Feeling all over the place

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi, things are starting to take a bit of a turn for the worse. Not sure what I really want advice about. Just needing to get some feelings jotted down really. 

So I am presently not on any anti-depressants. I was on citalopram for 18 months or so, at highest dose, but it wasn't working. It was the third pill I had tried. I have fibromyalgia on top of long term existing depression and anxiety so the doc switched me to cymbalta. That was hell so have been weaned off of it. Well I had what I can only describe as a type of hypomanic episode shortly after stopping it. It was a complete turn around in energy levels (though still not great due to the fibro I think!), my depression cleared and my mood and outlook and plans etc went up and up. Then that stopped practically overnight. My mood dropped,my energy dropped and an uncontrollable rage sprang up. I do get fairly irritable at times anyway as life is pretty hard going and fatigue doesn't help, but this anger has been really horrible. It has died down a bit now but I am still fairly on the edge a lot of the time. I am so easy going by nature that I just hate myself all the more when I get angry or irritated. And I have been really pretty horrible at times these past couple weeks or so. Really horrible. But the 'thoughts' have been getting stronger again. They went away too the other week but seem to have come back with a vengeance. To be perfectly honest I don't know if I trust myself or not. I've been getting a little bit reckless. Nothing very drastic at all, but it's a bit self-hating/non-caring. It's the fact that I'm so up and down that is worrying me. I can't predict my moods at all right now. I know I should probably go back to the GP but the thought of trial and error again with other drugs just sinks me lower. I see the psychologist again this week but I don't think she has a grasp on how much I am srtuggling, as I know I smile too much, even when I feel like doing you know what.

Sorry, I honestly don't know what I'm wanting anyone to say. I sort of know what I should do, but I'm so scared and tired. I really feel like giving up right now.

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  • Posted

    I should add...it has taken me three years, three goes, and a tribunal where I broke down completely (that was the end of the second go) to finally be awarded ESA this week. I should have been so relieved, if not overjoyed. I have fought and fought to get it. But I have felt nothing. That sort of scares me too.
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  • Posted

    Try talking to your psychologist about your issues. 

    In my humble opinion, General practitioners do not fully understand the illness of depression and the way that different medications interact with different people. ( just my opinion) .I really feel that your psychologist has the insight needed to make the adjustments you need to control your problems.

    On another angle.....I understand exactly what you are going through. I have been there. I recently weaned off of anti-depressants because I was sick of relying on them and feeling nothing: just flat. I went to an Ayurvedic practitioner and replaced the drugs with herbs , meditation, yoga and restricting certain food and drink from my diet. It has taken months and some rough days but I am free of the drugs and can feel real again. In my personal case, refined sugar is a huge culprit in my temper outbursts and rage. I was advised to replace with small amounts of maple syrup or honey. I avoid caffiene, processed meats,refined sugar, alcohol and dairy. It is complicated and takes hard work but pays off in huge ways !

    I hope you find a solution to your problem. Just don't give up,it takes time and commitment.

    Good luck !

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    • Posted

      well I saw the psychologist today. she is actually a health psychologist for my fibro. after speaking today she has referred me back to the community mental health team who I had an initial appointment with in May but who couldn't see me again at the time as I was on waiting list to see the health psych! Anyway, she apologised saying I had had a poor service from them (the NHS I suppose she means) but hopefully now I'll get on the right track. 

      Thank you again for your reply the other day. I'm glad at least one person responded! I was at a very low point. Still up and down but have a bit of hope now after today. 'Funnily' enough I had been doing something similar to you recently with diet etc. I've been trying to treat myself naturally and stay off the medications.  I think though that I might have to admit a bit of defeat there....blast it! I'm glad if it works for you though. I do still think it's the best way if it's possible and I would still advocate that approach first and drugs as a last option.

      Best wishes, Mari x

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    • Posted

      Well done Mari...you are listening to your own body & remaining self-aware - taking positive steps & finding hope which we all need to discover for ourselves. I agree with you....medication has always been a last resort for me too. Don't look at it as a defeat though - we're all entitled to find help wherever we can. Different things will help us at different stages of our journey. Meds have worked for me in the past but currently I have shelved a few attempts at drug-therapy due to the intolerable side effects. It's a daily battle, as it is for us all. Good luck & keep us posted. Hugs x

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  • Posted

    Hi Mari

    I hope also that you have family or someone of great trust that you can turn to. Here this forum is also awesome i tell you. People reach out of nowhere and are caring.

    Just remember the good moments you had. The moments when you felt good, and strong and normal.

    THAT person is you and THAT person can come back again and will come back again.

    When you talk to a professional look them in the eye, no smile, or downplaying it. When i told my doc i was depressed, he said,"oh so your having mood swings" I stopped him cold and looked at him square in the eye and said, "NO, these aint mood swings..im low low low like if i didnt have my kids i would not be here low do you get it?

    Someone our brains can pull out of this. You can get back to how you were, either with or without AD. It doesnt matter at this point. There should be no room for stigmas here. We need to get the relief however it may be as long as we are treating ourselves with care and safety.

    I agree with brenda that doing things as naturally as can..is best..i try to also...my body doesnt want certain things anymore because intuitively it knows it creates disharmony and bad feelings.

    At the same time i love coffee and when i feel the ability to go get a lattee i will do that. 

    But stretching, and self care, eating raw foods, being good to yourself helps. 

    There are times when i am seeing patients and I just think everybody is so stupid and lost, and im fed up with all of the bull %^$&. 

