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Fighting through the sludge of life

Posted , 8 users are following.

Tommie1958
Tommie1958

I'm 56 , well employed with a spouse at 2 years surviving ovarian ca. I now have a similar diagnsis, although I am diagnosed as terminal im my opinion. My problem is that I'm done, disconnected from life, and get up every day to support my wife. Her disease, even with good insurance, costs me about 33k per year out of pocket. I dont think I can manage both of us. I feel like I'm pretty done  in this life, but want my wife to make her own choices. Ending my own life takes away my insurance (life and medical), but it seems the best solution for me. I've basically disconnectd myself from everything else, as I can find no joy in myself or others, except my dog. I'm going on 1 year of being closed off to the rest of the world, and I truly think I need a solution that would best fit her, as she wants to carry on. For the last week, every day I ask myself the same question: is it today? I can handle pain for awhile. I have no religious issues (agnostic) I just want to go away without denying her the right to carry on. I'm part of a walking dead right now, seeing no options. I'm seriously looking for a solution that creates minimal disruption in her care, and allows me to fade off. I've spent 40 years providing care to others, and I cannot fathom walking down the road of this disease with a reasonable outcome. Any opinions or advice appreciated. Life no longer has joy, only pain and regret.

3 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • BN62285
    BN62285 Tommie1958

    Posted

    I don't know what to say Tommie1958 but I just wanted to say hello and that we're all here for you. I can't imagine what it feels like to be in your situation, or your wife's. I'm glad you still get some joy from life with your dog though. All I can say is that it sounds like your wife really wants you to be around and needs your support and it sounds like you want to be there for her too. It must be so hard for you but take comfort in how much those around you need you.
  • michael98615
    michael98615 Tommie1958

    Posted

    unsure if this is helpfull or not, but i myself am thinking of putting a proposal to d camaron, to allow euthanasia and the culling of voluntry suicidle ppl, i think it may hit off, n save the GB taxpayer money every year
  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 Tommie1958

    Posted

    Oh please don't have regrets, Tommie, I am sure you have done the very best you could do.  You sound to be a really wonderful person and it isn't fair that you have had all this to put up with.  My heart aches for you.

    I have no advice or clever words, I wish I had.  But I want you to know that there will be so many people on here who sympathise and who care.  Please talk to us rather than doing anything rash.

    I hope with all my heart that you find a solution, hopefully one that will allow you some years of peace and happiness, even if that seems impossible now.

    My thoughts are with you,

    Pat xx

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Tommie1958

    Posted

    Hello Tommie

    I seriously feel your pain, physical and emotional. 

    Since my husband of 28 years died of cancer I have carried on for my children (aged 15 & 18). 

    I have suffered with depression and Fibromyalgia for over 30 years and am sick to my stomach of never ending pain. I am barely able to provide for my children (I currently have 0 money in my bank account) and an empty petrol tank. 

    I have no friends, family no social life and feel old beyond my years. 

    It probably doesn't mean much but when I say I feel your pain I really do.

    Gentle hugs 

    Bluebell x

    • Tommie1958
      Tommie1958 Bluebell21

      Posted

      Thanks for your kind words Bluebelle. I've been holding this back in fear of how my friends and colleagues would react, nice to have a compassionate, non-judgemental ear. It was always someone else that was depressed for me, I've never understood it until recently. Makes you just want to crawl under the closest hiding place and hope everything stops. I hope you find your peace, seems like you have much to offer
    • Bluebell21
      Bluebell21 Tommie1958

      Posted

      You sound like such a kind caring person. Thank you for your kind words. 

      I am new to this site (I just joined at the weekend). 

      I don't think anyone can truly understand anything until they've been through the same thing. 

      To be honest I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. That way the pain would be gone. Having said that watching my children cope (or should I say not cope) with their fathers death aged 10 & 13 it breaks my heart every single day. 

      I have always struggled with life and been through so much. 

      It is lovely to read the support you are being given. I have only told you part of my story in the hope you would be able to see that I truly understand what you are going through. 

      I wish I could understand why life is so difficult for some whilst others breeze through it without a care. 

      I too hope you can find some peace and maybe some comfort from the people here who truly understand your plight xx

  • kenz43
    kenz43 Tommie1958

    Posted

    Tommie I am sorry that you and your family are going through such pain. While I do not know how you feel being diagnosed with a terminal illness as well as having a sick spouse, I can relate to the feeling of constant, unrelenting emotional turmoil. There is a battle within me everyday to get out of bad. The thought of taking my own life has become more and more appealing with each sunrise and sunset. My only worry is my cat. Who will love her the way that I do? It is painful to feel that you are all alone in this big world.

    You mentioned that you are agnostic so this may not be of great comfort to you but I can tell you that you and your wife are precious in Jehovah's eyes. There is a reason that we suffer the way we do now. One day (not in heaven) we will be free from the aches and pain of life. THAT is what comforts me. There is someone that cherishes me and thinks about me, little old me and wants me to do well. I am precious to someone and so are you. Hold on Tommie .... We're almost at the finish line.

    Peace and love.

    • michael98615
      michael98615 kenz43

      Posted

      i'm happy to giv my life back to Jehovah, i do not value this gift i have no more, i tried serving him, and am unable to do so, i'm not agnostic and i believe his day will come,

       

    • michael98615
      michael98615

      Posted

      no offence Kenz, i believe the finish line cud be well away, still a few prophosies to be fullfilled which is taking time, however i can clearly see the signs

       

    • kenz43
      kenz43 michael98615

      Posted

      I am so sorry to hear that you've given up Michael. I know that feeling all too well. I have also had difficulty always making the right decision when it comes to my worship to Jehovah. However, I am certain that he understands us and the debilitating effect that depression can have on our imperfect minds and bodies. I know that he is near to those of us that are broken hearted and crushed in spirit.

      Michael please make your feelings known to Jehovah. He has given me the strength today to make it till tomorrow.

      Oh! And no offense take. smile

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