Giving up hope to survive constant medical crisis
Posted , 3 users are following.
I am mid 30s in the US and the last 3-4 years have been a haze of completely random medical crisis after crisis, I've almost died due to Diverticulitis/Sepsis, and every 6 months I have an L5 spinal disc that hernias and renders me in constant absolutely shocking pain.
My employer is at their end with me taking a full 3 months of FMLA yearly, made it clear I will be let go if I do not return to work despite being physically broken, and I am hitting a point where the mental pain of all this outweighs the physical pain.
I don't want to kill myself at all, but I'm at a point where I don't really want to keep fighting to stay alive either, I feel like a broken human burden on everyone in my life which has hurt more than any physical pain I'm experiencing.
I have stopped caring about what meds I mix, I won't intentionally OD myself, but the risk of death as a side effect feels more like what I deserve for needing to medicate myself 24/7 and is a side effect not of mixing meds but of being a broken human body that needs to finish dying.
It breaks my heart because I feel like expressing this despair to anyone in my life is gonna be another malfunction, my eyes tear up typing that, as I already feel physically vulnerable and now mentally collapsing quickly.
I'm not intentionally driving my car into a light pole, but I feel at this point I've let go of the steering wheel, to let my life drive itself off the road into a fiery wreck as it will on it's own natural course.
I am worried losing my job / health insurance within the month is basically a death sentence, I am not sure how to navigate this situation and its fast approaching with my ability to walk almost completely currently gone.
The worst part is my back can be fixed, but going homeless while paralyzed in Winter? How does anyone survive that? Do I throw myself on the mercy of my employer to not fire me? Burden someone else's life with my problems?
I feel the fiery wreck of my life in the near future, and I have no idea what on Earth to do, but so far I've kept myself together thinking maybe tomorrow will be better. It never is, it's a constant decline in physical and mental health, and its snowballing fast 😕
1 like, 11 replies
sam18386 rommon
Posted
hi rommon, i know how you feel because i threatened to jump last year - my physical health was so poor, i caught one thing after another and couldn't see any way out. the last was when i walked away from my home with a note left for my partner to say by the time he got home i'd be dead. physical ill health has been known to drag mental health down quickly. do you have a union you are in or a physician that you could write on your behalf to explain about your health? you shouldn't be forced to go back if you are really unwell. you need to get the evidence together and get someone to support you before you approach your workplace. i luckily wasn't working at the time or claiming any government support. get your health sorted first, YOU are important and your workplace will have to cope. i have since been able to work after discovering why i was getting so sick. i wish you luck.
rommon sam18386
Posted
No unfortunately even with my MRI the Director of HR called me directly to inform me I would need to be let go, and if my job just vanished while I am disabled, I mean you lose income / insurance / roof over my head.
They are fully aware with an MRI image showing L5 digging into a pile of nerves, it looks like it should be paralyzing.
So I'm trying to think:
I have zero cash paying utils / rent on half pay for short term disability, so if they fired me I couldn't hire people to even help move my belongings, and I can't hardly move a cup across a room.
No losing my job I imagine would be my death sentence without my manager actually pulling the trigger, I have crushing medical debt from all these nice random events, so that would probably end my back getting surgery and slowly go paralyzed.
I have no idea how I am going to get through this, and if life will be any less painful on the other side of surviving being fired somehow.
That's why I say I am not really trying to kill myself, as I don't hate myself or anything, but I'm not real eager to continue like this.
I cannot sleep anymore as my entire body is just shocking pain, I ate one piece of pumpkin pie as it was on a good level to reach it, otherwise I honestly can hardly function through this pain.
I looked at unemployment benefits but you need to be able to work to get welfare, so there literally is no good way this ends unless I have a miracle recovery LOLOL!
diane98246 rommon
Posted
It sounds like you're being very hard on yourself for something that is not your fault. Depression is a disease like any physical disease, and you in particular have good reason to be depressed.
I am worried about you not being on disability. It sounds like you are definitely a candidate for it. Is there somewhere you can stay while looking into this option so that you don't have to worry about losing your job? Parents? Please do not worry about being 'a burden' to anyone at a time like this when you are so in need of help.
Also I would definitely share the entire situation as you expressed it above with your employer. It wouldnt be right to have to leave that job without having explained your situation to them. Is there a 'human resources' department where you work? They are there to deal with this sort of thing.
Once you find a degree of stability about whether or not you will keep your job and where you can stay if you dont, I think it would be immensely helpful for you to be prescribed the proper antidepressants and anxiety medication and seek the help of a therapist.
Maybe you're already living with your parents and I truly hope this is the case. If not, I pray that you will find a stable place to stay while you work through these immense difficulties you are dealing with.
rommon diane98246
Posted
Hello and thank you for your reply diane!
My dad passed away 5 years ago or so, with actually very similar back issues of not being able to walk around in his own house, passed away in his sleep in a recliner because he couldn't get in and out of bed just like I cannot at this point (which is kind of twisting the knife).
