. People cope in many different ways and some bottle the emotions and don't show people how they feel to protect them or not wanting them to worry. Just try and to explain to your son what your feeling and im sure he will understand.

      I think you answered the question yourself about the grandchildern maybe its better that you call over to his house to see the kids for now so there is no added stress at the moment and maybe he is thinking the same and trying to look out for you? 

      People do lash out and say things rashly in emotional situations I am so glad you sorted it with your son. He may also be hurting as well. Stick together and help each other!

      Ah it's good that you are keeping yourself busy with work! I was on cit for 6 weeks before I decided to come of them due to side effects and I could almost feel like I was changing as in my thought process in dealing with stress for the worse. I didn't see much benefit but then again I was only on them for 6weeks and the side effects were awful. I am to try another SSRI after Xmas as I couldn't deal with another 3 weeks for my body to adjust and go through side effects over Xmas. 

      I am glad your feeling better and keep us updated or any questions or worries I am sure there is someone that will be able to give advice and listen! 

      Have a good weekend!

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  • Posted

    Good Morning Tina,

    I am new to this site having joined yesterday and started on med yesterday afternoon.

    I don't feel as qualified as these guys to say anything apart from you are not alone and we're all here to help you, me and each other.

    I pray that I will be as brave as you when the med really starts to kick in and like you I remember where to come for that hug.

    Take care me dear!

    David

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    • Posted

      Thanks David

      I just hope you don't get too many side effects. I had already had intention to commit suicide even before I started cit, so I think it just increased the thoughts and feelings. They had subsided but I had my dose increased from 20 to 40 three weeks ago so maybe a combination of small things going wrong or me getting upset just enhances it. 

      I have found this site a godsend, took me a while to post, but even reading other peoples comments and reactions I found very helpful.

      You take care.

      Tina

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