Finally off citlopram

I've been on citlopram for two years. Started on 20mg then onto 40mg.

I suffered from depression for ten years alone.

I was always angry, I would snap at anything, always p****d off with people, I was a pity party. Always randomly crying alone, anxiety, flight fight experience, over thinking and processing, not sleeping then some days didn't want to leave my bed and just hope the ground would swallow me whole, pushing loved ones away, why me scenario, seeing people who I went to school with, they had the job the car the house etc, made me feel worse.

When I first started citlopram, days started to feel like days again, I could feel them working, the front of my brain felt different, I felt awake. I could see again, I felt happy.

Sure I had the usual symptoms of heart racing and stuff then body got use to them. It's normal.

Recently I've decided to stop drinking. I wasn't drinking alot, I've been dry for 6 months and don't intend to go back to drink. I don't need it to fit in or unwind or be sociable or to get Dutch courage.

I've always been a bright kid, well so my family say. A family full of academics and professionals.

I joined the army almost ten years ago to hide my problems. To feel accepted, to hide my insecurities, look normal etc I left after five years. Going in and out of jobs, doing stupid jobs, feeling un-forfilled in life. Cleaning toilets wasn't for me. I had security licenses, gained an aviation fire fighting qualification through the military, I knew how to work in an office, but never felt happy.

But now I'm doing stuff for me, I'm confident again, Ive went back to college to gain a degree in law, I love speaking in public, i volunteer for Marie curie. I do stuff that make me happy. Live for the day type. But trust me, we all have our days that just say, f**k you leave me alone, it's normal. That's life.

I don't think off the past anymore because I can't live there and constantly processing my wrongs and rights.

Well ive went cold turkey. Felt a bit dizzy etc, haven't had depressing thoughts, I feel normal again. I feel me again. These tablets helped. I did have episodes of up and down with them. But I feel Ive got my sense of gravity back with life because of citlopram. I gained weight with them, people said they lost weight on them, trust me, I was the opposite. I'd go to the gym and run for an hour on treadmill and do weights and do sauna or steam room and swim. Nothing shook my b***h tits lol but now that I'm off I honestly feel a difference.

Listen....

It's ok to change it's ok to get help, it's ok to say, f**k it, it's not me, I need help, don't get me wrong, I had GPs not wanting to act, I'd felt suicidal, always thinking of my death and funeral. Assuming I had heart problems but it was just anxiety. But Im now here in the end. Feeling I have a purpose in life.

Anywho. If anyone needs advice. Talk to me.

"It's better to have died on your feet rather to have lived on your knees"

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