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Hello, this is my first time posting in this discussion. Let me give a brief summary of what has happened over the last year ( and a bit)
Over a year ago, I lost my Dad to cancer, he was battling it for 6 months before he passed, 3-4 months of that was in hospital. 2 weeks of that in ICU. There are certain images (that I don't want to go into detail about) that pop into my head every now and again, but I push them aside and don't pay attention to them. I know I should, but I'm afraid to.
Ever since he died, I've found it near impossible to show my emotions to anyone. It's not that I don't want to, it's like my body is blocking me from. I lie awake at night, thinking the world will be better off without me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this any longer. I went to counselling, for about 5 weeks, and hated every second of it. After the first two sessions I lied to the counsellor about how I was feeling, saying I felt 100 times better...just so I could get out of there.
Before my Dad passed, he told me to look after my mother. Which I have been trying to do, but I can't do anything to help her grieve, except be there for her. I'm not able for the pressure. I don't show any emotion because if I do, she'll get upset, and then I feel like I'm not looking after her.
It's hard, looking at all my friends, happy.. with no worries in the world, while I'm here looking after my mother. I keep being told I should be out with friends, which I try to do.... but I'm exhausted.
I wish this was a nightmare, but then I realise I'm still here. I don't know how long i can keep this act going. I'm petrified of what's going to happen when I finally do let my guard down. I've only broke down twice over the last year and a half. And both times turned into a massive panic attack.
I don't know what to do, I don't think I have anyone who I can talk to about how I feel.
Any replies are much appreciated, Jack
P.S. Sorry if I rambled on.
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