    Then the real me is the most caring, empathetic person, who love humans and everything about them. The menopausal me doesnt want anything to do with anybody except my boys, and im completely disenchanted with life..

    You hang in there you will get your normal back, and when I do , I will let you know!!

    xoxox

     

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    • Posted

      Hi kauaiblue, thank you for your reply. I've been struggling to get through this weekend on my own. Thank God I'm on my own though. I'm a mess. My son will be back later today and I'm going to have to try and pull myself together for him. My support system is practically non-existent. If it wasn't for this site at times I think I would go completely mad. I have nobody that I can properly lean on or rely on. But I've had to cope like that for a very long time now. One of the things that I am now clinging to is the thought, the hope, that I might start to get some real help now. Now that I have been referred back to the mental health team. I am really clinging on to that. But I know it will take time and I don't know how long I can wait to be honest. I feel like I have been trying to get help for such a long time and getting nowhere with it, and the longer it takes the more frustrated and hopeless I feel. And I actually DO wish someone would ask about mood swings! I think that is part of my problem. I know I've felt better than I do now, but I've never felt 'normal'! I've been up and down for over 20 years now. I keep being treated with anti-depressants only and I honestly think I would benefit from a mood stabiliser. I did tell the health psychologist I was going to go back to the GP to ask for an anti-depressant again, but she said to wait till I had seen the psych team and that maybe they would suggest something. So maybe she was thinking along the same lines! I don't know. All I know is I need to be on something NOW but I am having to wait. 

      Depression is hell. The blacker than black feeling that moves down through your body and wants to pull you thorough the floor and beyond. I know what that feels like. But I also know what it feels like to have air beneath my feet and to want to be as physically high up as possible as that is how I am feeling inside. Like I have so much energy in me that I NEED to be up high (like piling up the couch cushions and then ending up sitting on the back of it because it feels too 'low'wink.To be excitable and giddy. Or to have these 'fantastic' type thoughts about life and the universe. And to be impatient at all the slow stupid people. Those 'phases' sadly don't last very long. Sometimes only hours. Sometimes a few days. Or, more often, to be feeling calm and serene and like nothing can phase me one moment, only to find myself in a rage over the stupidest smallest thing the next.  If someone tells me again that it is 'just my depression' or 'just my anxiety', well then  - I give up.

      Good luck with your own struggles. I can't actually imagine being severely depressed all the time. I am in awe of anyone who is and who can keep going. X

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    • Posted

      Hi Mari,

      I'm not a professional or anything so this is not me telling you anything for a fact, but there's a chance you may have manic depression/bipolar disorder, judging by the fact that you have major highs (that don't last all that long). I know you've seen psychologists before, but did you tell them about the highs you experience? I would recommend seeing a doctor AND therapist and telling them about these mood swings and considering the possibility of bipolar disorder. If this is the case for you, you would need specific medications which are used to treat the disorder... I'm not a doctor or trained therapist though, I am just sharing my thoughts and letting you know what seems like a possibility in your life. ??

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    • Posted

      Hi, yes it's something I have considered myself which is why I am really hoping to get some clear answers now. I've tried to tell GPs etc before about my strange moods but they have never been willing to listen. Sometimes I think I am reading too much into my symptoms, other times I believe I am right! For example last night I listened to classical music for the first time in a long time (as I haven't been in the mood) and my emotional connection to it was almost torture at times - I haven't felt like that since being on the antidepressants (which I'm not on just now) and I had actually forgotten how emotional music can make me. That's just one example. Anyway, thank you for your reply. Hopefully I will get some answers soon. X

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    • Posted

      When will you see the GP? They should never ever ignore what you say you are feeling, because it IS real. Perhaps see a different doctor? You can ask the surgery reception if there is a GP with a particular interest/training in mental health. It is not typical for those with depression, I don't think, to experience big highs like youve described. In fact, most people *without* depression dont experience big highs naturally! I hope that BPD is looking into properly for you and that you can start treating it quickly if it is the case!x

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    • Posted

      Mari

      Im so sorry i didnt get back to you sooner.

      It seems like i cant manage anything today, and I so sympathize with what you are going through..

      my moods are darker than dark-and then when i have a good day im so happy and joyful, only to plummet again.

      im doing this with no drugs because i dont think anything works for me,,,except progesterone and that is because my hormones are whack.going through menopause.

      I could also have bipolar who knows at this point.

      Its all a RAW struggle to deal with this. I have really no one to turn to also and this site has been a lot of help. Never did i think i would be at this low, and then up and down.

      You need a definitive diagnosis and im hoping that they can give this to you. The antidepressants dont work on manic/bipolar issues, they make them worse. A mood stabilizer is what i believe is recommended such as lamictal or lithium.

      I totally feel for what you are going through. I have my kids to finish raising and im heartbroken that i am falling apart for them..its devastating me silently.

      my prayers and strength go out to you Mari

       

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    • Posted

      Hi mauiblue, having trouble collecting my thoughts today so this is hard to type! My young son still lives with me (my daughter moved out) and I feel like you in that it's devastating to not be a 'proper' mum to him. It's a desperate struggle just to meet his basic needs every day. And he sees me at my lowest points and when I am behaving badly (i.e in a BAD mood).  I love him so much my heart could break but, honestly, when he goes to his dad's it's a relief. And just typing that thought makes me want to, well I won't say it as I will only be moderated.

      I tried to type more but wasn't making sense! 

      Thank you mauiblue, my heart goes out to you.

      Mari xxx

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