From the day I began having anxiety I became restless about my health...

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Hello everyone. It's nice to meet you. I'm glad I found this website and I hope someone will lighten up my worries.

?I've started having anxiety attacks and my depression became severe a year ago. That day ruined my future ahead. Since that day I get more frequent headaches , not on a daily basis or something. But surely more than usual. I started having stomach and gut problems and sometimes, although rare My kidney would get upset. I am turning 18 in two months... I would like to undersand what's happening. I've got to understand the fact that anxiety comes with a full fan of symptoms but... headaches on my temple and neck, neck pains and whatnot, why? I was such a healthy girl with a strong will to live and less anger issues. Now I just get p*ssed so easily and my body reacts to it the bad way. Did really anxiety roll ontop of my body with a car? I would get nights when until 1 am I wouldn't get tired. I would be tired all day. I had to force myself to sleep, but more often than not I would wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. It's been a year. I tried hard to cope with anxiety. I barely if ever took any xanax. In fact I took it months ago after a whole year of not taking it. It's destroying my daily life. My worries sum up to irrational thinking that I can't move out from. I won't cry yet, but I feel on the edge. I won't think of doom, but that's what I keep feeling about my future and about my health. I don't drink, nor smoke, I don't eat unhealthy at all. But... well I might just be rambling here, but I really want someone smart to help me out, hold my hand trough this journey. I'd take any guide. Just please help me out... I can't even pull myself to do what I once loved and had the biggest passion. Drawing and writing... being open to people, I'm afraid to approach anyone. Erh anxiety and depression extended to almost everywhere. And guys, my mom barely is helping at all. She used to tell me I'm making up excuses and I am not worthy . so often I seriously believe it. Many things happened. So with this, since my anxiety came in I said ''goodbye'' to my life... help

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  • Posted

    It's interesting how many Anxiety Disorder sufferers are desperate to know WHY? Why is this happening to me?

    So many do not find an answer but yet they focus upon it with intensity that only adds tension and panic. Whereas, and this is only my opinion, we should instead take the approach of dealing with the here and now, taking the symptoms one by one. Because the reality is absolutely anything might have triggered it, something even deep seated in the subconscious from childhood. Knowing the whys and the wherefores is not an instant cure. Because the people who do know what triggered it do not find that knowledge cures them. They still have to deal with the fallout.

    The symptoms you describe are common amongst Anxiety Disorder sufferers. You need to read as much as you can about this subject because knowledge is power. The more you know, the more you understand. The more you understand the easier it is to deal with it.

    If you trawl through this forum you will find it enlightening. There will be similarities to that which you are suffering. You will learn how others cope. More importantly you will have the support of good, kind, unselfish people.

    You are not making up excuses honey. Anxiety Disorder is an illness and has to be approached as such. The only concern I have is the stopping and starting of

    the xanax, unless this was on the advice of your GP. Medication takes time to absorb into our system for full effect, and equally takes time to disperse  when we no longer require. Discontinuation should be done gradually.

    If you enjoy writing it can be therapeutic to write down how you feel and what you think. Like a secret diary. Writing it down brings clarity of though and it's a form of "letting go"

    Do not believe you are not worthysmile This is simply not true honey! You have, at this moment, Anxiety Disorder which is unpleasant to say the least. But you are very young, a whole wonderful life stretches before you! There is a way out of Ad and with help you will find it

    Hugs xxx

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    • Posted

      Hello lovely! Well with xanax i didn't stop abruptly I just took it extremely rare, when my anxiety was literaly unhandleable. Nightmareish. But thank you for worrying. My doctor actually prescribed it to me.

      ?And yes, you are right. I noticed my anxiety had roots from my very childhood. It wasn't a good childhood at all. All I can give to you for now is adjectives, since the story is long.

      My childhood implied

      ?-me going at midnight to buy beer for my abusive and violent dad

      ?-getting beaten up almost 24/7

      ?-getting chased with weapons

      ?-having my mom going away at the age of 3 years old

      -suffered the loss of the entire family but parents and an aunt.

      ?-I saw abuse and murder at a very young age, gore and mutilation

      ?-Psychological bullying and physical

      -Gaslighting ( past and present)

      ?-Humiliation and indirect bullying

      ?All resulted into me becoming and being a young girl who had breakdowns, attacks, anger issues ( not on an elevated level , but moderate) , having flashbacks and horrid nightmares. I lost trust in the world and enclosed myself. Believe me tho, I love talking, discussing , helping and being as artistic as my brain could go for.

      ?I'm so happy to see someone dedicated their moment to help me aswell. I will browse and document myself as much as I can.

      ?The only reason by the way, why I won't go see a psychiatrist or anything is because of my mom and many phobias.

      ?Once again thank you and I will look forward to more... I swear I wish I wouldn't be so unstable...

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    • Posted

      I felt so incredibly sad reading your response!

      Every child has the right to a safe and loving and stable childhood. Apparently yours was anything but and my heart aches for you, it truly does.

      It's little wonder you have emerged with issues.. We cannot change the past...If Only! we have to dedicate ourselves to the here and now and look to a better future.

