Feeling hopeless + bad thoughts. (TW)

I already made a post on here, and on multiple forums about my situation (showing symtoms of GAD but being unable to get help) But things just got worse. I recently used the Crisis Text Line for advice and the people I spoke to gave me phone numbers. But the problem is, I cannot call them because they'll appear on the phone bill. I cannot go to a therapist because my mom refuses to take me to one. She even refuses to let me go to my school counselor. Last time I went to my school counselor, I was in 8th grade. I was discussing my intrusive thoughts to the counselor and he ended up telling my mom. My mom was angry and said if i go to the counselor again, she will take my phone. She'll take my phone and I'll never get it back, losing all forms of communication with everyone.

Last night while I was talking to the crisis counselor on the crisis text like I mentioned how I got thoughts about suicide. (I was retelling a shortened but detailed version of what I posted on mental health forums) If you read my post I made on the, Living With Mental Illness on the PsychForums website, I mentioned them. But they didn't come when I was going through stress, it happened when I was on my way to New York City 2 days before school started. It was a fun trip, but I was scared because of a thought I got. I was listening to the song Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen and since I'm an aspiring animator, I imagine little music videos to songs I listen to. So I was imagining a music video thing for Born to run. One of the lines in the song is "suicide machines". I imagined a close up of Bruce Springsteen's eye and in the reflection of his eye would be weapons like guns, tanks, and a noose. Then after seeing that I started to imagine myself being hung from the noose. I got nervous and panicked but I didn't let it mull over in my head until school started. I am now a high school freshman.

On the first day of school I saw that a kid I had a crush on last year, who pretended I didn't exist after I gave him a plush and Japanese candy on Valentine's Day weekend, is in my global studies class. I was freaking out and imagined myself texting my friend "I'm gonna kill myself *kids name* is in my global class" and I thought that as a joke, it was self depreciation. Then for some reason I got a tingly feeling and then I started to feel like I was being serious. After that I kept thinking about harming myself. One example was walking up the flights of stairs in the high school. I imagined throwing myself off of it. But I didn't do it. After I started thinking like that whenever a teacher or person mentioned the future I would think "I'll be dead in the future". This happened when Bella, my dog got hurt so more stress was piled onto me.

I should also mention that my anxiety was so bad I ended up having an identity crisis. And after that I've had feelings of dysphoria and then I'd think about harming myself and that i would be happy if I died. One thought I got when I was trying to figure out my identity was that i was feeling gendervoid, but I'll only feel comfortable if I literally am a void, alluding to suicide. When my anxiety manifested I wasn't suicidal, but I remember one day in the winter time I felt really bad. I randomly thought that I would be better off dead. I felt terrible for the rest of the day after thinking that because I was scared to tell someone, whether it was my QPP or my friends. I did tell my QPP though and that was it.

The crisis counselor asked if I had any planned method of suicide and I didn't know how to respond. They also asked if I considered myself suicidal but I didn't know how to answer that. When they asked if I had a planned method of suicide I mentally said "yes". I remember getting thoughts about planning a suicide date. And that I was going to hang myself. But if I can remember I would forget about those thoughts after being distracted from doing something in school. I've never harmed myself ever and I don't plan on doing so. I got urges but I never acted upon them. But what I'm scared is that I feel like when I had feelings of dysphoria I felt happy thinking about harming myself and killing myself. And that it was calming to me. I don't know. I get in a bad mindset all the time when I bring up the harmful thoughts I get when going to the forums sometimes and then all I can think about is self destructive and suicidal thoughts. And when I do I get this feeling around my lips. It feels like a smile but when I look in the mirror it's just a neutral look. I don't know what that means. Now I'm thinking of harmful/suicidal thoughts and feel happy for thinking those things. I tried to enjoy myself last night because I was spending time with my sisters but I still kept thinking about it. On social media, seeing self depreciative jokes about suicide made me uncomfortable but now when I look at them they make me happy. But I still get a slight feeling of unease. I didn't harm myself and I won't harm myself. I just don't know what's happening now. Am I suicidal? Depressed? Anxiety? The crisis counselor said it could be anxiety but after that I thought "I'm actually a suicidal person who is using anxiety as a cover" but I wasn't suicidal when my anxiety first manifested.

And I promise I won't harm myself. I'm able to distract myself from those thoughts.

Overall, I just feel helpless. I can't call a number because it'll be on my phone bill. I can't go to a support group because none of them are close by and you have to pay for them. I confide in my QPP regarding this but he's never dealt with someone, especially someone he is close to (me) who has a mental illness. So he gets overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to help. He wants to help but he doesn't know how. I feel like he isn't supportive even though he's trying so hard to be. He also has anger issues so he lashed out sometimes because the situation is overwhelming. I got no help at all from one of my close friends in real life, who is a senior at the high school I go to. She just dismissed it as "just intrusive thoughts" and I couldn't help but feel mad at her because she was of minimal help. I don't know what to do anymore. I have links for breathing exercises and self help guides but even I don't look at them when I need to. I don't have the energy or motivation to do so. Is it because I'm depressed too? i feel hopeless and I just want to get the help I need already.

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