Finding myself?

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I was diagnosed in January with A and D. I first tried citalopram and am now currently on 15mg escitalopram (2 weeks on that dose). Am I ever going to be the person I once was, happy, bubbly and generally happy go lucky, although always a worrier! I feel constantly like I'm a let down to everyone and feel guilty even though my therapist told me I shouldn't! I've done CBT but didn't find it that effective! Have I just got to live as me like this now forever or will it get better? Sorry if this is all so negative but that's how I feel as since January I feel like I'm constantly on a roller coaster!

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  • Posted

    You should not feel guilty nor that you have let anyone down, Susan. A and D are an illness and you can no more help being ill with that than you could with any other illness.

    Meds take time to get into the system so patience here is required. Now you know what is the matter with you take the time to trawl through the Forum and read the postings. There will be valuable advice and the support of the Forum members to help you. The more informed you are, the better you can move towards recovery. I might say know thy enemy smile

    It is not an easy path to recovery but you can do it. You need a positive frame of mind, a willingness to accept the symptoms without trying to fight them and every tool in the box to deal with them. The tools as I say can be found in the Forum

     

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    • Posted

      Thankyou Helen, I used to get physically symptoms on and off for years but didn't realise what it was and it always wore off but since I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression I've become obsessed with it and every unusual feeling I get I know what it is, the physically symptoms are a constant reminder and I'm only depressed when I have the anxiety, it's a vicious circle!

      I do read a lot on the forum and it does help to know I'm not alone and thanks for replying, take care x

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    • Posted

      I know it's hard to remain unfazed by it all, Susan. The trouble with we AD suferers is we tend to "listen" in and "watch" our bodies, if you can understand that? The slightest twinge, a feeling of lightheadedness or whatever it is and the alarm bells start ringing.

      We think, OH NO! IT'S HERE AGAIN! and then we spiral either iinto panic or despair or feel hopeless.

      But we are not hopeless nor helpless. When the dreaded symptoms strike we have to think, Well I know what it is, and carry on as calmly as we can. Not fighting to feel better thus adding stress. Not trying ton avoid it but keeping ourselves busy/occupied instead of honing in on how we feel. Taking control of thoughts is empowering

      I soon learned that dealing with anxiety was exhausting. It depletes our energy levels. So I ate little and often, hungry or not, chewing my food slowly. I kept hydrated because again I personally believe anxiety sucks the fluids out of us ( might be wrong but it worked for me) And rest, rest, rest.

      By rest I don't mean laying in bed because we feel like crap. I mean not pushing ourselves beyond our capabilities. And I have said this many times, whilst I appreciate that CBT works for some people, I found it placed unbearable expectations upon me which, when I failed to meet them, threw me into a feeling of failing and that if I couldn't manage guided assistance then nothing would work.

      But that is not true. We all have our own pace to which we should adhere. My progress was slow but steady. I never made myself nor forced myself to deal with things that at a particular time were too much for me. Small achievements every day inspired me with confidence and with confidence I was able to cope better and better and not let the anxiety grip me in a stranglehold

      You could say the anxiety exists on my terms, if that makes sense. As though I was saying, Well you're here, damn you to hell and back, but so am I and you're not getting the better of me, you're not going to terrify me again. I'm getting stronger and you're getting weaker

      Anxiety is a bully. Treat it as you would any bully. Face on!

      Hugs from Helen

       

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    • Posted

      Thanks again Helen, everything you have said makes such good sense and I do try to be positive but you're right, it's so hard!!! I think I've just got to come to terms that I might be different now! I know I've lost loads of confidence and that doesn't help! Do you take meds? X

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    • Posted

      Hello again. I'm on sertraline 50mg and the first few weeks were hell. I was worse before I got better but I persevered with them and I'm glad I did. They help.

      In a sense you will be different, Susan. You will look at life and people differently for certain. But it's a good difference. Good coming out of bad. You will find empathy for others, you will be able to discern what is and what is not important. You will find strengths you never knew you had and which will serve you well throughout your life in times of not only your need, but the needs of others.

      But the Susan that was? Don't ever think the happy, bubbly girl you once were is lost and gone forever. She is not. She's just hiding beneath the suffocating blanket of Anxiety Disorder/Depression at the moment. She's still there. She will always be there because that is the real you, the healthy you. That is your persona. In the fullness of time, when you have stood up to and flattened the bully, the Susan you were will emerge truimphant

      Hugs xxx

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  • Posted

    If you have been on meds for a while and still feel this way, you should discuss with your doctor about upping or changing meds.. You should feel better and better on them. I was on celexa and I felt more anxious than I did when I wasn't on them.. I'm on a new med myself for almost three weeks now and I find it's 10x better than the way I felt with the celexa, but it still isn't to my happy level where I used to be and hope i will be one day again.. I have an appointment next week so I'll be discussing adding another dose to my day to see if that helps any.