My mom would probably be an option, however she is extremely strapped for cash at all times, and actually right now recovering from a hip replacement surgery for terrible back issues and really having a nightmarish time with recovery.
One of my brothers I haven't talked to in years because he is just a gross abusive person, and my brother here is renting a basement room in a house, which he is almost in his own life crisis from just everything (work, his own physical pains, relationships) and he has been diagnosed as clinically depressed.
I broke down sobbing the other night as I laid in my recliner in pain, and noticed a picture of my dad on the bookshelf, and wondered which morning would be the one I don't wake up in my chair 😦
I have a fiancee that has been very caring and supportive through all my horrors of the last 3 years, but when I bring up being depressed, I'm not sure if she doesn't take me seriously or just has bad experiences with it and doesn't touch the subject but she just dismisses it.
Being that I can't sleep in the same bed as her anymore, I feel like we are almost losing part of our bond from the pain that forces me out of the bed and away from her side, and that is like a punch into the Earth as well. We don't talk a whole lot while she is home, we just feel distant, like my physical issues are keeping us apart physically for the last 3 years and the foreseeable future.
I've told her several times if she wants to bail on this relationship I would not hold it against her, I couldn't imagine dating someone constantly going to the ER / going through surgeries / driving them to appointments / not ever doing anything with them because they are physically unable to move / having family circles gossip we are anti social or hermits because I just literally cannot go stand around for a few hours like a normal human.
I did have one flash point of suicide when I still had my colostomy bag about 6 months ago, and I remember the seal broke so I basically crapped all over my chest / stomach, and as I looked down at the huge scars from emergency surgery and feces dripping across my stomach I snapped.
Walked immediately to the nightstand / popped clip in the 9mm / rounded chamber / breathed rapidly bracing for impact / considered correct angle to shoot skull not to survive / felt guilty that I would splatter my brains all over a rented house / considered which room was most considerate to blow my head off in / eventually calmed down once I was in the bathroom.
I mean who avoids a suicide because they feel guilty about blowing their head off in a rented space?
Cleaned myself up and my mom actually came over immediately to pick up both my handguns that I've responsibly owned for 10+ years at that point, and she gave them to a state trooper she knows but she had no idea what had just transpired, only that I needed them out of my reach immediately.
I had not thought of suicide since then, I really do not want to kill myself, but I almost blacked out with rage in that moment of gazing down at my broken / butchered body covered in my own feces thinking "Oh my god I need to get the hell out of this nightmare!!!"
Though I've never like plotted it or anything, it was like in that moment my body and my life was telling me f you, and I was going to tell it f you too for the last time.
Life had gotten better after the colostomy reversal surgery was a success and I seem to have healed well from that, but now I just randomly go paralyzed / lose my job / life goes to hell out of nowhere again. Welcome back to the nightmare, again, for the 18th time :\
rommon diane98246
Posted
Apparently my ranting tripped that comment to need moderation, I kind of poured my soul into that response, I do appreciate your kind words and your response diane!
rommon diane98246
Posted
If that post gets deleted / not approved Ill give a more concise answer, Ive been through some terrible times and felt good to actually type it all out in that post, and again I do appreciate you reaching out on here!
rommon diane98246
Posted
I did hit a breaking point today that I called my fiancee's mom who I get along with, and just poured my heart out, and she assured me if everything went belly up I could take whatever I wanted from my house and live with my fiancee's parents as long as I need.
I started balling my eyes out, could barely talk at one point, I feel so ashamed of feeling like I am being dramatic, but she told me about her struggles with nerve pain and depression as well.
That is a huge weight off my mind that this injury will not set my life into a tailspin!
sam18386 rommon
Posted
you brave person! well done, relax now and breathe, you've got some support, that's a fabulous start....
rommon sam18386
Posted
Yes it didn't fix anything, but I've been waiting for someone I could confide in and not hold back, it was reassuring and therapeutic!
I've tried even touching the subject with my mom / fiancee / brother in the last 24 hours and got snubbed, so that gave me back a huge piece of dignity having someone understanding how I feel!
sam18386 rommon
Posted
hi rommon, well done for letting more people know. any support is viral. well done!
diane98246 rommon
Posted
rommon don’t worry when you get that message that your post is ‘awaiting moderation’ or words to that effect. I get those also and it doesnt have anything to do with the length.
I’m very relieved to hear that you found an understanding person in your fiance’s mother and that you will have a place to stay while you work things out. This will take a lot of the pressure off you and get rid of some of the anxiety.
Your attitude towards your relationship is admirable because you are prepared to let your fiance go if she needs to.
I humbly and with great respect have to say that when I hear about your experience with the colostomy bag, it just reminds me that your situation is a true test of the human spirit.
I hear the justified anger now in your words; and am thinking that suicide would be you taking that anger out on yourself. So I’m glad that you don’t really want to do it.
Now you have a failsafe place to stay if necessary and you need this kind of help while you work through your situation.
In my experience the more torturous the trial, the more great the blessings afterwards.