Getting desperate but no one to talk to....

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hello all, not done this before, but feel i can talk to no one about anything going on in my life. I don't want this to take pages and pages so i'm  just going to list my 'issues'.....

A dear friend of mine has just been told she has cancer for the third time and its likely to be terminal. I'm so very upset to hear this. Its me who wants to be dead, why can't it be me? She is the kindest person you could ever meet. I just don't understand.

I still think (well i know) that i'm in love with the woman i had an affair with 8 years ago. I think about her every single day.....almost obsessively. I stopped the affair the day my twins were born because it was the 'right thing to do' but maybe not for me.

I'm thinking about leaving my family. I'm married (even after everything i've put her thru) and have 3 kids. One of 12 and twins of 9.

We haven't had sex for almost 4 years. There's no affection, kissing, cuddles nothing. We don't even talk expect about the kids. She offers me no sympaphy.

I'm currently taking Lithium, Mirtazapine, Duloxetine and 2 strong pain killers Tramadol and Gabapentine for historic back pain.

I feel that i fail at everything i do. My career of 25 years came to a sudden end when i was made redundant. I invested in my own businesss which is also on the cusp of failing. It simply doesn't make enough money so i have to rely on my wife to work all hours.

I have only 2 close friends from my school days. I don't go out on my own and struggle if i have to go out with my family. I just feel so uncomfortable, like a fish out of water.

I struggle with controlling money. A few years ago i ran up massive debts on loans, remortgaging and cards etc. Current balance is about 20K +.

I have a large 200k mortgage that i'm in arrears with, having to ask my mum to bail me out yet again to keep our house.

I've lost all pride in my appearance and home. Although i admit to having ocd a few years ago, i managed to get it under control. Now it seems to have gone completely the other way. I don' give a sh*t about anything.

My sleep pattern changes all the time. Currently, its going to bed around 2am even tho i don't feel tired, but struggling to get up, then quite often falling asleep during the day.

I hoard car parts bought off Ebay, stuff i simply don't need but convince myself that i do.

I don't drink alcohol, but used to quite alot. Now i only wish i could drink. 

I've had loads of not always necessary surgery, purely because i love the feeling of going under, but hate waking up. I've had a mole removed from my eye, twisted testicle sorted, vasectomy, 3X discectomy over 4 years for the same slipped disc, titanium cage installed in lower spine, bone removed from nose.

I spent months in private clinics doing cbt courses etc. I even had 6 sessions of ECT, hence i think thats why my memory is so awful.

The DVLA nearly took my driving licence away last year because of my drugs and the common suicidal thoughts i was having. They gave it back for a year which is due for renewal in July. If i can't drive my business is over immediately (I'm a mobile mechanic).

So sorry to have gone on for so long if you've taken the time to read this. I don't know what i want in the way of replies or advice. I just don't want to be here, i don't get the point of life..........

Thanks again

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Roger, I am so very sorry for the awful turmoil you are feeling at the moment, and probably for a VERY long time previously....

    Roger you are not living at the moment, and that is so, so sad...

    It is obvious that you love your children very much. Xxx

    But is seems that you feel your life is out of control, ( I certainly can sympathize with you, I was the same for 10yrs...ALCOHOLIC ) you have so many thoughts and feelings and regrets in your mind, you are at breaking point.....

    Roger, please, please, please see your GP..ask for a lengthy appointment and tell them all the difficulties you are facing.....

    You need help, antidepressants and maybe a mild tranquilizer could help you...I know the agony of back pain, I have ruptured and two bulging discs..I take pregabalin ....excellent for back pain..also codamol...sertraline...and other various medication...which all help much of the time.....

    You need to be referred to a sounds as if you have overwhelming depression, you need the proper help and medication to help you cope.....and more importantly,...get your family and yourself happy again and get YOUR life back....

    Please try not to give up, you must feel guilty about your low moods, you can be helped to feel in control. And I am sure it will vastly improve your relationship with your wife....

    I know that loving someone else is also very difficult...but we are only human, it happens to many people, but you can learn to live with it

    Also if your are desperate, remember you can call the SAMARITANS...ALSO MIND... please get help today. ..keep in touch xxx

    You are in my thoughts, take care.Deirdre ..xxxx

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  • Posted

    Everything that you have related Roger is syptomatic of a long-term psychological disorder, the exact nature of which is not clear, but it does need urgent attention.

    I only say this because you come across as an isolationist and someone who is not capable at the moment of properly interacting with anything or anyone.

    You recognise the need to try to fit-in and get on with life, but cannot find a way in which to do it, so you have adopted a synthetic lifestyle in which you might adapt - a sort of hit and miss existence - if you like a sort of Walter Mitty existence.

    You yearn for the lady with whom you had an affair probably because at that time you really felt you could just be yourself and  were happy with most things that happened around you - you have a great regret that you broke this up this relationship to do the 'right thing', because you now believe the right thing then has led you to a life of emptiness now. This is a misconception because the reason why your life is empty is because of your inability to cope with it.

    In my opinion Roger the only way that you are ever going to get to the bottom of your problem is by having a full and frank disclosure with a medical professional.

    I think you should initially ask your doctor to refer you to (a) a clinical psychologist, and (b) to a psychiatrist - as a matter of urgency.

    You are ill Roger, but what you have to accept is that mental health issues are frequently more serious than an illness where the physiological symptoms are open to view.

    I feel that you really must do something about this without delay - get help.




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  • Posted

    I'm so sorry. This illness we have is brutal. I have a friend with terminal cancer too, and I have exactly the same thoughts about it as you. I wish I could swap with her, but also I know how angry she would be if I threw away the years she wishes she still had.

    A couple of things that jump out: when was the last time your medication was adjusted? It sounds as though it's not working for you. You said that you'd gone from OCD to not caring about anything - I wonder if your pills need fine-tuning? I'm sure you've had lots of discussions with your doctor about it, and it's hard to get a great result, but you must be able to get a better quality of life than this.

    The other thing is, please be wary of romanticising past relationships. The feeling of being in love is such a powerful antidote to depression that it's easy to become addicted to self-medicating with it, and to prolong an attachment by obsessing about it, especially if it didn't reach a natural conclusion. The affair might have been amazing, but you'd probably find that if you moved in with her, reality wouldn't live up to your imagination, and then you would have lost your family for nothing. I can't comment on your relationship with your wife, but if you do end up divorcing, don't make it about another woman. The fallout for everyone involved would be much worse. Please don't do anything in this regard before trying to improve your medication. 

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