Posted , 11 users are following.
I lost the number for the crisis team and dont know the name of the team I was under. I tried samaritans but it doesn't work because they dont offer any advice. too scared to go to a&e because last time was traumatic waiting there for 12 hours whilst being verbally abused/threatened by other patients. My gp is closed until tomorrow. All my flatmates are away for the next week and I just started on quetiapine/mirtazipine and am still adjusting to it. Emotions are all over the place and I feel so alone with no one to turn to. Last night i wrote a suicide note and i have a plan about what i will do and am scared that i will do it impulsively once i get the courage. I really don't feel I can keep myself safe but am worried that I wont be taken seriously now I've been labelled as bpd. They will just think im attention seeking. Thats not my own view but I've worked in mental health and have too much of an insight into their attitude towards people with bpd, andive heard what they say behind peoples back.
1 like, 25 replies
jim48507 absjbs
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absjbs jim48507
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People said to stay alive things will get better. Its all out in the open now they said and things will get better. But after a couple of weeks everythings pushed under the rug again and im back lying about how I feel and pretending to be okay because everyone else has stuff going on and I don't want to burden them.
I know they'd care and they'd be upset if I killed myself but at this point in the long haul me being alive isn't fair on them. And it isnt fair in me to have to stay alive even though nothing gets easier. Lqst time I was in hospital they said this is the start of your recovery you will get the help you need now. It was lies. Nothing has changed and im recieving no more help than before. The mental health services are too ovrrstretched to deal with me and there are other people who deserve help more than me. So the only option I see now is death. And once I get over my fear I will do it.
I'm sorry for the rant but I have to vent my thoughts somewhere
hypercat jim48507
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Try it please as it does work. Bev x
absjbs
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absjbs
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caroleUJ62 absjbs
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You can feel different. I have been suicidal alot recently and in a unit and under the care of the home treatment crisis team. I've just been discharged in agreement with them and me, as I think - I know I'm getting better. It might not last, but its a matter of coming to terms with problems you just couldnt face, and need to adapt to. In case some real and unpleasant but not dangerous physical health problems.
Actually my experience of the mental health professionals is that they really do care and do everything they can to help.
hypercat absjbs
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There is only so much anyone can do though either friends or professionals so I don't know what else I can say to you.
The only other thing I thought of is you saying you are waiting for your life to begin. If you think like that you will wait forever. You have to start making changes in your life before it can get better.
Look I have been depressed all my life and have sought therapy and been on meds and am still on them. I hit rock bottom in my late 20's and decided I had a choice - I could either kill myself and get it over with, or I could give myself a chance to live a life I could deal with and at least find contentment if not happiness. I had nothing to lose after all so started making small changes in my life. After a while all the small changes made bigger ones and before you know it I was feeling quite a lot better. My life wasn't and isn't perfect now and I had to sacrifice a lot to continue with my life but I did. Mostly I am glad. Not all the time but mainly and that is good enough for me.
I hope you can do this too. Bev x
chris14174 absjbs
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absjbs
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Has anyone on here been diagnosed with bpd? Although im not 100% sure I agree that I have it but I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to manage the overwhelming emotions? Would be great to hear a positive story that would give me a bit of hope.
Thanks
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absjbs
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hypercat absjbs
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I am glad you are staying with us and that we are able to help in some small way.
It's great to be able to talk to others who understand isn't it? You are not alone any more.
