Hard times getting worse

Posted , 12 users are following.

Hello, this is my first time posting in this discussion. Let me give a brief summary of what has happened over the last year ( and a bit)

Over a year ago, I lost my Dad to cancer, he was battling it for 6 months before he passed, 3-4 months of that was in hospital. 2 weeks of that in ICU. There are certain images (that I don't want to go into detail about) that pop into my head every now and again, but I push them aside and don't pay attention to them. I know I should, but I'm afraid to.

Ever since he died, I've found it near impossible to show my emotions to anyone. It's not that I don't want to, it's like my body is blocking me from. I lie awake at night, thinking the world will be better off without me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this any longer. I went to counselling, for about 5 weeks, and hated every second of it. After the first two sessions I lied to the counsellor about how I was feeling, saying I felt 100 times better...just so I could get out of there.

Before my Dad passed, he told me to look after my mother. Which I have been trying to do, but I can't do anything to help her grieve, except be there for her. I'm not able for the pressure. I don't show any emotion because if I do, she'll get upset, and then I feel like I'm not looking after her.

It's hard, looking at all my friends, happy.. with no worries in the world, while I'm here looking after my mother. I keep being told I should be out with friends, which I try to do.... but I'm exhausted.

I wish this was a nightmare, but then I realise I'm still here. I don't know how long i can keep this act going. I'm petrified of what's going to happen when I finally do let my guard down. I've only broke down twice over the last year and a half. And both times turned into a massive panic attack.

I don't know what to do, I don't think I have anyone who I can talk to about how I feel.

Any replies are much appreciated, Jack

P.S. Sorry if I rambled on.

4 likes, 13 replies

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Very sorry to hear about your father. I can understand everything you've talked about here because I have experienced some of the same things with my grandad dying. I just want to let you know that if you want to, you can always message me on here for anything

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  • Posted

    Hello Jack

    I read through what you have said, it sadens me that you are so lost. I am so sorry for your loss of your father. Feelings compund us to the extent that we find it difficult to actually feel anything and recalling is way too painful - I undesrstand. 

    We try and function as best we can, we care for others where being seen to be coping and ok(ish) on the surface, is way better than having to face the depth of our pain. To contemplate the anguish we would feel is way too much for us to bear so compunding it lets us breathe even for a short time. I call it surface washing which rarely works and we are left in turmoil and feelings of helplessness.

    You have clearly gone through so much pain and are finding it difficult to reach internally to even be a little easy on yourself. I don't want to talk about me here as that's the last thing you need. What i'll explain is this...

    I too lost Dad 11 months ago he was the rock that steadied my life, similar to you I got 6 months with him from diagnosis of cancer to when he passed away, hospitalised for all of that time, the poor soul eventaully came home to rest and he left us after only one month of beng at home. I would not have been able to understand what you are going through before this happened in my life. I know the pain, waking up for a split second thinking he's there and the realisation of him not being here is insurmountable.

    I too stayed with Mum afterward for a few months to try and ease the burden and the pain only to find I forgot about me. Too busy reltelesly caring for all around me, I broke and hid away - I'm still hiding.

    All i can say is be easy on you, let the pain in little by little as this will lead the way to your acceptance and eventual recovery, it won't happen straight away as you will already know though it will start to let you see that you are a person who needs support and help too. Then you may even find that you can handle therpay or something similar. As there are stages of grief and everyone is different in theirs.

    My heart goes out to you as I have not fully come to terms with it all. It's a whirlwind of emotion that if not felt, boils up inside and will cause more pain.

    I am truly sorry.

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  • Posted

    Hi jack, u didnt ramble. I feel so bad for u as i joined this forum after my stepdad passed away in sept from cancer. He was there for us after my dad also died from lung cancer wen i was aged 8. It triggered so so many bad memories of how ill they looked. So i totally get how u dont want to even revisit that x my dad also told us kids to look after mum. A hard job to do as she was and still is an alchoholic so we all felt we let him down. We were just kids but i get that like u say u dont wanna mention it incase u upset yr mum etc or urself.bless you. I hope with time u will be able to focus and remember all the good happy memories u all shared. Big hug jack. Xx
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  • Posted

    Sorry about losing your dad. That must have been a major loss. I think the only way to go forward is by doing what your father wanted. He doesn't want his death ruin your life. In his honour you need let him go. None of us are here forever and u need to live the rest of your life at peace. Please honour your father and remember the good times you had with him. Hope this helps


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    • Posted

      Thats so true. I have lost both my father & stepfather recently the pain is sometimes impossible to bear. But he was the happiest of souls he would want me to be nothing but happy xxx and in both cases i was so glad theyr'e suffering is over xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Jack:

    Sounds like a very difficult situation. I acknowledge your pain and suffering. It must really suck sometimes.

