Heads in a muddle!!!!

Posted , 6 users are following.

Unsure how to put this across as I can't type as fast as my head. Lets try and make some sense here. Friday moving offices, I am responsible for lots of different aspects no one really helped me how ever many times I asked getting so p"""" off fed up angry frustrated, Self h""" art work quite a few times this week. Got upset, cried etc, took drugs to try and keep calm, end of Friday few drinks with the die hards then out for a meal and more alcohol no one was interested really in going out ended up being me and one other guy most of the night he was going home at 8 we got chucked out at 1am. We both talked about a lot of things I think I opened up more than I should off but he is studying psychology and seemed intrigued interested in my emotions feelings how I ticked etc, he also told me about his depression and problems too, Walked along the high street he turned off to go home. Now the problem starts I didn;t want ot go home, I lost around 3 hrs I think and I was soaking wet I had gone into the sea of the jetty not necessarily to drown but because I could, taken my watch off too left my hand bag. No idea how long I was in the water. didn't swim in the end.but do remember thinking I could swim out to the boats. Sat for ages dripping wet still didn;'t feel cold. got taxi home must of been around 4ish can't remember rang Samaritans after dropping all my wet clothes on the kitchen floor, opened up about a lot more things again i had never told anyone then bed. Up by 12 as had nightmares. Met a pal for drink and cake, home no alcohol head still racing up for work overtime why on a Sunday no idea as I hate the place. Chatted to the other member of staff who I don't really like, wnrt shopping then drove like a mad woman it was as if a blind, shadow came down over my eyes, mind head I don;t know driving down a tunnel I know I got up over 90mph bad I know but whatever almost felt as if I was possessed. I felt like Jekyll an Hyde Then go home, put shopping away as if nothing has happened. 

Still no diagnosis from the tests I had, got to have more x rays, body hurts got stronger painkillers from GP but don't take them how I should cos I want to or feel the need to either feel the pain or abuse my body to make it hurt. Does any of this make sense??? It doesn't really to me. I'm really struggling but don't know how to put explain things. Stuff it button going to be pressed.

Do I speak to the Dr tomorrow? ignore all this hoping it will go away? give up? keep fighting until things go more wrong or right?

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19 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Tina

    Sounds like you have been having a up and down sort of weekend.

    What do you take regards Painkillers and ADs, how much did you drink ?

    However I would advice because of the complexities above you need to talk to your GP, you mention tests, what I would advise in the future when you have tests is ask for a copy of your test results, you are entitled to that and your copy can arrive earlier than the GPs copy, as their copy may not get through straight away.

    Make a list for tomorrow and also make a list of any points not mentioned here when you attend the Surgery tomorrow.

    Regards the problems there get a large bit of paper and list out what needs to be done on removal itemise each period so it flows in an efficient order. for example room 1 room 2 etc, then split up each room or department into a flow list, that may help, do the reverse for the new building


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    • Posted

      Hi Bob

      Thanks for replying bit more than an up and down weekend seems to be going on for weeks, months. I take migralieve for my migraines, ibuprofen which has just been prescribed with some pill to take to protect my stomach as I don't eat regularly, paracetamols at times, amitriptyline on occasions just for the fun of it, not on any AD's as advised they don't really help with BPD or emotionally unstable disorder as advised by psychiatrist. Drink too much can go few days with none then get really p"""" off and a bottle of wine will disappear binge eat or don't eat all day.

      Test results had two lung biopsies no conclusions but they don't think it is cancer now, third biopsy was not completed as the enlarged lymph nodes they were going for had decreased a tiny bit in size got to have another appointment for further x rays and scans to see if it is still improving, even they don't know what it is but my body hurts around my chest. stomach where these enlarged nodes are.

      List for Dr got to get an appointment first, feel as if she is fed up of me all she now offers is a med cert!!!!!! OHS union and my boss feel as if them and the whole world is against me, try to make list and prioritise but customers always come first then things just go out the window I loose it, to get rid of my frustration anger take drugs (diazepam) start all over again. Just so confused, muddled, fed up, tired mentally and physically. Just want to give in but got to wait until after Christmas as my sister is coming to stay again.

      keep going to people for help but feel as if I am drowning, sometime really do wish I was.

      Anyway enough about me, how are all your exams going is that them all finished now, are you waiting for the spring to get your boat, I do hope you manage it and get out on the water to test your skills and enjoy yourselves after all your hard work you both deserve it. As I said before if you do manage to get up my way PM me maybe we can meet up.

      thanks again

      Tina xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina. So glad that you wrote into us you will find kind and caring people here. It's obvious that you are suffering but when I got to the bottom of your email I starting trying to figure out if your pain is coming from a physical issue or not. Is it physical and you're waiting for results from tests? Diane

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    • Posted

      Hi Diane

      It is physical results i am waiting for but following all the tests I have had so far, sarcoidosis, lung cancer, lymohonma or infection has been mentioned so I am no further forward. Everything happened so quick which is good but no time to absorb it all now I have to wait another 2-4 weeks for further X rays etc. All this is not helping with my mental health which is very unstable at present. Hope that makes it clearer. 


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    • Posted

      Hi I think you are under unbearable stress with everything that is happening.  Not only are you trying to sort out work without help but waiting for tests and results must be incredibly stressful.  To make it even worse you have the pressure of Christmas too.  No wonder all this and the meds you are on are messing with your head so much.

