Find myself slipping back into old ways of trying to cope on my own.

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling bad again Sunset. I can't give you advice as I too am having a relapse at the moment. Do you not have a local Mental Team who could join in a group of people with similar problems. I am joining one in April so I will see if this helps. I really sorry to hear you are down as you have been such a help for me.

Sorry that should have said Mental Health Team.

I see a lady from the mental health team once a month at my doctors, but that's all I have been offered from them. She referred me for counselling aswell but my gp had already done that anyway. I'm currently waiting for one to one counselling because I wasn't keen on going to a group session.

Hi Sunset. I have only recently joined the forum, so don't know your history. I am a guy who has probably had depression for quite a long time & did nothing about it. My mother was in mental homes off & on due to depression & I guess I thought I didn't want to be put in one myself, so like you, I kept it all to myself. My wife & I separated 10 years ago & it totally wiped me out. I was given some sort of anti-depressant but never took them, I wanted to sort it out myself. In a way I did. I owned up to my many mistakes that partly caused the split. 18 months ago I was experiencing feelings of incredible anxiety over nothing. My stomach would churn if I saw someone coming to the door. I would hide so I didn't have to answer it. I got caller I.D. on the phone, but I would almost jump off my chair when it rang. I was a nervous wreck. I felt so low. I thought about ending it all a few times, stand at the top of the stars. All you have to do is fall headfirst & not try to cushion it. I resisted. I was persuaded to see my GP & tell him, but I left out the bit about the stairs. He put me on Citalopram. 10mg for a month, then 20 & I am now on 40. It took a while for me to notice any improvement as I have a number of other physical ailments, including osteo arthritis. As you probably know, it's hard to remain upbeat when in almost constant pain. As others have said, I don't have a definitive answer for you, we are all different, but you are certainly not an unusual case, so to speak & you are certainly not alone.

Please feel free to PM if you need to talk. Always ready to listen. Take care.

Hi Lee, thankyou for your reply.

I been suffering from depression and anxiety since october last year, and got persuaded to talk to a doctor, so been receiving treatment since november. First I was tried on citalopram but after 8 weeks got changed to mirtazapine because I was suffering bad insomnia aswell and doctors thought it would help improve my sleep, which it did. Been taking 30mg mirtazapine for about 2 months now.

I did the same as you I didn't go out for weeks other than to doctors appointments, I stayed inside on my own all day, avoided seeing friends and avoided replying to their texts and calls. I avoided even just going outside into the garden so not to have to speak to neighbours.

Had some bad times too, wanting to end it all just because I couldn't take any more of it, but deep down I knew that I didn't want to. Took myself to A & E on one occasion because I felt it was all getting too much for me.

I am feeling a whole lot better than I have done previously, I feel for those who are still suffering greatly. But as I mentioned although I feel much better, I still get times when I feel very down. I used to feel that I was able to talk to my friends when I was feeling like that, but now I sort of feel like it's all been brushed under the carpet, I don't like to bring it up anymore when I'm feeling low because everyone's expecting me to be better by now and I just feel like I'm moaning, so I just keep it all to myself. I don't want for people to get fed up of me and to push them away so I just don't say anything now, and just pretend that I'm fine. Now I sort of feel like I'm going to end up going back to the beginning where trying to cope on my own caused so much stress, and worsened depression.

Thanks again for your kind support.

Ive just read your post . Im new to this site but your words struck such a chord . It always seems to me that Im accepted during my "better" times - everyone wants to be friends then but when I struggle to keep up the pretence and the mask inevitably begins to slip - you know the times when you really need the most support - people just walk away - they don't want to know .

Ive been trying to cope on my own but youre right it does make things so much more stressful and has worsened my depression .

I know this isn't really giving you any advice but maybe it just helps to know someone understands

Hi Justme64

Thankyou, yeah it's good to know someone knows how it feels, sorry that you are feeling that way too though.

Yeah I just find that nobody wants to bother talking when about if I'm feeling down or having problems, so when anyone asks how I am I just say that I've been fine. I don't like to bring it up anymore.

Hi, I'm also new to this site. Thought it was a good idea to join as i can see people are feeling the way i feel.

I've just turned 24 and have been suffering from depression and anxiety for 5 years now. It's so hard because the people around me don't understand. I've been seeing a therapist since October, and although she's great, it's not helping me the way i need it too. I still have more unhappy days than happy. I've also been signed off work and have been off for nearly 2 months, because my job is so stressful and my managers a bully, which of course doesn't help.

For the past 2 weeks i have kept a diary of how i am feeling each day and discovered a pattern. For 3 days i was happy and then 2 days i was sad. I wrote exactly how i felt each day and when i looked back on it today it was weird. Because today i was feeling sad i couldn't remember how i felt when i was happy. Has anyone else done this?

Its good to read other peoples stories, as none of us are alone and people do understand.

Hi Gabbi. I am newish here too. I have had 3 really good days on the run for the first time in many years. I woke up on the first morning having slept well, & I could hardly believe it. Is this how "normal" people feel in the morning? I was waiting all day for it to collapse on me. The only problem is that I then do things I wouldn't normally have the mental energy to do & my knees & back go on me Can't win.

