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Fiancee has gone of sex due to menopause symptoms - not sure what to do?

Posted , 11 users are following.

david99999
david99999

Hi There

I am a 40 year old healthy male and i have been with my finacee for a year and a half, our 1st year was amazing and since the start of this year she started getting loads of illnesses and have supported her through these, our sex life was always problematic, i have a higher libido than her and it has always caused tension but we decided at the beginning of the year that scheduling it was the best option to relieve tension between us and it helped for a while but over the last few months she has been struggling with menopause symptoms and has been ill a lot and the times she has not been ill she is not in the mood, she has been having irregular periods and generally really distance with me, we have good communication and she has said to me that it is nothing personal and she still finds me attractive but her symptoms are making her agitated and uncomfortable and she has to put our sex life on the back burner until she gets these symptoms under control, she also suffers from depression and was on fluxetine for 15 years and this also did not help her libido but we went to the doctors together and it was decided she try coming off them which she did, she has been off them for 3 months now and has not had any depression come back apart from the odd down days, ever since she has come off them she has been different and emotionally distant, she says its not the depression but its the menopause symptoms, am trying really hard not to take it personally and she assures me its not me and she loves me very much and is still attracted to me and wants us to have a healthy sex life but she has put it on hold now indefinitely until she finds a solution, she recently has blood tests taken and they have highlighted she is in premenopause stage, she has the doctors next week to she what can be done and her symptoms can be quite bad and she is not sleeping very well. its been 2 months since we have had sex and am struggling with the lack of intimacy as its a struggle to even get a cuddle out of her or a kiss, i love her so much but am a very emotional person and am finding it very hard to deal with this, have even thought there was a deeper meaning to the lack of intimacy but she assures me there is not, am at my wits end, i have even got the point where i have contemplated leaving but that sounds selfish and unsupportive but we all have emotional needs and i have started feeling anxious all the time now and its getting worse, i bring it up all the time and she tells me she feels pressured, i know she is trying with the doctors to sort it out but am getting to the stage where i don't think things will ever be the same between us, any ideas what i should do, am i being to selfish and impatient?

1 like, 33 replies

33 Replies

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  • sharon1984
    sharon1984 david99999

    Posted

    David-It seems you like are trying to understand, otherwise you would not have taken the time to post!  

    Every woman's body is different but I will tell you 46 was the year that my symptoms really became strong.  From 46-50 were very, very diffcult years.  I was quite ill and had incredible demands on top of it (not one, but two elderly parents to care for and a teaching career).  My work suffered horribly and many, many days I could barely stand due to the symptoms and stress.  These years are often difficult for women. 

    Can't tell from the post whether your fiancee has had children but I did not and I do believe (there are always exceptions) that women who don't have children sometimes suffer a more difficult menopause.  (While women with children have to deal with unwanted pregnancy related symptoms and some peri too-women can't win smile  She may fall into the 10-15% of women who suffer with severe meno symptoms ,as my GYN informed me I was.  

    Has she tried any hormone therapy medication or maybe altering her diet to include more antioxidant foods, herbs and such?  I could not try the hormones due to breast cancer and blood clot risk in family.

    Believe it or not, the main thing that helps me is getting outside and taking a walk, doing an activity to get your mind off of those symptoms.  Then she might be more in the mood for intimacy later on.  It is contradictory, because you don't feel well (tired, achey) but if you push yourself it does help.  

    I think it is hard for men because many feel pretty good most of their life.  (My Dad never had a thing wrong with him until he was in his seventies-never even had the flu in his life, really). Women tend to live longer but I think we suffer more throughout our life with hormones and such.  

     Wishing you the best - continue to be understanding and together you will work through this.  smile 

     

    • michelle50768
      michelle50768 sharon1984

      Posted

      Hi Sharon

      Can I ask did your symptoms improve post meno if you are.

      I can so relate to your story. I've been in peri nine years since 40. Last few years symptoms have been severe. Suppose I would just like to know if things get better x

    • sharon1984
      sharon1984 michelle50768

      Posted

      Yes Michelle- turned 50 last February. Symptoms can still be strong sometimes but they seem to occur less often than before-less frequency.

       Right now I am still struggling with anxiety and sleepless nights but it is not so much from peri but more from worry because I still have two parents to care for and little help. It seems like it always something.

      Sorry you have to struggle too.  Mine became severe like I said after 45, but when I look back, all through my thirties I suffered with tough periods.  I think there is a correlation with difficult periods and difficult menopause- not fair but that is life.  And I think I may have had tough periods because I did not have children- not sure if this is true but could be a possibility?

      It might be to early to say since I just started the fifities but I think it will get better for you soon! The only thing I noticed now is that the aging is starting to set in- more wrinkles and body changes coming in which I never had before! After 50, I have for the first time realized that I am becoming more unattractive. sad   Probably because the hormones have changed but I will take it in exchange compared to how I felt before!     Best wishes for you smile 

    • michelle50768
      michelle50768 sharon1984

      Posted

      Thank you. I'm 49 only two periods the last eight months. Currently having one now and flooding and pain is awful. I suppose the fact that the periods are getting less means I'm more near to the end. I've got five children hun always suffered with my periods and suffering in peri so I'm guessing kids or no kids if your gonna suffer your gonna suffer.

      Thanks for replying I'm praying for it all to end soon x

    • sharon1984
      sharon1984 michelle50768

      Posted

      I think you are getting close to the end!  And thank you for the info about children- you made me feel better.  I had always blamed myself for that.

       If there is a link or cause, I think it may be genetic more than anything else.  My mother also did not have an easy menopause and she had three children (though it was not as strong a meno as mine but still bad enough). My sister- same thing-tough periods.

