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I am mid 30s in the US and the last 3-4 years have been a haze of completely random medical crisis after crisis, I've almost died due to Diverticulitis/Sepsis, and every 6 months I have an L5 spinal disc that hernias and renders me in constant absolutely shocking pain.
My employer is at their end with me taking a full 3 months of FMLA yearly, made it clear I will be let go if I do not return to work despite being physically broken, and I am hitting a point where the mental pain of all this outweighs the physical pain.
I don't want to kill myself at all, but I'm at a point where I don't really want to keep fighting to stay alive either, I feel like a broken human burden on everyone in my life which has hurt more than any physical pain I'm experiencing.
I have stopped caring about what meds I mix, I won't intentionally OD myself, but the risk of death as a side effect feels more like what I deserve for needing to medicate myself 24/7 and is a side effect not of mixing meds but of being a broken human body that needs to finish dying.
It breaks my heart because I feel like expressing this despair to anyone in my life is gonna be another malfunction, my eyes tear up typing that, as I already feel physically vulnerable and now mentally collapsing quickly.
I'm not intentionally driving my car into a light pole, but I feel at this point I've let go of the steering wheel, to let my life drive itself off the road into a fiery wreck as it will on it's own natural course.
I am worried losing my job / health insurance within the month is basically a death sentence, I am not sure how to navigate this situation and its fast approaching with my ability to walk almost completely currently gone.
The worst part is my back can be fixed, but going homeless while paralyzed in Winter? How does anyone survive that? Do I throw myself on the mercy of my employer to not fire me? Burden someone else's life with my problems?
I feel the fiery wreck of my life in the near future, and I have no idea what on Earth to do, but so far I've kept myself together thinking maybe tomorrow will be better. It never is, it's a constant decline in physical and mental health, and its snowballing fast 😕
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