      I would lay off the alcohol completely at the moment and try and get into a proper routine of eating and sleeping sensibly.  I know this will be hard but it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

      As for work why not tell your boss what is happening and ask her/him to give you some official help?  Or even see if you can be completely relieved of the responsibility.  I presume work know what you are going through at the moment so they should be sympathetic. 

      No matter how busy you are take some time out for yourself to just chill and if this means taking some sick leave then do it.  Do you have any holidays you can take now?  x


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    • Posted

      Hi Hypercat

      thanks for your reply laying off the alcohol I do try but then things build up and i need to forget blank/pass out I do try distraction etc but my head just keeps going round and round plus it stop me from going out driving in the evenings, most probably an excuse at the moment but I know when I get in a right state I will go out and do irresponsible things so safer staying in the house, 

      Work well that is a difficult one I have had run ins with my line manager recently basically they have supported me enough and just got to get on with it, the recommendations from last OHS Dr's face to face been told majority of her recommendations are not feasable, got another telephone appointment next Tuesday in the new office no private room available as the only meeting room is booked so I am going to sit in my car in the car park. Was signed off for two weeks a while back but do not know if I will get paid end of December cos of all the other time I have had off. It is do tempting to tell them to stuff it.

      I am unable to take holidays as they are all arranged a year in advance, just put in leave requests for 2018,

      I just want to give up, I'm tired of all this juggling. Might go off sick again at least I did feel more relaxed  last time even did housework, no wonder it snowed,

      you take care to xx

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    • Posted

      Well at least you can tell work that you don't want to be responsible for moving offices.  Tell them you have enough on your plate at the moment without worrying about that and let others take it over.  You need to take as much pressure and stress off yourself at the moment as possible and work should understand that.  It would be better than going off sick again as well.  x


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    • Posted

      Thanks been there tried that the OHS recommendations are not feasible, just deal with it and get on with it the department have done enough to help you words from my manager, if you are not able to do it then should I be at work. Sorry I;m home f*****raging so tempted to go out and just don't know what get P**** or Sel* harm I know that isn;t the answer just talked or ranted at the Samaritans but she had to go end of her shift or whatever I don't know everything I've tried today is wrong or had to be changed or is it just me seeing everything wrong, Even my yogurt exploded in my lunch bag so that got chucked in the bin not eaten today either taken diazepam to try and keep calm had to apologise to two people at work cos I lost it and stormed out. I'm just so wound up and do not know a safe way to get rid of this at the moment, breathing tried that, TV on trying to answer quiz Questions, p**** people off driving home as I was too close so they pulled over they wern;t driving fast enough for me yes I know it is bad not thoughtful but the red curtain was down. Hopefully I will feel better after typing this and not broken any keys. 

      Try and make myself eat something but feel sick and fat, bloated, I just hate myself and the way I am.........

      And breath..............Sorry folks just need to get rid of this xxxxxx

      Got GP appointment tomorrow afternoon and this OHS in the morning so yet more stress....stinking headache too. I'm just so sorry for everything.

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    • Posted

      Sorry Tina I still don't get why you have to be responsible for moving offices?  This is nothing to do with OHS or your normal work is it?  I assumed your boss asked you to be responsible for it as an extra?  If so tell your boss sorry but you can't handle the extra work at the moment,  or make sure he gives you help.   

      I am sorry if I have misunderstood you.  x


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    • Posted

      Sorry if I haven't made myself clear it was the whole office moving to a new building, IT people did that part but  everyone was responsible for their own desk but due to all the other responsibilities I had I not only had my desk etc to do but all the other paperwork, files etc for these jobs one included finance which has to be kept secure.  While i am trying to sort out stuff then being told can't put that here move it here, no that isn't right and so on, two other members of staff are laughing and having fun putting up the Christmas tree. It just winds me up when I am so stressed out or am I being unfair? During this time the office is still open to the public not that many came in but as it is my job I had to deal with majority of them too, hard to explain. Might be better tomorrow rolleyes been saying that for ages. I'm just so tired of trying to stick up for myself and protect me or my rights being mentally ill but as it has been going in for a few years I feel as if the management think I should be OK when i'm not. I just don't know anything anymore and want to just give up.......sorry for the moan again and again and again. I just wish I could run away from everything. better shut up now.

      Thank you for your support and kindness iI do appreciate it that does include everyone on here. xx

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  • Posted

    Tina, babe I'm so sorry you're all over the place and no wonder. Your brain is trying to make sense of it all and right now it's not winning! Sounds like you're in a high pressure job where targets are an issue maybe?? On top of that you've got health issues. Friday night sounds bad... Alcohol (My favourite enemy) and drugs definitely get you that Jekyll and Hyde effect, and depression can lose you time - i remember driving like i wanted to die. You do need to go to to dr when you can just so it's on record angel. And if the only thing that keeps you going is your sister's visit then that's OK too. 

    We know how it is, I promise.... Just carry on with as much dignity as you can and ffs be KIND to yourself!!! xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi everyone a small update OHS phone call went ok got upset, angry etc she will re iterate what the Dr said to see if any thing can be changed to help me. My GP appointment told her majority of stuff and yes including losing hours and being in the sea etc so I have been signed off again for 3 weeks. She will try and chase up the therapy I have been waiting for to assist me with controlling my unstable emotions.  Texted my boss so got to go in tomorrow for 9am for a chat!!! hand over all the finance security stuff and then what??? Try and look after me, be kind to myself how I do not know? Try not to get p^^^^^ keep out of trouble and do house work place is a tip and rest physically and mentally or try.

    Thank you all genuinely for the support on here as if I didn't have this release and support I think I would of been dead by now, you never know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you XXX

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