Feeling hopeless + bad thoughts. (TW)

Posted , 2 users are following.

I already made a post on here, and on multiple forums about my situation (showing symtoms of GAD but being unable to get help) But things just got worse. I recently used the Crisis Text Line for advice and the people I spoke to gave me phone numbers. But the problem is, I cannot call them because they'll appear on the phone bill. I cannot go to a therapist because my mom refuses to take me to one. She even refuses to let me go to my school counselor. Last time I went to my school counselor, I was in 8th grade. I was discussing my intrusive thoughts to the counselor and he ended up telling my mom. My mom was angry and said if i go to the counselor again, she will take my phone. She'll take my phone and I'll never get it back, losing all forms of communication with everyone.

Last night while I was talking to the crisis counselor on the crisis text like I mentioned how I got thoughts about suicide. (I was retelling a shortened but detailed version of what I posted on mental health forums) If you read my post I made on the, Living With Mental Illness on the PsychForums website, I mentioned them. But they didn't come when I was going through stress, it happened when I was on my way to New York City 2 days before school started. It was a fun trip, but I was scared because of a thought I got. I was listening to the song Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and since I'm an aspiring animator, I imagine little music videos to songs I listen to. So I was imagining a music video thing for Born to run. One of the lines in the song is "suicide machines". I imagined a close up of Bruce Springsteen's eye and in the reflection of his eye would be weapons like guns, tanks, and a noose. Then after seeing that I started to imagine myself being hung from the noose. I got nervous and panicked but I didn't let it mull over in my head until school started. I am now a high school freshman.

On the first day of school I saw that a kid I had a crush on last year, who pretended I didn't exist after I gave him a plush and Japanese candy on Valentine's Day weekend, is in my global studies class. I was freaking out and imagined myself texting my friend "I'm gonna kill myself *kids name* is in my global class" and I thought that as a joke, it was self depreciation. Then for some reason I got a tingly feeling and then I started to feel like I was being serious. After that I kept thinking about harming myself. One example was walking up the flights of stairs in the high school. I imagined throwing myself off of it. But I didn't do it. After I started thinking like that whenever a teacher or person mentioned the future I would think "I'll be dead in the future". This happened when Bella, my dog got hurt so more stress was piled onto me.

I should also mention that my anxiety was so bad I ended up having an identity crisis. And after that I've had feelings of dysphoria and then I'd think about harming myself and that i would be happy if I died. One thought I got when I was trying to figure out my identity was that i was feeling gendervoid, but I'll only feel comfortable if I literally am a void, alluding to suicide. When my anxiety manifested I wasn't suicidal, but I remember one day in the winter time I felt really bad. I randomly thought that I would be better off dead. I felt terrible for the rest of the day after thinking that because I was scared to tell someone, whether it was my QPP or my friends. I did tell my QPP though and that was it.

The crisis counselor asked if I had any planned method of suicide and I didn't know how to respond. They also asked if I considered myself suicidal but I didn't know how to answer that. When they asked if I had a planned method of suicide I mentally said "yes". I remember getting thoughts about planning a suicide date. And that I was going to hang myself. But if I can remember I would forget about those thoughts after being distracted from doing something in school. I've never harmed myself ever and I don't plan on doing so. I got urges but I never acted upon them. But what I'm scared is that I feel like when I had feelings of dysphoria I felt happy thinking about harming myself and killing myself. And that it was calming to me. I don't know. I get in a bad mindset all the time when I bring up the harmful thoughts I get when going to the forums sometimes and then all I can think about is self destructive and suicidal thoughts. And when I do I get this feeling around my lips. It feels like a smile but when I look in the mirror it's just a neutral look. I don't know what that means. Now I'm thinking of harmful/suicidal thoughts and feel happy for thinking those things. I tried to enjoy myself last night because I was spending time with my sisters but I still kept thinking about it. On social media, seeing self depreciative jokes about suicide made me uncomfortable but now when I look at them they make me happy. But I still get a slight feeling of unease. I didn't harm myself and I won't harm myself. I just don't know what's happening now. Am I suicidal? Depressed? Anxiety? The crisis counselor said it could be anxiety but after that I thought "I'm actually a suicidal person who is using anxiety as a cover" but I wasn't suicidal when my anxiety first manifested.

And I promise I won't harm myself. I'm able to distract myself from those thoughts.

Overall, I just feel helpless. I can't call a number because it'll be on my phone bill. I can't go to a support group because none of them are close by and you have to pay for them. I confide in my QPP regarding this but he's never dealt with someone, especially someone he is close to (me) who has a mental illness. So he gets overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to help. He wants to help but he doesn't know how. I feel like he isn't supportive even though he's trying so hard to be. He also has anger issues so he lashed out sometimes because the situation is overwhelming. I got no help at all from one of my close friends in real life, who is a senior at the high school I go to. She just dismissed it as "just intrusive thoughts" and I couldn't help but feel mad at her because she was of minimal help. I don't know what to do anymore. I have links for breathing exercises and self help guides but even I don't look at them when I need to. I don't have the energy or motivation to do so. Is it because I'm depressed too? i feel hopeless and I just want to get the help I need already.

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  • Posted

    Are you abused at home? This is all anonymous ..but its very disturbing your mother wants you to keep your mouth shut. So im assuming she is concerned for herself here. 

     

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    • Posted

      Theres nothing you can do. Your mother wont help you. You are not to allowed to seek help. Maybe the forum will help you or an app on anxiety and depression. Look around u tube for inspiring stuff in the topic. Go to the library online or in person and gets some books in the topic. Learn all you can and see what makes sense to you.

      I think this is sad and horrible for you. Personally sounds like neglect or ignorance. Im so sorry you have no support. Happily you will get older snd can begine to get yourself the help if needed.

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