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Figuring out what's up

Posted , 3 users are following.

cjb1993
cjb1993

This, this is what it's like

It's a defining moment when you find out that all those thoughts, worries and battles that you've faced in your head for years aren't something that you should be thinking about on a day to day basis. From the age of say, 14/15 I've battled with my head about almost everything. From being extremely unhappy to fine and then back down again, it isn't easy and it isn't the way a 21-year should feel. Of course you have many ups and downs but you can snap out of it for the right person etc. right? Not everyone can and I can't I've always wondered why I felt so different from everyone else but again being different is good right? Well yes and no. Yes it's good to be different and not follow a crowd but when instead of following a crowd you go it alone and start to get isolated, things only get worse. To many or a few people who know me they will think that I've got plenty of friends, family and a job therefor I shouldn't have a worry on my mind at a young age. Of course I have friends but are they friends? Can I tell them about any and everything I think and feel? No. Can I randomly turn up at any of their doors just for a casual chat? Not really. I used to have loads of friends and people to speak to but now, that friend list has decreased massively. Family are always there of course but as well as being your strongest supporters family are always your biggest critics which makes it difficult to talk about certain things with them. When you're in a bad place you don't want a patronising 'cheer up' or 'get on with it', anybody saying that has, of course, got your best interests at heart but it makes you worse in all honesty. Keeping things bottled up and shutting people out has become second nature to me as a result so seeing friends and family isn't something I do as often anymore. I love my family and want to see them but trying to motivate yourself to go out and see people is much harder than you would realise. I've always had these thoughts but over the last year it's got much worse. I don't want to see anybody, I don't want to leave my room, I don't want to speak to anybody, I avoid conversations as much as possible, I don't foresee a successful future and I can't concentrate on anything. For the first time I've realised that I shouldn't be feeling this way and it wasn't 'normal' so I decided to see a doctor.

Depression is something which is stigmatised a lot and used as another word for 'sad' 'unhappiness' etc. but it isn't those things because happiness can change instantly, depression can't. The general impression of depression is that it only happens at certain stage of life, it doesn't it can happen at any age from a child to a pensioner, or that it's a sign of weakness and you're just not coping very well, or that because someone looks happy enough on the outside they must be fine. The last one is the hardest one for me because I've put up a front for years and nobody will ever have had any inclination of my state of mind. That front has become a bit non existent these days because I can no longer force smiles and laughs like I once could. I've always hated my work but I've generally always got on with the people in there and got on with the job. I got to a stage where I couldn't focus on what I was doing and what people were saying to me anymore and decided I wanted to move jobs thinking that was the cause so I, sort of, changed job. Moved to a different store doing nightshift, better pay, closer to me etc. but I can't do it anymore, can't face the thought of going in, seeing people or speaking with them. Since starting I've sat in the toilet on my breaks because I don't want to be involved in any conversations. Usually I'm a sociable person so I knew something was wrong with this as well. I've always loved running and playing football as well as watching it but I can't even do that anymore, I've just lost interest. Sleeping for days on end has become quite a regular thing for me too.

Why have I wrote this? I don't know and I'll no doubt get stick for it, probably even ignored by people who don't understant but I don't care because I can't hide anymore. I don't want or expect sympathy and I don't expect many people to understand because if I knew someone and found out something like this about them then I probably wouldn't have understood previously either. What I do want though is for people to realise that I don't make the choice to not want to go out all the time, to stay in all the time, to not speak to anyone or to shut people out, I can't help it. Of course I would rather be out enjoying myself but its not that easy. I've wrote this because I can't describe how I feel to people, in my head I know but saying it out loud just results in a rabble which doesn't really make sense. If I lose friends because they can't understand then so be it, they wouldn't be real friends anyway would they? There are so many tragic stories you hear of about people struggling to comprehend their issues and they go down a path of self destruct which usually leads to death. Drugs or excessive alcohol is the way a lot of people deal with it. For some suicide feels like an only option. If having depression is being weak then I guess I'm weak then eh? Speaking up is a relief for me and will go a long way to ensuring that none of the above come into consideration for me. Your Demons can break you but how you deal with it can make you.

