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I have been suffering from depression for the past 5 years and keep relapsing. I absolutely loathe myself - I wish I was confident, I wish I could make friends easily, I wish I was normal, I wish I looked different, I wish I was fun, I wish I didn't worry so much, I wish I was spontaneous, I wish I lived in the now and not the future and most of all I wish I was happy.
I am studying to be a vet nurse at the moment and so am under immense pressure to keep on top of my studies on top of working 40 hours to obtain experience at a veterinary practice. I feel like a failure as I wanted to be a vet but due to becoming depressed, I failed to achieve the required grades. I also developed severe anxiety as a secondary symptom of my depression. I experience regular panic attacks and always fighting the thoughts in my head that something terrible is going to happen to me if I leave the house or use public transport. My anxiety affects me on a daily basis at work and makes me feel inadequate. It makes me think that every animal I see is going to attack me, so I feel I am unable to display my capabilities and nurse my patients to the standard I feel i would be able to if I was well.
My Mum and Dad recently split up. As the oldest child, I am constantly being put in the middle and have to console both of them. I chose to live with my Mum when they split, as my Dad is a recovering alcoholic, but we do not get along. She feels I am lazy and when I try to explain to her that I am absolutely exhausted, she retorts that I am not allowed to be as I don't have kids and my life is nothing compared with hers. She is constantly criticising me and this is hard for me when I already hate myself so much. My Dad has moved out and is so consumed with his new family an does not provide for us, so that is left to me - pretty hard to do on a student loan. Most of the time we have no gas/hot water/food. This does not help with my studying as it means I am unable to concentrate.
My only support is my boyfriend of two years and at the moment I feel betrayed by him. He recently attended his work Christmas party and has become friends with a female colleague and ever since they have been exchanging text messages up to 20 times a day. This alerted my suspicions as he has never spoken about her before and now they are constantly talking and I found out that he walked her home after the Christmas party. He openly texts her infront of me and i saw one from her that said some of the colleagues have suspicions regarding their relationship - this just fills me with even more concern and I want to know how they act around each other - I just keep thinking "are they flirty?" "Are they touchy feely". I am so worked up by it that I can't sleep and am constantly crying and there is a voice in my head telling me to read all the messages behind his back. I confronted him regarding it and he ensures me nothing is going on, he sees her as a friend only and that he wants to be with me. I told him that he has really upset me and that I have an inclination she likes him more as a friend due to the nature of the messages - three kisses, talks about how big him bum is, constantly using winking faces, how much she misses him when he's not at work and if he doesn't reply, she will send another message. But he doesn't believe she likes him as any more than a friend. I trust him, but it's her I don't trust. Even after confronting him, I do not feel any better and I still feel upset about his whole situation. I am not being myself with him and he is starting to notice, but I don't want to keep bringing up he subject. I just feel like she is pursuing my boyfriend and find her extremely inconsiderate and wish she would just go away - everything was fine before she came along. I am so angry at him and I am just pretending everything is fine. I am scared that if I don't, I will just push him into her arms. I feel like why would he pick me over her when all I ever am is miserable.
At this moment, I am feeling suicidal and that the only way to end this pain is to end my life. I am sick of waking up each day and having to pretend that everything is fine, when in reality all I want to do is to stay in my bed, cry and find a way to take this pain away. I just feel exhausted and what is the point in trying if what I do is never enough. Five years is too long to feel like this every single day, I can't have it for another sixty...I just can't do it. I just want all this pain to end. Just please need someone to talk to right now as I am going crazy...
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