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Hello all, not done this before, but feel i can talk to no one about anything going on in my life. I don't want this to take pages and pages so i'm just going to list my 'issues'.....
A dear friend of mine has just been told she has cancer for the third time and its likely to be terminal. I'm so very upset to hear this. Its me who wants to be dead, why can't it be me? She is the kindest person you could ever meet. I just don't understand.
I still think (well i know) that i'm in love with the woman i had an affair with 8 years ago. I think about her every single day.....almost obsessively. I stopped the affair the day my twins were born because it was the 'right thing to do' but maybe not for me.
I'm thinking about leaving my family. I'm married (even after everything i've put her thru) and have 3 kids. One of 12 and twins of 9.
We haven't had sex for almost 4 years. There's no affection, kissing, cuddles nothing. We don't even talk expect about the kids. She offers me no sympaphy.
I'm currently taking Lithium, Mirtazapine, Duloxetine and 2 strong pain killers Tramadol and Gabapentine for historic back pain.
I feel that i fail at everything i do. My career of 25 years came to a sudden end when i was made redundant. I invested in my own businesss which is also on the cusp of failing. It simply doesn't make enough money so i have to rely on my wife to work all hours.
I have only 2 close friends from my school days. I don't go out on my own and struggle if i have to go out with my family. I just feel so uncomfortable, like a fish out of water.
I struggle with controlling money. A few years ago i ran up massive debts on loans, remortgaging and cards etc. Current balance is about 20K +.
I have a large 200k mortgage that i'm in arrears with, having to ask my mum to bail me out yet again to keep our house.
I've lost all pride in my appearance and home. Although i admit to having ocd a few years ago, i managed to get it under control. Now it seems to have gone completely the other way. I don' give a sh*t about anything.
My sleep pattern changes all the time. Currently, its going to bed around 2am even tho i don't feel tired, but struggling to get up, then quite often falling asleep during the day.
I hoard car parts bought off Ebay, stuff i simply don't need but convince myself that i do.
I don't drink alcohol, but used to quite alot. Now i only wish i could drink.
I've had loads of not always necessary surgery, purely because i love the feeling of going under, but hate waking up. I've had a mole removed from my eye, twisted testicle sorted, vasectomy, 3X discectomy over 4 years for the same slipped disc, titanium cage installed in lower spine, bone removed from nose.
I spent months in private clinics doing cbt courses etc. I even had 6 sessions of ECT, hence i think thats why my memory is so awful.
The DVLA nearly took my driving licence away last year because of my drugs and the common suicidal thoughts i was having. They gave it back for a year which is due for renewal in July. If i can't drive my business is over immediately (I'm a mobile mechanic).
So sorry to have gone on for so long if you've taken the time to read this. I don't know what i want in the way of replies or advice. I just don't want to be here, i don't get the point of life..........
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