Gf is on the mend...Me not so much

Posted , 3 users are following.

For the last year and a half or so I've been on a downward hill slide. My gf has been dealing with post natal depression for nearly 2 years and I thought I was helping but I don't think I helped much beyond running myself into the ground trying to do as much as I could with our child, around house and all the practical stuff. Beginning of 2014 I found myself out of work and have been struggling to get back into work all year. GF left her studies because of me and got a job almost straight away. So now I feel even more useless and have had the horrible experience over the last few months especially seeing her heading up the slide I'm going down leaving me behind, in my head almost waving as she goes by.

Being a typical man I didn't talk, hid what I could, brushed off when she asked and without noticing pushed her away. While I'm to blame for most of it she has pushed me away too. I swear I have never hated an inanimate object as much as I hate her phone for example. WhatsApp groups, Facebook, games. Christmas and new year are always tough for me as I live away from my family so homesickness is an issue. This Christmas it got to much and I had a melt down. I just didn't want to leave the house. I explained it away as just being homesick so she took our son up to her mums for Christmas and I spent it on the kitchen floor. New years Eve was worse but this time I was about to just let it all out and she said to me "i have my own problems" that shocked me into shutting down. I felt more alone in that moment than I ever have. Again she took our son up to her mums and I saw in the bells on Youtube in the poisonous bile that is video comment sections.

I ramble a bit btw but getting to the point...

After new year I closed in even more. As soon as our son was in bed I'd hide away on some stupid computer game talking to the only friends I have left talking...People I've never even met and tbh not really even friends beyond games. Monday night she comes home from a late shift and she wants to chat. She explains that a few wks ago she realised that she just doesn't love me anymore and we should be friends as that's what we've been like for long enough. I just couldn't speak. I had no response. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I think she was thinking quick and clean break up. I see it as shock and awe.

For my problems, I am facing it and seeking professional help via gp. What I'm on here for is to ask one question that I can't wait for the gp for...and they probably wouldn't have an answer too.

With what has gone on and how things have played out is it to late for me to tell her everything? Should I risk hurting her or dragging her back down or just keep quiet and deal with it? Keeping quiet put me were I am but what is to be achieved breaking the silence now. I'm so confused and conflicted.

For anyone who has given me the time to read this far I really appreciate it and thank you

D

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    I would say you have nothing to lose by opening up to her what's worst that could happen? She tells you to deal with it yourself and doesn't show interest. Well that's pretty much what you are doing at minute isn't it? So wouldn't be any change. But she could want to help and support you which at least could mean closer friends and could lead to you getting back together if that's what you want.
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    • Posted

      Before reading your reply in my head I had everything to lose. I'm 'stuck' in a country I don't think much of and I'm not leaving my son. I don't have family support and no fall back. But we have both already agreed that no matter what we have to find a way to remain friends at least. We are both from broken families so we both know that parents apart is tough but parents fighting is nightmarish and neither of us want our son to experience that. So now I know we have to have this talk if any sort of friendship stands a chance. Already told her we need to talk this out so that's what we are going to do tonight.

      Thank you

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  • Posted

    Hello, I took the time to read your post also, as i could feel your frustration. It seems like you have both tried to support each other for a while but without professional help. Has your wife ever got treatment for the post natal depression, it's not too late. I do know that post natal depression can make women push everyone away and not excusing women but the hormones play a big part. Did she have a difficult birth? It as been a vicious circle for you both and you lost your job trying to keep the practicalities of life going. Well done for that. It seemed then that you began pushing her away at Christmas and it maybe that your depressed, i do think that you have been both co -dependent on trying to support each other and in all fairness she got a job, she may have felt guilty because you lost your job when she needed help. I don't think each of you have been able to talk in depth. Can you sit down together and both take turns in speaking about how you both feel now and about the last two years. Listen to each other without interuption. Ask each other what you both want for the future. Also both get help, I feel you both maybe need Counselling which is both confidential and non judgemental. You will get support here it's a good forum and we can try to advice from an outsiders point of view, but you need to do the work to get results.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

     

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    • Posted

      When she confirmed post natal depression she did get professional help. I thought I was helping a lot too. I read up on the condition and thought I was doing great as an understanding boy friend. I have come to realise that I think the mistake we made was taking the problem as her condition that she needed help with and my way of helping was literally helping around the house and with our son and stuff while she had professional help and her family and if she wanted to talk I'd be there not realising that she probably did but didn't ask. Instead we should have seen this as our families problem from the start and tackled it as such together. She did push me away but I did help her do it. The same can be said for my situation now. I realised something was very wrong ages ago but I went from "she has her own problems" to "she has her new job and is getting better. I can't bring her back down" so I kept it to myself.

      I am now seeking help. I've yet to even talk to the gp(earliest appointment next wk :s) so very early days. My priority as far as us is concerned is I can already feel the anger, frustration and resentment building so if we are going to even attempt to salvage a friendship out of this we need to talk and get everything out sooner rather than later.

      Reading your reply has been a huge help and I really appreciate it. Thank you

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  • Posted

    Id say open up, dont give up. I just come thru a divorce in the last 12 months and its not great fun, when kids are involved
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply. The one positive I have is that we have both come from broken families and we both strongly agree that we have to try to remain friends so I know that whatever is said may be hard to hear but it's being truthful and not meant to just hurt. I also know neither of us is blameless in it. We might not be able to get back together. I know her feelings have changed and I know mine may too after I've had time to get my head straightened out. But I do think we can remain friends after the dust settles and after reading everyone's replys I know we have to talk it out.
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