Finally admitted defeat - Two failed relationships this year & 1 huge promotion at work.

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Hi All - I am new to this, and I have been encouraged to talk and release my thoughts so here goes. Thank you to anyone who reads and advises.

I have had a farily bumpy year, starting off with being dumped by my ex girlfriend completely out of the blue. It knocked me for 6 and took me months to get over, or I thought I was over it! Then April came and I was offered a massive promotion at work in which came a huge pay rise and a huge amount of responsibility to match. This is where I believe my depresion stems from.

I am young, great job, i drive a nice car, i have a good stable family, i earn lots of money and would consider myself fairly good looking. Some people would be envious of my life. On the outside I have nothing to be 'depressed' about.

I recently went through my second break up. It wasn't really a breakup. A long distance fling with someone i used to work with. only lasted a few months but she pulled the plug claiming it was too long distance. Fair enough, i respect her decision. But it has hit me like a train. All my memories of my first break up have come flooding back. I don't even miss my first ex, just have the same feelings i had when we broke up and they are 10x worse! 

I have learnt that perhaps this most recent 'relationship' was just covering up how i really felt about life, and now it is over i am feeling the emotions of having such huge responsibility with work ( i manage 50+ people and cannot show emotion due to my position. i have to be seen to be the life and soul of the workplace who is always happy!)

I reluctantly went and saw my GP this week and he has prescribed me with Citalopram. Struggling at the moment with the side effects, mainly sleep and nauseua but am wondering how long the anxiety lasts? I can't stop thinking about what my ex is doing, who she is with? was i not good enough? was it the way i look? the way i act? its hurt my self confidence massivily and now think with my line of work, the chances of me meeting someone is slim. I work 70/80+ hours a week, can't have relationship with my staff and dont have the time to go out! I almost feel that i have done too much too soon with my career, but at the same time i have nothing to fall back on if i quit, and i do love my job (most of the time)

life sucks at the moment.

thank you in advance,

Joe

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  • Posted

    Hi Joe

    Sorry to hear about your relationships - it is a painful time, something a lot of us experience in life.

    You do have a lot happening at the moment and think you're becoming stressed - the result of which you start to overthink, become over emotional, become depressed and a whole host of other things.  Your body is working overtime to keep up with everything and you're beginning to suffer the consequences.  70 - 80 hours of work a week?  That's twice the normal hours anyone works, and though it might bring in a good career and money, its damaging your health.  All your feelings are being over exaggerated because your nerves are on heightened alert.

    Your body is telling you its becoming too much.  Please listen to it ...... once you cross that line and start getting anxiety and deeper depression you won't know what's hit you.  It creeps up without you realising it ..... until its too late.  There's a lovely man called David, who posts on here who became ill from work related stress and think its taken him 18 months - 2 years recovering.  If you're reading this David, maybe you could post here too.

    Joe, you seriously need to slow down.  No employer would make you work those ridiculous hours.

    The medication will help you get back on track.  It'll help you feel calmer and lift the depression - but it will take some weeks or months.  Just keep on with the medicine and it really will help.  Also think about taking time out for yourself - you need to make time for yourself.  Join a gym, burn off some of the excess adrenaline, start yoga and learn to let go.

    When you begin to start feeling better you won't feel emotional about your ex girlfriend and you'll feel happier and start to move on.

    The side effects often last a few weeks.  There's no escape from them really, so try and let them be there, they're temporary and will pass.  Its just your body adjusting to the meds.

    Please listen to your body ......... nothing ... absolutely nothing, is worth jeopardising your health for.  

    K xx

     

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    • Posted

      Hi Kate,

      thank you for your reply. It's comforting when people who don't know you nor have a personal opinion of me listens.

      a lot of my commitment to work stems from a failed football career. I almost made it professionally and had that dream taken away from me. I fell into my current industry really as a rebound, but because of the football I focused on this instead and made a vow to be successful in life. I guess I just need to find that balance. The excessive hours also doesn't help with 3 hours commuting everyday.

      im taking a week out of work this week and have relaxed. I've even booked a spa day for myself tomorrow 😂 

      Im just so determined to keep bettering myself and be top of whatever I do. I guess that is my downfall. 

      As as for the relationship side of things. Being dumped twice in a year has knocked my self confidence, suddenly I look in a mirror and don't seem as attractive as I was. I can only hope these feelings fade and I get back to myself 

      joe x

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  • Posted

    Great advice there KateC. Hey Joe i've been on this rollercoaster for a whole year. Finally I'm starting to feel better. These meds really do work if you let them. And you work too much. No job is worth youre health. Its nice to have money but not so nice when you don't enjoy spending it. Katecogs and Steve are very knowledgeable with Cit. Take their advice and you will feel better. I know they helped me and a whole lot of other ppl in here. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER eventually!!!!!!!!

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply John - being on a roller coaster is a good way to look at it. I'm sorta at the upside down twirly bit at the moment. I've decided that I'm going to take some time out of the dating world for a bit. I'm in the process of rekindling with some friends so will focus my time on them as well as getting myself healthy again. Glad you're on the mend 👍

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  • Posted

    Morning Joe,

    Every one of us is searching for something and you won't know it until you have found it.  As you are asking some questions of yourself, albeit in a forum situation, I'd recommend you take some time to re-evaluate your life.