Hi gabriella,

I'm also 24, although this is the first time i have ever suffered from depression and anxiety, so it is all quite new to me. From it starting it took me a while before I was actually convinced that I needed to seek help. I couldn't really accept that i had depression because i didn't know what it was and didn't really know anything about it, i'd never thought about depression before. It took someone else to point out that it sounded like depression and to suggest talking to a doctor.

That's a good idea about writing a diary about each day and how you feel. It is difficult to remember times you feel happy when you are depressed, and i know i have them, i have felt averagely happy today. I remember at my first appoinment with a doctor and he asked me when was the last time something made me feel haooy and i couldn't think of anything. He then explained to me that often people with depression cannot recall happy moments, they can only think about negative things.

I wrote poems whem i was deeply depressed because i suffered insomnia so would lie awake at night thinking over and over about stuff, so instead i started writing poems about how i felt. It seems weird to me now that i wrote poems because it's not me at all, but it just seemed to help me and it felt natural at the time.

Although i never write anything about when i am feeling positive so it sounds like a good idea.

I have been signed off work since november but have recently taken the decision to resign from my job, i didn't feel happy about going back to work there after being off for so long. I want to start a fresh somewhere when i feel more back to myself, and still struggling with tiredness at the moment. I actually feel better about it now that i don't have to worry about going back to work.

Yeah i am glad i found this forum too, peoole have helped me so much, i don't think i would be where i am now if i hadn't.

Hi lee sorry you are having troubles. I've got the problem that my medication is heloing me get up and about and wanting to do things, but at the same time causing me tiredness, so i haven't got enough energy to do things and if i do get out for the day i return exhausted.

Yeah, that's it. I have enjoyed my 3 days of "normality", but we are then tempted, like you said, to do something with our day, & return exhausted! Still, I did accomplish a bit, like paying bills, took my mother-in-law out for lunch, looked at a new vacuum cleaner, a cordless Dyson, expensive, but I simply can't use a big heavy upright any more, especially the stairs. Also looked at a new TV. Got one of my own photos printed for the first time & am delighted with how it turned out. It's all left me totally knackered, but with a sense of achievement. It's that which keeps my mood up, if only temporary. I am just resigned to it going pear shaped again soon, but will enjoy it while it lasts.

Just to add. When my wife & I split up 10yrs ago, I was on the verge of ending it all. Eventually, someone suggested I look at the adult education classes, even if just to get myself out of the house. I went for a Creative Writing course, but quit after 3 weeks as it was just too depressing. I started to write at home & I also started writing verse about how I was feeling about my situation & how I could survive it. Not very manly, but it certainly worked. It took my mind off things But helped me come to terms with my part in the break up. I think we should use whatever means or method works for us as individuals.

Lee, glad you feel well enough to want to get out and about doing things too. It makes me feel better for doing things aswell, so i do try eventhough it's exhausting. It's not like how I was before taking mirtazapine though, I had difficulty just taking a shower then and would sit or lie curled up on the floor of the shower because I got to exhausted to stand.

It's good that writing helped you too, and you right that we should use whatever works for us, it did seem strange to me though as I am not really a writer, I'm not really into literature.

Hi Lee... Haha, i know what you mean. When i'm feeling good, i always think, is this how normal people feel?

Ye about writitng, i have only just realised that it actually does help. i Have had issues with my 'dad' for years.. i wont go in to it all because it is very very long, but he is not around anymore (thank gd) he ruined my family, which is the route of all my problems now. Anyway i sat down 3 weeks ago and didn't plan it, but i wrote a letter to him. It wasn't to make him feel guilty or blame him for anything, it was simply to let him know what he did and how it has had an affect on me. I'm not good when it comes to speaking to people and expressing how i feel, as i hide it and every person says 'oh you look happy'. Well i'm clearly not. I hated writing in school, but now it seems to be the only way i understand myself, if that makes sense.

I read back the letter i wrote and realised that i answered some of the questions i asked him myself. It was a strong and emotional thing to do.

Someone once said to me 'Fear is worse than reality'. I write this on the inside of my palm daily and just look at it when i get scared or nervous. Because it is true. Imagine something that scares you or makes you nervous, that your heart is beating so fast. it can be anything.. like, going for a job interview (this makes me like a nervous wreck) But think about it... you work yourself up so much on the way there, but when you get there you are absolutely fine. Its the lack of chemicals we have in our brain that make us think in such a negative way.

Btw i'm taking propananol and my doctor wont let me change medication. These pills do nothing at all apart from gives you depression as a side affect (just to cheer you all up)... why would you give someone who suffers from depression pills that make you depressed.

It's like that quote that fear isn't real, I can't remember it exactly but basically says that fear isn't real, it is just a thing in our heads where we worry about things that aren't real, that haven't happened and might never happen.

It does make sense that we shouldn't feel afraid, because it is being afraid of things that aren't reality.