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Hi guys. I'm 28 years old living in my parents loft. My dads got a lot wrong with him medically but after a small argument 3 month ago I haven't spoken to him since and actively avoid him. My mother still looks after me but is now questioning me generally, mainly because she is worried about me, I don't think im the son she expected at this age, not that she is disappointed but just wants to help. I have tried a few times now to tell her everything that I'm going to tell you but have never managed to even scratch the surface really.
I set up my own plumbing company 4 years ago and it was hard work and still is but it's getting better with better customers and more money. I've been in a relationship with a girl who absolutely adores me but I can't seem to give her what she needs but even then she stays. I have been feeling crappy for a while now and have thought about how the world would simply move on if I wasn't here anymore. I've been a weed smoker for many years now but am now drinking more than smoking. Drinking a couple of large bottles of whisky a week mainly to help me get to sleep. When I'm around friends or customers I'm fine or at least pretending to be. I know I work too much about what other people think, even people I don't know on the street. I'm constantly scared about getting into any sort of confrontation, even though I'm 6 ft 1" tall and built pretty weLloyd I haven't got a clue what to do in a fight. Always worried that any small argument would turn into a full on fight and I would lose and then lose any respect that anyone has for me. Last night I went and sat on a barrier on the edge of the motorway for a while just thinking of ways to get myself out of this hole and the only option seemed to be to take 4 steps into the slow lane but at 2 am my mum called and asked where I was and I came home. I don't want 4 to commit suicide and honestly don't think I would but right now I can't see another option.
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