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I have been feeling really gulity recently as i just turned 30 and feel like a failure in every capacity at life. As i a person with CP and in a wheelchair there are things i struggle with being capable of doing. Can't even a full time just 16 hours never had any type of romantic relationship either. Picture as just managing to peep through the open doors but them never really seeming to fully open no matter what i do and it makes me so sad cause i do try.
All these feeling contributed to my GAD flaring up and then it creates a weird scenario where even being happy is a challenging even getting up can become hard almost something to proud off!?
Sometimes I feel like i should just except myself as a failure as my existence and just try to be happy in my lame existence to keep the depressive state at bay but its just a vicious cycle
Does this make any sense?
0 likes, 8 replies
FranzSchubert jerome20142
Posted
Hi Jerome! As a fellow human being you have value. Period.
I've known people who were what one would describe as highly successful, and yet they feel like a failure. Feelings are so relative. Of course, I see your point from where you are coming. The CP is your fate but not your fault. I'd say you have to abandon this feeling of failure for your own sake and wellbeing. It will lead nowhere.
It seems like you need to find your peer group, like people who you can relate to and who share things with you, life experiences, strengths and weaknesses. That in itself can be therapeutic.
Have you sought out help? It seems like you're yearning for a better social life. I'd agree that this is important. Maybe a psychologist would be a good first contact to sort through your ideas and see what you need. Also, perhaps your GAD is so severe that you would benefit from medical treatment. You owe it to yourself to find out what would be best to you in your current situation. I don't know you so don't want to say things that might not apply to your situation. However, frankly, I'd be extremely surprised if you couldn't improve your situation substantially by utilizing the right sort of help.
Ela.S jerome20142
Posted
Hi Jerome,
Yes, it make sense, and I understand You very good.
I know, what it is to feel like " failure "..
With me is more in emotional zone. Whole my life was
"swing of ups and downs".. Yes I have working legs and hands, but I'm emotional invalid. I never
had real relationship as well, but when it finally happened- I've been diagnosed with kidney cancer.
Luckily, I got over it, with help of my partner. And then when we should be " happily ever after " , the worst tragedy happened in my life .
I had one child, beautiful daughter.. She died suddenly, last year. She was only 35 years old. She was my whole purpose in life. And I can't go over it. But I will never give up. I found new purpose in life. That is fight for justice for my daughter, as she died in hospital, because doctors neglect her...
But, point is, my dear, to live your life every single day.
Even , if biggest achievement of the day for you , is to stand up....That's alright.. Maybe tomorrow ,You will do one step more? And if not, it also all right. Be good for yourself..
You're not failure.. and Your life is not " lame".
You just have , let's say, more "challenging" life. But You're as much worthy, as any other person. And even more, I would say..
People, who are born healthy, rich and beautiful, often don't appreciate, what they got. Everything comes easy in their life. And You, have to fight every single day, not only with Your disability, but also with these thoughts, which undermine You....
Lot of people have to fight with own demons. Even those with smiley face...
My dear, I could write you more yet, but maybe it's not a place and time..
I only want to say You, that I admire people like you . For a strength and strong will to live..
And I'm telling you: never give up. You not alone. Seek for support if You need it. Maybe write or talk to somebody, like me for example. I feel your pain and anxiety , and understand You
Doe's that make sens to you?
And sorry for my grammar..I'm not British 😉
Warm greetings!
Ela
jerome20142 Ela.S
Posted
Thank you and your English id totally acceptable!
jerome20142
Posted
Thank you very much for your kind response. In terms of social life its the best it's ever been in my life. I think that because i have some sad and frustrating times recently its all been silently building and is now creating a GAD symptom. I am usual very good at not comparing myself to others but my peer group is all "more" successful than myself in every area and i think i just need to keep reminding myself that everybody is different and everybody is going to be younger or older than you know matter. I know this but as i said i had some trying times and i think this just built up into this. Like now its at its pinnacle my brain to let it go and this is how it once to do it. I also have reactive depressive episode so as soon as GAD starts that begins so that doesn't help. I won't give up though i find my own reason to smile everyday cause not many people get to have what i have, particularly if you look at one aspect the CP some are more "severe" some can't even get hired
So i just need to ride the episode hopefully i can if not I'll will get help from the correct sources.
Ela.S jerome20142
Posted
Hi Jerome,
You see? You have all what You need to succeed.
Right attitude, and strong will.
And if sometimes, You feel, that there is too much to bear, You just have to share it with somebody. That cleans your perspective, helps You see brighter side of Your life, find solution and purpose.
After I lost my daughter, despair and feeling of guilt, and failure as a mother, was killing me. But doctor said to me: "That is not your fault , you know, what you have to do now and what to fight for. And though you'll never get over it, you just have to learn, how to live with that. "
Relieving of my pain, by talking with her, helped me to see my value and goal in life.
And You have to learn, how to accept, what You can't change, but change that, what You can.
I wish You good luck and strength!
Ela
jerome20142
Posted
Thank you it almost the walls that i put up have to be rebuilt like right now i feel fine and I was laughing a minute ago but at the same time I feel tears in the back of my eyes constantly
jerome20142
Posted
I decided to be mentally constructive and physically lazy in order to "battle" the anxiety attack "damage"
Sounds dramatic i know But it took me weeks to feel this good last time still a constant fight but thanks for the help thus far and possibly more help from others
jerome20142
Posted
*today i mean
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