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    • Posted

      That's what the therapist said about changing meds but I'm so sensitive to change with the side effects I really suffer so I really hope they do kick in properly! What one you on now? Thankyou for replying!

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    • Posted

      I'm on buspar.. You have to look at it This way, will the happiness outweight the side effects? I'm also terrified of side effects.. The thing that helped me is to not research the medicine when you get it.. Throw out the leaflet explaining all side effects.. Anxiety will tend to hold onto all those bad thoughts and physically cause them. Meds will always have side effects, some you have, some you don't.. The worst thing about this pill is that I felt like a complete zombie for a week.. I was so insanely tired that I could barely function.. That stayed for about 4 to 5 days and then I started not being as tired.. Pushing yourself to do things is also major.. Some days you might not want to leave the house, but you HAVE to.. Even if it's out to the mailbox or sitting on the porch for ten minutes.id really suggest buspar if you have more anxiety, like I mentioned it is purely for anxiety while the citalopram you were taking is just an antidepressant and won't generally help the anxiety too much.

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    • Posted

      I'm on escitalopram now which is supposed to be a purer version of citalopram and better for anxiety so I am hopeful! You're so right about the leaflet, I'm always checking which is my downfall!! Also trying to push myself to do stuff does definately help! Thankyou so much x

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  • Posted

    Susan

    My depression can be in cycles so it can be a life of up and down moods.

    You hav been on your new dose on your medications give them a further three weeks before you decide you have waited long enough to get  full relief 

    BOB

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  • Posted

    I have had anxiety the past 7 weeks. I know how you feel when you say will I feel like myself again. I am normally happy go lucky, but 7 weeks ago my body got stuck in overdrive from months of work and study with no me time . I am taking escitalopram as well. Started at 5, went to 10 and now for a week and a half 12.5. I felt good on 10 but still had morning anxiety so my gp thought upping it would get rid of that. So far I only feel more anxious, I try to just stay positive everyday as I know that people do get back to their normal selves. Not sure how long it takes, but I feel like it is what you have to concentrate on. Good to distract yourself however possible from thinking about anxious feelings. With the meds have you had side effects, and if so what and for how long? If I am not being too personal. Also I am taking .25mg clonazapam morning and night until the eacotalopram fully works.
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    • Posted

      Hi April, it's horrible all this isn't it? I also started on 5 then 10 and now been on 15mg a little over two weeks! I didn't feel too bad on 5 and didn't really get side effects til I went to 1! I'm very sensitive and I got terrible morning anxiety (which is still there a little) also dizziness, nausea, loose bowels, frequent urination, increased anxiety, muscle tension, no appetite and got really down where I would cry for hours! I'm still waiting for this dosage to kick in and hoping it does as I can only go up to 20 on this!

      I've done the CBT, but unless I couldn't focus on it due to how I felt but it didn't do too much for me!

      I just feel like such a different person now and dispair that I won't be me again but I keep getting told just to accept the anxiety and that will help so I do try!

      It's hard but try and think positive and take care, hope you don't get too many side effects!!!

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    • Posted

      It's difficult to differentiate between personal tolerance and initial side-effects of medication.

      With the sertraline I had all the symptoms you speak of and to be honest I felt like giving them up. The only thing that strengthened my resolve to keep on them was my desperation to have help. I hope your symptoms disappear, Susan. It took me about 8-12 weeks to feel a small gain and then everything panned out from then on in.

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    • Posted

      Yes thanks Helen, it is difficult to tell the difference and also when I got diagnosed I had a lot of these symptoms in the beginning and starting an ad is soooo hard as they heighten all the problems and you feel so much worse it's hard to think they are going to work!

      I have to give it time, I know that but it's hard but I know others are going through the same and we are all in it together!

      It's made me revaluate a lot of things and it's altered me as a person and I don't like that side of things as I feel that because I feel down I'm bringing others down around me and I feel guilty for that but I'm hopeful it will get better and for you too x

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    • Posted

      No sweetie, you are not bringing down anyone! You have to tell yourself, you have to impress upon your mind, that you have an illness. Do so with calm acceptance. And as with any illness you will heal over time.

      I appreciate that those around us, the non AD sufferers, find it difficult to understand and empathise. They cannot help that nor should you allow it to cloud the way you see yourself.

      With AD it is only the here and now we must deal with. Not yesterday, looking back and feeling sad because it was hard. Not dreading tomorrow because who knows what tomorrow brings.

      Shed the guilt. Bury it. You would not feel guilty about a broken leg and needing help and support  from those around you. So why should AD be any different?

      If we are ill then we are ill, no matter what shape or form the illness takes.

      xxx

       

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    • Posted

      Thankyou Helen, you have been a great support and I will take on board everything you've said, it all makes perfect sense! And I'm going to try really really hard to get well!!!

      Take care, Sue x

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