      If nothing else that which you have endured can give you the strength and resolution that your life will be for the better as from this day forward. Hope is a wonderful thing. It gives us goals to reach for, dreams we can make come true if we keep on believing and look to the positives.

      I still have concerns over the xanax. Taking it when you're at your worst is all well and good then  to stop taking it when you feel better, more able to that what you did? Because continued medication levels out our stress coping mechanism. Until we feel 100% sure we can feel good, are stable enough to cope, I firmly believe we should continue. You need to be on an even keel. But that, I hasten to add, is a personal opinion. I would urge you to discuss this with your GP.

      As far as therapy is concerned, if the thought raises fear in you then it's not for you. Therapy is for willing patients and not for those who enter it in with a sense of obligation. I don't believe that when we are suffering AD we should further enhance our distress by doing things we don't want to do.

      Of course this does not mean we can avoid everything. We have to face our illness and take responsibility for it. Only that way can we heal. But everyones journey to recovery is different. This isn't a One Pill Cures Everything scenario.

      Some people gain from Therapy, CBT, others do not. It's finding the right path, the one you can walk along comfortably without adding to your fear.

      You will know what that is in the fullness of time, hence me asking you to research.There will be self-help remedies where you think " I can do that! "

      And you will smile

      Do not fight or struggle to get better. This has a negative effect. Accept it is what it is and move forward.

      You can do itsmile

      Hugs...Helen xx

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    • Posted

      Wow helen you are a beautiful soul! Stunning.....this part is for no nonsense have entered into this illness through ptsd. Sadly most have a "story" that has opened the door to anxiety disorders.  You will and need at some point come to the realization you have to let it go and forgive to begin to crawl out of this, its a spiritual journey as well as a mental and physcial one. The forgiveness does not mean you accept or like the person who hurt you, its is understanding that person was sick and couldnt afford you the proper care or teach you love as they didnt know how to or experience it themselves. You will also need to forgive yourself somehow little kids have a knack of figuring out some way its their fault and those wounds and feelings travel thru adulthood. No way.. it isn't your fault  no it wasnt fair. Yes you deserve love and most imprtantly  self love.But these issues with a good ptsd therapist can help you walk through all that. Oh so much to learn here love, so much and the journey through all this is worth it. You have layers involved in your healing and they need to be properly peeled away to get to a place you can safely begin to blossom and recover. 

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    • Posted

      Helen, I think we both think the same... I miss a parental embrace and nowadays I focus on accepting what's going on. Ofcourse, my breakdowns are a stuttery mess calling for mom and dad but Then again, I try to keep it quiet...

      ?About xanax. I haven't took it in a long time. And yes. I only took it in utterly dire moments. Which happened to be only twice. Then the rest of the attacks , I coped them with CBT and my own type of help. I like to look at things with a positive wink. But ofcourse, I trip easily at the bad influences. Funnily enough , I'm almost aware of my situation but whilst trying to keep my head above the water I feel the tension of being ready to drown. My boyfriend was and is a big part of the help. He struggles with me a little, he himself can't dragg mevforever , so I try to not go defensive on him. It's a main problem. I really am jumpy and it's enough for a normal phrase to become ambiguos and for me to answer in defensive. Oh the trivial conversations. Well, I will try to move the bad out of my sight. Fighting it with a positive smile. I love solving problems, puzzles, getting the feeling of completing a step in my life. I am easily contented even if I learnt to breathe better. Excitable little me , eh biggrin 

      ?To tell you a black story, I had a bus accident whilst going to school with mom about two years ago ( urgh the flashes ). It wasn't bad bad for me, but the other driver who slammed into our bus got badly injured and everyone was panicked. I wasn't an exception. By that time i used to smoke ( the worst habbit one could've tempted me to do, I'm more than happy i stopped ! a year ago). After the incident, passing by the same spot every day , for a while, kept tensing me up. Until I eventually became unconsciously obsessed with car accidents. One day I was in the old kind of bus, kida loud, screechy and ugly. I was subcosciously analyzing every feature thinking abut repairing. I began feeling my heart race soon, my breath becoming shallow, So I held in and held on thight to my bag, exited normally the bus and let anxiety go trough me. I took a walk and in 4 minutes I was back ok. Not the best ok, but thank god I didn't start to cry or scream... So now anything I fear becomes much an obsession if not even a trigger.

      ?This is just one of the many ''adventures'' of my last school year. All I can say,anxiety costed me my whole school year, currently I must repeat the classes.

      ?I promise to hold on tight and try to slowly but effectiely move on <3

      Yes, I can do it.

      ?Many hugs! Maria°w°wink/


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    • Posted

      I teared up a little but I swear because I am happy. Yes, I want to change and want to heal so badly... If not, it's my main goal next to becoming a great illustrator... I painted my profile pictured yes.