      I  knew one woman (and I think she might have had no kids) who never experienced a cramp in her life!  She said having her period was no different than any other day.  Oh my God, the pain,aches and fatigue I used to get-debilitating- a lot of Ibuprofen to get through the day. 

      I will pray for you and hang on smile 

    • michelle50768
      michelle50768 sharon1984

      Posted

      Awww thank you so much. I need all the prayer I can get. If you are interested I have set up another discussion called prayer for peri. If you type it in the search bar it should come up. I know your not peri but it's for menopause as well. So many wonderful ladies on there praying for each other x

  • beverley_c69016
    beverley_c69016 david99999

    Posted

    Hi david first of all I must say it sounds like you have been her rock.I myself am going through the same when I started menopause 6 month ago I lost every intrest my husband was very sportive and like yourself sometimes walked on egg shells to start with he was great but my sex drive never returned my moods got worse hubby started presure is me and I generally lost all feelings for him which I felt gulity about as I asked him to leave as I dreaded coming home cause he was there I did not want him near me the only time I felt happy was when I was at work or he was.my symptoms were and still are severe I am now on hrt and my feelings have still not returned.your wife is telling you she L9ve u and not to take it personel. If u were to leave your wife would feel worse.just be there for her. (I am crying writting this ) L9ve her.give her neck rub.foot rub.sit her down talk to her tell her ur not expecting sex from her and that u will wait as long as it takes.spoil her .if it's anything like me she will have 3 realy bad weeks and 2 or 3 good days.on them good days take her out for a picnic even if it rains fill up a flask of tea go for a drive.run her bubble baths and I bet she will start to feel better maybe it will take time and just love her like you are doing.don't make harsh choice you obv L9ve eachother so much.you both will get there xx

    • david99999
      david99999 beverley_c69016

      Posted

      Hi Beverley, I am trying my hardest to be there for her, we get on great in everything else, its just this issue, there has always been tension before the menopause because my libido is a lot higher but we have worked round it (ie i have calmed down a bit), she also has a 4 year old and dont get to go out much, (btw we dont live together), and i work full time, i stay at hers about 3 or 4 days out of the week and help her out as much as i can, its so difficult because i still have a lot of passion for her and am a very affectionate person and this is killing me, sometimes when am home and start overthinking everything i get really down and start crying and get to the point where i think it would be better to leave as there is now a lot of tension in the air, i try to be happy around her but inside am sad and she can sense that, i feel so alone, we have not been intimate for about 2 months, that might not sound like a lot but my anxiety over being isolated is getting worse to the point where it is effecting my work, am not getting much sleep and cant function, its only a mater of time before my health will be impacted, it already is to some degree, i know if i leave it will destroy her but at the same time the thought of this even lasting another couple of months let alone years terrifies me, i honestly dont think i could handle it, she is my soul mate though and we connect on so many levels, it just breaks my heart to think about leaving but if it continues i have to think of myself as well if its effecting me as well even though that might be selfish, to be honest i have put all my hope on hrt being the solution, if that doesnt work i dont know what will
    • DearDoe
      DearDoe david99999

      Posted

      It sounds like you mught have some issues that you need to work out on your own as to why you feel such a need for you gf to validate you through sex. If she is your soul mate, 2 months without sex should not be this upsetting to you.
    • david99999
      david99999 DearDoe

      Posted

      It is not just the sex, she has become emotionally distant since the start of the year, thats when we started scheduling it but aside from the sex thing, we never really even kiss or cuddle outside that, i think she has no emotional interest in intimacy any more, she says its not the case but its pretty obvious that it is
    • DearDoe
      DearDoe david99999

      Posted

      She is busy. She is busy trying to take care if herself and adjust to all the physical and.emotiinal.changes. its not about you right now. Ahe.has told you.tjat she loves you and that this isnt about you. If you are not mature or secure enough to deal with it, then move on. She certainly does not need you making things worse.

      I can hear that you are suffering and i am truly sorry for your pain. But you need to make a decision. I really would suggest that uou talk to a counselor whether you stay with her or not. I think they xould help you to better understand what yoi are going through.

    • david99999
      david99999 DearDoe

      Posted

      Am beginning to understand i need a way to deal with this on my own, i dont want to add to her problems but dont want to lose her either, i truly do want to be there to support her, The doctor has already refered me to counselling for my anxiety so hopefully this willl help me deal with my issues which i know i do have, despite how i am coming across on this forum i do truly love her and want this to work and realise alot of this is oout with her control, am such an impatient person which doesnt help matters and i get worked up really quick, hopfully talking too someone will help
    • DearDoe
      DearDoe david99999

      Posted

      That sounds like a great plan David. I hope a counselor can help you find the answers you need. Good luck, and let us know how you get on.
    • looloo43
      looloo43 david99999

      Posted

      Dear David. I do think you are really trying to help her. Maybe when the time feels right you could suggest going to see a specialist peri/meno or well woman gp or nurse at her local doc surgery with her to support her & help you understand. Many surgeries have these specialists now. She can discuss her symptoms & talk about possible hrt options to try in the first step to helping her get more control of her meno symptoms. She may love that you offer to come with her for support - she may not want you to - let her decide. she can weigh up all the info for herself, have a think & digest it all, then decide what route she wants to take. Just carry on loving her like you are doing nice things without her having to ask you, help her off your own back etc. & giving her space when you detect she needs it. It takes a proper man & real love to do this. Do go to your counselling - it may help you deal with your feelings which are valid because you love her & one of the ways you express that is physically. All the best to you both, Be strong for her.

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