3 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • hypercat
    hypercat cjb1993

    Posted

    Hi cjb on reading your post I thought how mature and sensible you seemed and I find it hard to believe you are only 21.   I was nowhere near that perceptive or self aware at your age.  You sound very intelligent and really understand the issues.  

    Your last sentence is especially true - many people turn to drugs or alcohol to cope which is a mugs game.   But it's how you deal with it that defines you as a person and is very character building.    You are not weak - depression is an illness just like any other and needs treatment.  Have you been to the doctors and are you on any meds or doing counselling?  If not then I think you should go as there is help available.   

    You sound like a strong person and I think you will do well in life and get most of what you want.   I do understand exactly what you are talking about as we all do on here and we all put on 'faces' for others which is exhausting isn't it?  Stay with us here and we will do our best to support and understand you coz we all understand. I bet you feel better now you have got all that out don't you?  

    bev x  

    • cjb1993
      cjb1993 hypercat

      Posted

      Thank you Bev i always have been way more mature than my age would suggest, it's a blessing and a curse. I'm not going to say that i didn't try the drink/drug route but it was maybe for a couple of weeks and I'm not there anymore, at all. I have tried medication but it's just not for me. I didn't like the side effects and i don't want to be reliant on medication.

      I actually wrote all that down about 3 months ago when i was at my absolute worst. I didn't really feel upto sharing it at the time though. I'm feeling a lot better now but that's only at certain points.. When I'm not in the house myself or when I'm out at the weekend which I've started doing a lot more of, going out and enjoying myself, basically when I'm in the house alone it all gones back so i try to avoid being in the house alone at all times.

      One big thing is a stumbling block though and that is work. I couldn't take anymore of the place(ASDA) and i think that the job is one of the root causes for me. I was basically off for 4 months there, i went back after 2 months for 1 day and couldn't deal with it and then a month or so later i went back for a week before it took it out of me again. So as of last week I've resigned. That means that I'm unable to seek help from the job centre though because I've quit my job through choice, that's how they see it anyway. Thanks again for your kind words Bev.

  • hypercat
    hypercat cjb1993

    Posted

    Hi been there done that.  What you do is go to the doctors and tell them how you are feeling and the situation you are in and ask them for a sick note.  Even if you only get one for a few weeks or a month you will get benefit then.   So ring up and put a claim in for ESA (sickness benefit).   When it runs out and you feel fit to look for work again go and sign back on to JSA and you will get benefit.  

    Leaving your job for sickness reasons is different from resigning because you don't like the job.  Ok?  

    Bev x 

    • cjb1993
      cjb1993 hypercat

      Posted

      Thanks again. I'd actually been applying for jobs and getting interviews over the past few weeks and I've managed to get a new job. Such a relief! Hopefully all goes well with it. I don't start for 2 weeks though. Today seems to be one of those down days after reading an article about an 8-year old boy being adopted by his stepdad because both his mum and dad have commited suicide through depression and/or anxiety. It just seems so unbearable to leave such an innocent young boy at such an early age, both parents obviously just couldn't cope in this world we live in.

      Society has come a long, long way with regards to Racism and Gay culture, maybe it's time for mental health problems to be understood. Perhaps if a bit more sympathy or acceptance was shown towards people with depression and such things would be that little bit more bearable.

  • keni
    keni cjb1993

    Posted

    Just saw your post and let me tell you, I've been there EXACTLY where you are or were when you wrote the post. It'shell I know. What I did after seeing some useles psychiatrists who work for the local mentall health group was to seek out a private psychiatrist. I called him and he was round to my house the same day. All he charged was about £140 for the 1.5 odd hours he spent with me. His first questions were, how is my sleep?, (answer, intermittent, wake up a lot, often can't get back to sleep)....how is my appetite? (answer, nion existent, don't want to eat a thing) and do you feel nauseous? (answer, all the time). I explained that I'd had three lots of gen anaesthetic within a 12 month period and after the third had the depression, just like flicking a switch. He told me that about 1% of his patients have depression following gen anaesthesia and quickly diagnosed clinical depression and explained the difference between it and what people call depression, i.e. feeling down esp about something which has happened and which made them sad. Clinical depression, from what I gleaned from him, is a chemical imbalanece within the brain chemistry. This is what I have. You need to decide if you have this I suspect from what you say that you do, and if so seek good professional help. Where do you live? A county will do.
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