Feeling extremely low and suicidal right now....

Posted , 6 users are following.

I have been suffering from depression for the past 5 years and keep relapsing. I absolutely loathe myself - I wish I was confident, I wish I could make friends easily, I wish I was normal, I wish I looked different, I wish I was fun, I wish I didn't worry so much, I wish I was spontaneous, I wish I lived in the now and not the future and most of all I wish I was happy. 

I am studying to be a vet nurse at the moment and so am under immense pressure to keep on top of my studies on top of working 40 hours to obtain experience at a veterinary practice. I feel like a failure as I wanted to be a vet but due to becoming depressed, I failed to achieve the required grades.  I also developed severe anxiety as a secondary symptom of my depression. I experience regular panic attacks and always fighting the thoughts in my head that something terrible is going to happen to me if I leave the house or use public transport. My anxiety affects me on a daily basis at work and makes me feel inadequate. It makes me think that every animal I see is going to attack me, so I feel I am unable to display my capabilities and nurse my patients to the standard I feel i would be able to if I was well.

My Mum and Dad recently split up. As the oldest child, I am constantly being put in the middle and have to console both of them. I chose to live with my Mum when they split, as my Dad is a recovering alcoholic, but we do not get along. She feels I am lazy and when I try to explain to her that I am absolutely exhausted, she retorts that I am not allowed to be as I don't have kids and my life is nothing compared with hers. She is constantly criticising me and this is hard for me when I already hate myself so much. My Dad has moved out and is so consumed with his new family an does not provide for us, so that is left to me - pretty hard to do on a student loan. Most of the time we have no gas/hot water/food. This does not help with my studying as it means I am unable to concentrate. 

My only support is my boyfriend of two years and at the moment I feel betrayed by him. He recently attended his work Christmas party and has become friends with a female colleague and ever since they have been exchanging text messages up to 20 times a day. This alerted my suspicions as he has never spoken about her before and now they are constantly talking and I found out that he walked her home after the Christmas party. He openly texts her infront of me and i saw one from her that said some of the colleagues have suspicions regarding their relationship - this just fills me with even more concern and I want to know how they act around each other - I just keep thinking "are they flirty?" "Are they touchy feely". I am so worked up by it that I can't sleep and am constantly crying and there is a voice in my head telling me to read all the messages behind his back. I confronted him regarding it and he ensures me nothing is going on, he sees her as a friend only and that he wants to be with me. I told him that he has really upset me and that I have an inclination she likes him more as a friend due to the nature of the messages - three kisses, talks about how big him bum is, constantly using winking faces, how much she misses him when he's not at work and if he doesn't reply, she will send another message. But he doesn't believe she likes him as any more than a friend. I trust him, but it's her I don't trust. Even after confronting him, I do not feel any better and I still feel upset about his whole situation. I am not being myself with him and he is starting to notice, but I don't want to keep bringing up he subject. I just feel like she is pursuing my boyfriend and find her extremely inconsiderate and wish she would just go away - everything was fine before she came along. I am so angry at him and I am just pretending everything is fine. I am scared that if I don't, I will just push him into her arms. I feel like why would he pick me over her when all I ever am is miserable. 

At this moment, I am feeling suicidal and that the only way to end this pain is to end my life. I am sick of waking up each day and having to pretend that everything is fine, when in reality all I want to do is to stay in my bed, cry and find a way to take this pain away. I just feel exhausted and what is the point in trying if what I do is never enough. Five years is too long to feel like this every single day, I can't have it for another sixty...I just can't do it. I just want all this pain to end. Just please need someone to talk to right now as I am going crazy...


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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Brionysummer94...I am very sorry to hear that you are experiencing all this pain. It is very unfair that we have to be succumbed to pain of that magnitude.  I want you to know there are so many people here on this website willing to help you through your pain.  Please, don't end your life.  You are very loved by so many.  I understand what you are going through at the moment.  What made you decide to become a Vet?  Those animals need you to be there voice and reason. You are here for a reason, I'm a firm believer in that.  No relationship, know matter hard or inconciderate he is to allow him to effect your life the way he is.  I want you to know that I am praying for you and I am here to talk with you.  We can and will get through this difficult time.  My heart and soul is here for you.
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  • Posted

    I'm So sorry you are feeling like this. The things you're telling yourself are an illness called depression.... It's so horrid and cruel, it makes you think things that aren't true. I know you know you have it, but that's like knowing you have flu, it doesn't stop the symptoms, but when one has flu you know it will get better, depression also gets better but when ones very low it's impossible to believe that. Have you seen a shrink? Are you on meds? If you need to speak to someone call Samaritans they really help. I have felt like you feel now👺👹 I promise it will pass, as for your boyfriend... Texting like that is flirting. No excuse no BS, what to do, I don't know, also been there and found looking on his phone made me feel dreadful, but most people do it! Men & women. Take care and try to breathe calmly and realise this is part of an illness which is NOT your fault. Rx
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  • Posted

    Hay brionysummer94, I know what it's like for depression to rebound on you because I have been suffering on and off with depression since I was 18 and now I'm 30. I was literally stabbed in the back by someone and was diagnosed with depression and have struggled since. I would like to day that you are a fantastic person and this boyfriend your with doesn't deserve you. If he keeps it up I say you should give him a choice. Tell him to wise up our leave because I know you could do better. I also know how you feel about not wanting it to last a long time and I know from others on this site that it doesn't last forever.
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  • Posted

    I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.  Based on the information you have provided, I have some suggestions.  I too suffer from severe depression and what I am about to suggest are things I am currently doing to help me through my depression.

    First I do suggest you see a doctor.  A pyschiatrist can prescribe you medication to help you with your depression and, since many people who suffer from depression also have problems sleeping, he or she will prescribe medication for you to get better sleep.  You won't believe how not getting the right amount of sleep can make your depression even worse.

    Also, don't just see a psychiatrist but also see a psychologist or a therapist and use this person to vent out your problems. Sometimes talking to family members, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc will only push people away. Unfortunately many people don't want to hear other people's problems.  I have stopped talking to other people about my problems a long time ago. I now see a psychologist and I talk only to her about any problems, etc that is going on in my life.

    Some other things you can do is to exercise at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes a day. Exercise is a big stress reliever.  Also, eat healthy. Healthy foods can help you with your overall health. Get out early in the day to get sunlight.  Light is a great way for overcoming depression, winter blues, etc.  If you are not able to do this, there is light therapy.  Light therapy can help you with depression, not just seasonal depression, but overall depression. So many people don't get out enough to get the right amount of sunlight due to jobs, lack of time in their lives, etc. Light therapy can treat many disorders; including sleep disorders, anxiety, and more and you can use light therapy products all year round.

    If you implement just a few of these, you might start to feel better, but I do suggest you see a doctor and see a professional to help you vent out your problems.

    Hope this helps...

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