Bev x
Digsby absjbs
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Well done for hanging in there and taking one step at a time. There's nothing wrong with putting your life on pause when it gets too much to cope with. Don't let anyone else pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. During depression, it seems easier to feel hurt by those closest to us as they are the ones we most depend on for support. It's ok to wear your mask and pretend things are ok as they are the ones who can't cope and are unable to offer you the help that you need and deserve. But don't give up on everyone just yet. I find i can share some things with friends and family, but just what I think they can cope with. I've only ever been able to tell my psychotherapist about my suicide note. Choose the people who you feel you can be honest with, and don't bother with anyone who has let you down (until they prove they can be trusted again). Please try to be more gentle with yourself. You are not a burden - you are a strong, sensitive and special person. One of a kind :-)
Sounds like you have a lot of experience of mental health as a service giver so you have a lot of preconceptions and inside knowledge. This isn't always helpful as you are judging yourself too critically and comparing yourself with other "cases" you have known. You are not a statistic or just another "case". Yes, the health service is stretched and many of us wait far too long to receive the help that we need, but in the meantime we can help ourselves and kickstart our own recovery. This process may not be a straightforward easy road so don't give up if the journey hits some bumps along the way. Is there anything you can focus your energy on that would relieve the stress/boredom/tension? Don't laugh but I have been channelling my inner baker and been making cakes, etc. I have also been making the most of the good weather and getting out more (tho I still have the stay inside days - that's ok - I allow myself to do as much or as little as I have energy for as long as I'm achieving something, however little, each day). I have done some voluntary work in the past to help my self-confidence. It can really help to focus on the needs of someone else and making a difference in their lives. This can put your own needs into perspective and allow you permission to meet those needs because we are all equally entitled to this.
Sending you all best wishes and hoping to hear from you soon. Stay strong buddy :-)
Digsby
hypercat Digsby
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absjbs
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I didn't tell anyone about the overdose because I felt too ashamed. I've felt really anxious over the last week and haven't left the house. I also have noticrd that I get no pleasure from anything anymore..I hate socialising with my flatmates because it's so forced on my side. I applied for some volunteering jobs today but just know I'll bottle it and not turn up. I'm stuck in between needing a sense of purpose but then avoiding things that would give me a sense of purpose, or not enjoying anything when I do it.
very frustrating having no motivation to do anything because I know it wont give me enjoyment. But then doing nothing isnt helping either! But I will make an effort to do some volunteering in the hope that it does give me some satisfaction by helping others
elouise absjbs
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We have to be strong for those around us and we must keep trying and live for the good days but it's so hard, I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone even though it can seem that way.
How are you feeling this morning?
Much love xxx
absjbs elouise
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So I know exactly how you feel and its not a nice place to be! But I think you just have to take it day by day and not think about the future and how you think it will never get better because you're only torturing yourself and you dont deserve that! Now if only I could take my own advice!!
im 21 and have always been anxious from when I was a kid I used to go outside when my dad was cooking incase it set on fire, sleep with a knife under my pillow incase I got kidnapped, worry about the electric appliances setting on fire! But only since I moved away to uni in the last few years have I felt suicidal, and its because I worry so much that no one likes me and im boring etc, also that I will never be good enough to get a job and live like a normal person. And now I just feel depressed because ive cut myself off from so many people and have stopped working because it got so bad.
What about you? How old are you and has this been going on for long?
Hope your okay and feel free to rant to me because sometimes thats all you need
elouise absjbs
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The only option is to keep going and never give up hope. I'm 43 now and have a daughter a couple of yrs younger than you. When I was about your age I felt like u do now and nearly gave in but I didn't. I have had some amazing years and for that I am so grateful. The fact that I feel like this now is soul destroying but I still Had those yrs and two amazing kids, lots of fun and laughter and I hope to get that back. I know it's there somewhere!
At your age I felt like you said u do, boring etc but I slowly grew in confidence and things improved. I've always sort of felt different and not as good as other people which can be debilitating but u can still function. You have done amazingly well to go to uni with it problems. What are u studying? And where are u? Xxxx
absjbs elouise
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Im studying occupational therapy which I do really enjoy but my mood has always got in the way and ive missed a lot of lectures and had several attendance meetings because of it. Redoing third year in september but at least uni are finallu being supportive after my stay in hospital in march. What do you do? Have you been off work for long?
Xx
elouise absjbs
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It must be hard to be away from them when u feel like this. I really feel for you. I've been off for about 6 wks now and I can't imagine going back how I feel atm but I'm hopeful it will change. Time to think is horrendous when u feel like this. Do u feel it meds are working at all?
Xxx
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