    Losing your father. Having painful images. Feeling responsible for your mother. Having unsuccessful therapy sessions.

    Very rough stuff.

    I do admire your brain power. And your courage to share. Just by sharing you help others. So I respectfully disagree - the world would not be better without you.

    What you shared helped me. So thank you.

    You're a smart guy. You will figure this out. Does that mean that the pain and frustration will simply vanish? Nope.

    But you are smart and you will figure this out.

    You already discovered the strength of using the internet to connect with others!

    Just a reminder: when I feel overly responsible for the health and welfare of others I remember that everyone has their guardian angels. I can simply listen to people share their pain. I don't have to fix anyone. I don't have to advise anyone. I simply have to listen. And that's it!

    I also have to remind people that sometimes thins are indeed awful and difficult. But I also remind them that Rey has the brain power to get through things.

    You are smart and resourceful. And sharing your struggle has helped me! So thank you!

    And you are not responsible for your mom's feelings. She can be sad. That's fine. You can give her a hug. Simply validate her feelings and say, "Mom, sounds like difficult feelings you're experiencing..."

    That's it. You don't have to change her feelings. Simply acknowledge her feelings. No more. No less.

    Hang in there buddy! And thank you again for helping me!

    Cheers and best,


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  • Posted

    Dont feel sorry for your father. He has been released from pain and is much better in peace now. So dont entertain those painful images. These are over. Visualise your father in happiness and peace, as he is actually and really NOW. It is a truth of metaphysics and scriptures. 

    While you take care of your mother, take a little time off for yourself. Our innermost origin is divine. Have unshaking and absolue faith. Dont dwell on negative. it is dwelling on negative which makes it worse. All shall be fine. Be searcher of Truth, rather than being swayed by temporary external events. Behind these external events lies great truth. 

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  • Posted

    Hi jack57270, while you may find it difficult to talk to someone your post shows that you are ready to express your state of mind at least in a written form. 

    When I first got the news that someone near had died I felt absolutely nothing, I was completely numb. Much later, I was on the phone talking to a friend. I could hear myself telling the bad news. At that moment, it became reality to me and I was overwhelmed by the sudden feeling of loss. I am mentioning this because expressing ourselves can sometimes help us process our emotions. 

    You had a negative experience with counselling. Maybe you felt put on the spot, or just did not want to open up to some know-it-all who tells you that over time you will feel better.   

    Have you considered that your mum might be in a similar position, afraid to burden you with her grief? 

    Being there for her could mean many little things: a friendly word, a hug, a walk through a park, a call, time spent together. Have you ever asked how your parents met? Let her tell you stories about when you were little. Share past memories. In time, you might be able to help each other reenforce the memory of a loving husband and dad instead of remembering him as a frail patient in a hospital ward.   


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  • Posted

    Jack you are battling with a number of things and when I feel like that I can't cope either. You can't do anything for your Mum except be there. She is grieving and you can't make that go away. You are also grieving. It's almost a year since my Dad died of Cancer and I also saw things I can never unsee and which.i can't get past. I am told it's a form of PTSD but getting help for it is not easy. Grief is exhausting and if you add in the stress you feel about taking care of your Mum and the flashbacks you are having it's understandable that you feel this way. Listen to your own instincts, rest when you can and if you need to, do what I do, lock the bathroom door and have a good old cry. I wish you could have gained from Counselling but it's not for everyone. Just take little steps at a time, don't try and make everything better at once.

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  • Posted

    Hi jack - sorry to read of your situation. It has been over a year since your father has died. Although we grieve in our own time, things should have moved on by now and the situation should be easier. You are not able to move on because you are under the influence of your mother, whom your father has told you to look after. You have to mind your emotions around her and this habit has repressed what you are feeling. You haven't been allowed to grieve in your own way. I wonder if perhaps you might try a grief therapist to help you express what you are feeling since you cannot do it around your mum? It's about releasing pent up emotion. You will feel better about it and it will avert any future breakdowns.

    Like many here, i lost my dad 4 years ago. He had suffered heart probs for years and was 89. Having nursed the dying i have developed the belief that death is just a transition when the body is too worn out to go on. Consciousness continues. I would suggest that your Dad wouldn't want you mired or trapped in your grief as that is not purposeful. 

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  • Posted

    Jack, my condolences to you and your family. I couldn't imagine losing my father. My best advice to you is to let of all those emotions and have that moment of sadness. Don't bottle anything in or it'll get worse trust me.

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