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This, this is what it's like
It's a defining moment when you find out that all those thoughts, worries and battles that you've faced in your head for years aren't something that you should be thinking about on a day to day basis. From the age of say, 14/15 I've battled with my head about almost everything. From being extremely unhappy to fine and then back down again, it isn't easy and it isn't the way a 21-year should feel. Of course you have many ups and downs but you can snap out of it for the right person etc. right? Not everyone can and I can't I've always wondered why I felt so different from everyone else but again being different is good right? Well yes and no. Yes it's good to be different and not follow a crowd but when instead of following a crowd you go it alone and start to get isolated, things only get worse. To many or a few people who know me they will think that I've got plenty of friends, family and a job therefor I shouldn't have a worry on my mind at a young age. Of course I have friends but are they friends? Can I tell them about any and everything I think and feel? No. Can I randomly turn up at any of their doors just for a casual chat? Not really. I used to have loads of friends and people to speak to but now, that friend list has decreased massively. Family are always there of course but as well as being your strongest supporters family are always your biggest critics which makes it difficult to talk about certain things with them. When you're in a bad place you don't want a patronising 'cheer up' or 'get on with it', anybody saying that has, of course, got your best interests at heart but it makes you worse in all honesty. Keeping things bottled up and shutting people out has become second nature to me as a result so seeing friends and family isn't something I do as often anymore. I love my family and want to see them but trying to motivate yourself to go out and see people is much harder than you would realise. I've always had these thoughts but over the last year it's got much worse. I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to leave my room, I don't want to speak to anybody, I avoid conversations as much as possible, I don't foresee a successful future and I can't concentrate on anything. For the first time I've realised that I shouldn't be feeling this way and it wasn't 'normal' so I decided to see a doctor.
Depression is something which is stigmatised a lot and used as another word for 'sad' 'unhappiness' etc. but it isn't those things because happiness can change instantly, depression can't. The general impression of depression is that it only happens at certain stage of life, it doesn't it can happen at any age from a child to a pensioner, or that it's a sign of weakness and you're just not coping very well, or that because someone looks happy enough on the outside they must be fine. The last one is the hardest one for me because I've put up a front for years and nobody will ever have had any inclination of my state of mind. That front has become a bit non existent these days because I can no longer force smiles and laughs like I once could. I've always hated my work but I've generally always got on with the people in there and got on with the job. I got to a stage where I couldn't focus on what I was doing and what people were saying to me anymore and decided I wanted to move jobs thinking that was the cause so I, sort of, changed job. Moved to a different store doing nightshift, better pay, closer to me etc. but I can't do it anymore, can't face the thought of going in, seeing people or speaking with them. Since starting I've sat in the toilet on my breaks because I don't want to be involved in any conversations. Usually I'm a sociable person so I knew something was wrong with this as well. I've always loved running and playing football as well as watching it but I can't even do that anymore, I've just lost interest. Sleeping for days on end has become quite a regular thing for me too.
Why have I wrote this? I don't know and I'll no doubt get stick for it, probably even ignored by people who don't understant but I don't care because I can't hide anymore. I don't want or expect sympathy and I don't expect many people to understand because if I knew someone and found out something like this about them then I probably wouldn't have understood previously either. What I do want though is for people to realise that I don't make the choice to not want to go out all the time, to stay in all the time, to not speak to anyone or to shut people out, I can't help it. Of course I would rather be out enjoying myself but its not that easy. I've wrote this because I can't describe how I feel to people, in my head I know but saying it out loud just results in a rabble which doesn't really make sense. If I lose friends because they can't understand then so be it, they wouldn't be real friends anyway would they? There are so many tragic stories you hear of about people struggling to comprehend their issues and they go down a path of self destruct which usually leads to death. Drugs or excessive alcohol is the way a lot of people deal with it. For some suicide feels like an only option. If having depression is being weak then I guess I'm weak then eh? Speaking up is a relief for me and will go a long way to ensuring that none of the above come into consideration for me. Your Demons can break you but how you deal with it can make you.
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