    Mental illness is on the increase and no, I am not talking of what we all percieve as mental illness, but the other, unatural one caused by society caused by the system we are lead to believe is the master we should serve.

    I came here with work related stress 21 months ago, I am currently on 40mg Cita and say currently as now I feel a better person, who has moved on I would like to reduce the dosage to nil or a low figure at least.  Firstly, I allowed the time for me to be ill, secondly I changed my llifestyle, thirdly I took some of the great advice here and lastly and more importantly I removed myself from that which was making me ill - work.

    Now, I have just taken up a part-time job to help with finances, even though we are in a better place than when I was working.  It doesn't cost to live a better, healthier life!

    So take this time to look at yer self and ask what will become of me in another decade or two or three and will it have been worth it?

    Regards,

    David  

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    • Posted

      Hi David, thanks for the advice. 

      My stress hinges on work but also the relationship side of things. Being part of two failed relationships this year has hurt a huge amount and I guess in some ways I've used work to cover it up. 

      Ive taken this week off and have relaxed and taken time away from everything including social media etc. A chance to reflect on life and where it's taking me. I will be more careful with my work but I am under no illusions that I need to cement my career, I just need to do it in a different way to being a yes man who will do anything at any time. 

      Relationships will be on the back burner for now, I was doing well prior to my last relationship and was happy in myself with being by myself. I need to get that back and spend some time focussing on me and how I can improve.

      im back in the gym and have booked some personal training sessions to get myself back into shape. This should also boost self confidence and make me feel healthier.

      thanks again for the advice 

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  • Posted

    Joe,

    You must try and think of the positives, there are lots of good audio books that will help train your mind.

    As for 80 Hour weeks, no wonder your stressed and depressed, that's crazy amount of time to be in work, and with a 3 hour comute, somethings gotta give and it looks like your body is saying no.

    What line of business are you in and how old are you ?

    Re the relationships, yes break ups are heard, we all go through them, but if that person doesn't want to be withyou, for who you are then you're better off without them.

    Good luck with the fight.

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    • Posted

      Hi Joe - thanks for the reply.

      thing is I feel ok when I'm at work, i actually quite enjoy the commute because it gives me a chance to reflect and gather my thoughts. I just think this failed relationship has triggered everything to come tumbling down at once. The realisation has hit me that I have a huge amount of responsibility.

      ive just turned 25 and work for a large retailer as a store manager. I'm the youngest by around 10 years and all of my management team are older than me. I'm ahead of my time for sure. 

      I know I will be ok over time, just hurts that all of my friends are settled in happy long term relationships whilst I am still trying to find that person

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  • Posted

    Hi Joe,

    You know, your story is the epitome of how western (materialistic, stressful, judgmental, high speed, hierachical) life is failing. We are all conditioned by our parents, peers, society, tv, papers, media etc to "work", spend our money, go for "promotion", climb that ladder, buy the nice car, buy the latest phone, get into debt etc etc. Unfortunately, many of us only realise how unhappy, stressed and lonely we are when we end up having a breakdown, major depressive episode. When you are working those sorts of hours, with a commute that long, with that level of responsibilty, it's highly likely the stress that goes with that is going to have a detrimental effect on your health. Sadly it takes a breakdown to make you see things differently. It's often after a breakdown many people have a spritual awakening. Seeing what in life is really important. Obvisouly breaking up with somebody is hard and hurtful, and as you say difficult to come to terms with when you are not expecting it to happen. Is there a way you can take some unpaid leave? You may need a few months to get through the side effects, tiredness, poor sleep, depression, anxiety etc etc etc Then return to work on a sustainable hours week? Around 35 hours max. Once you start feeling better again, you will be able to handle the break ups better. The worst thing about being depressed or stressed is, it make you over think, over dwell on things. It is really difficult to break the cycle, that's where the drugs can help initially to break that pattern.

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    • Posted

      Hi Citaloman, thanks for your reply. Some valid points in there.

      ive just taken 10 days away from work and out of the limelight, and it has made me realise that I'm doing too much. I normally leave for work at 5:30 and get home around 7/8 most nights, and carry on working when I get in until I go to bed. Evidently that isn't sustainable and something had to give. 

      I think a large factor in why I've crashed is the realisation that I don't have many hobbies anymore. I don't really go out much, I don't really watch tv and I don't have many interests. As a 25 year old that isn't right. It's certainly difficult when it comes to meeting people, it kinda fizzles out when we get past the 'what do you do for a living' part. 

      in reality, the relationship was never going to be sustainable. She lives almost 200 miles away and despite her family living down here we couldn't meet up consistently. Once every 3 or 4 weeks wasn't a proper relationship. It just hurt to know that she initiated it. In hindsight I guess I used to relationship as a cover up and distraction of how I was really feeling with life. 

      I have pushed friends away which I now realise. I have reached out to them this past week and socialised which has helped. I've also been back in the gym and have set myself some goals for the coming weeks, which means I need to leave work at a sensible time. 

      The overthinking and and dwelling is the worst feeling and I'm hoping it's the drugs making it worse in the short term? I'm in a low place but I have woken up to the realisation that my life isn't as rosy as it seems. 

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