      ?The amount of layers indeed suffocate me, there beneath. But I  get to read and hear finally people who've been trough this and who understand and are willing to help... Yes , I would say ... I wish I had more and more love. My boyfriend is great! I love him and with him I made a beautiful romance story like in real movies. Fights and misunderstandings included. But even if he's the ninth cloud himself, the loneliness is tagged with ''missing family and friends''. But I promise I will try my hardest. I don't know how or why, I suddenly am again feeling more hope than what I can hold <3 Thank you, better times should come... I hope

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    • Posted

      I don't feel deserving of such fulsome praise, Lisa! But what a wonderful thing to say to me and from the bottom of my heart I thank you...oddly enough I admire you enormously because, despite your own struggles, you are a constant on the Forum, wise as an owl, always reaching out to those in dire need of help.

      Consistency is priceless for Ad sufferers. You more than anyone provide that! I, sadly, do not have your tireless energy to provide it

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    • Posted

      The thing I gleaned most from your response that you have a great insight into why you feel as you do and, as the instance on the bus indicates, how in an emergency panic, to deal with it practically.

      Love is a strange issue. That a child grows feeling unloved is cruel. But as Lisa says, this was something lacking in them,  not you, something they could not help. They missed out as much as you did. The difference is  that you are aware of it whereas they are not.

      You will find as you journey through life that love comes in all manner and shapes and forms. We find it in the most unexpected of places and people...not to mention pets! Pets give us unconditional love. When you find love, when you stumble across it when and where you least expect it, then that love is special. It endures all and lasts a lifetime

      The love we did not have should not be mourned. The love that will come to us can be treasured.

      Your time will come.


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    • Posted

      I just watched a show a few weeks ago that you may find interesting. Most of the comedians and comedy writers, including the most famous had childhoods like yours. They turned their pain to comedy to heal themselved and tteach and help others through laughter.

      You write, who not write this stuff from the viewpoint of a couple of your favorite comedians.

      I was in Mexico living in the barrio and working in a small shop. You would not believe the conditions, the poverty, the busses that ran until they stopped, and then left there until someone stole then...riders just put on another bus.

      I was asked to write a column from the viewpoint of an American living in a Mexican neighborhood, for the local mewspaper.  To my surprise....I found that I have a gift for turning the terrible and pathetic to hilarious stories. Behind the stories (not intentionally) was the real story of living in a third world country.

      Get out you notebook or computer and write, finding the distance in yourself to write stuff that made you such a way to make others laugh. Just an idea, dear one. Try it. Big hugs.

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    • Posted

      Your story needs to progress now into a healing journey. That is what it is. When you come from the route of ptsd the healing journey is very different from typical anxiety disorders. You have and know the core. I know you have a lot of stages you need to pass through, a lot of forgiveness, acceptance and understanding.. basically unpacking all your baggage and slowly castinig it piece by piece into a river sort of speak. Sending nothing but love with each piece. Yes love thats what true forgiveness entails, for yourself. I dont care if at anytime in yiur yiuth yiu felt you acted act or angry or whatever thats okay forgive it all. You survived it sweetheart. You are a survivor. Saying that you have dreams love, embrace them ..grab that little girl within you and she is there .. who never knew saftey, consistency and what it meant to feel the unconditional love a parent was suppose to provide and give  it to yourself allow yourself to pursue your goals of being a great illustrater. Art is one fantastic expression and release as well. When you get flashbacks, cause they happen ..go to a mirror and look straight at your beatuiful face and say to the reflection i love you and i am here for you, i am safe and all is well. Say it all the time. All the time you ever see a mirror. This stuff works. As corny as that sounds after a while you will feel it. You will feel that love and that little girl that was so damn overwhelmed and scared will feel that love. At some point with the mirror therapy it will make you cry and thats okay. Keep doing it. The greatest gift that exists in this world is love and self love is vital to healing and and i said before this self love, when its real will let go of the past, accept it, forgive it and let it go. It will be so freeing. I have no way to put into words to express how freeing it will feel. And then you have all that space and room to fill with love, dreams and life. I hope that didnt sound too corny. No matter how low you feel olease go to mirror and look at yourself and i say i love you. You walk this walk, you need too and You go get those dreams and you raise your hands high in the air when you succeed as an illustrator and scream to the world..i am a survivor and i got this! 
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    • Posted

      My internet went out and all i've written got lost . But to sum up everything, I was always scared i'll never be good enough for the little girl I used to be.... But I will take all I can do and give to her what she never had. Even if times will go rough, I won't be like my parents. I wish I had a daughter... But i'm too young. But my love is infinite, that's for sure! I will take my life in my hands and hold it tightly. I will try everything and give a voice to the happiness in my heart. And it's not corny to love yourself. It should be a confidence lesson. Except for those who love themselves in a mean manner.

      ?Thank you so much lisa...! You're like a motherly figure to me

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    • Posted

      You have an artistic gift. It makes you special! Don't waste it!

      Take heart from this the responses, especially of 3 amazing people:

      Lisa, whose heart embraces one and all

      Cia, dearest Cia, our earthl Angel

      Tessa...wonderful human should read how she has supported someone who has suffered a miscarriage....I tell you, I cried buckets, I truly did, when reading that thread...beautiful, uplifting stuff...people like these make the world a better place

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