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Heads in a muddle!!!!

Posted , 6 users are following.

tina89895
tina89895

Unsure how to put this across as I can't type as fast as my head. Lets try and make some sense here. Friday moving offices, I am responsible for lots of different aspects no one really helped me how ever many times I asked getting so p"""" off fed up angry frustrated, Self h""" art work quite a few times this week. Got upset, cried etc, took drugs to try and keep calm, end of Friday few drinks with the die hards then out for a meal and more alcohol no one was interested really in going out ended up being me and one other guy most of the night he was going home at 8 we got chucked out at 1am. We both talked about a lot of things I think I opened up more than I should off but he is studying psychology and seemed intrigued interested in my emotions feelings how I ticked etc, he also told me about his depression and problems too, Walked along the high street he turned off to go home. Now the problem starts I didn;t want ot go home, I lost around 3 hrs I think and I was soaking wet I had gone into the sea of the jetty not necessarily to drown but because I could, taken my watch off too left my hand bag. No idea how long I was in the water. didn't swim in the end.but do remember thinking I could swim out to the boats. Sat for ages dripping wet still didn;'t feel cold. got taxi home must of been around 4ish can't remember rang Samaritans after dropping all my wet clothes on the kitchen floor, opened up about a lot more things again i had never told anyone then bed. Up by 12 as had nightmares. Met a pal for drink and cake, home no alcohol head still racing up for work overtime why on a Sunday no idea as I hate the place. Chatted to the other member of staff who I don't really like, wnrt shopping then drove like a mad woman it was as if a blind, shadow came down over my eyes, mind head I don;t know driving down a tunnel I know I got up over 90mph bad I know but whatever almost felt as if I was possessed. I felt like Jekyll an Hyde Then go home, put shopping away as if nothing has happened. 

Still no diagnosis from the tests I had, got to have more x rays, body hurts got stronger painkillers from GP but don't take them how I should cos I want to or feel the need to either feel the pain or abuse my body to make it hurt. Does any of this make sense??? It doesn't really to me. I'm really struggling but don't know how to put explain things. Stuff it button going to be pressed.

Do I speak to the Dr tomorrow? ignore all this hoping it will go away? give up? keep fighting until things go more wrong or right?

1 like, 19 replies

19 Replies

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  • tina89895
    tina89895

    Posted

    Hi everyone a small update OHS phone call went ok got upset, angry etc she will re iterate what the Dr said to see if any thing can be changed to help me. My GP appointment told her majority of stuff and yes including losing hours and being in the sea etc so I have been signed off again for 3 weeks. She will try and chase up the therapy I have been waiting for to assist me with controlling my unstable emotions.  Texted my boss so got to go in tomorrow for 9am for a chat!!! hand over all the finance security stuff and then what??? Try and look after me, be kind to myself how I do not know? Try not to get p^^^^^ keep out of trouble and do house work place is a tip and rest physically and mentally or try.

    Thank you all genuinely for the support on here as if I didn't have this release and support I think I would of been dead by now, you never know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you XXX

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane tina89895

    Posted

    Hi Tina this is best..best news. Thank you for letting us know this and I hope you will continue to keep us posted as you know by now we really care! Diane
  • tina89895
    tina89895

    Posted

    Went into work to see my boss hand in my med cert, found out other members of staff had complained about me and my behaviour on Monday he wouldn't say who so I couldn't apologise to them. Got angry upset about few other things so felt even more Fing useless, he said am I using my illness as a way to get out of work? I have got to sort myself out get help push for this therapy and look after myself. After I left I cried sobbed my heart out and just wanted to end it all.Just don't see any point anymore.

     Even went into Dr;s surgery to see emergency Dr as didn't feel safe receptionist was ages on the phone so F it and left drove out to a beach the one I really like spent aged wandering along watching the huge waves debating!!! Only got wet up to my thighs the water was cold very cold the sea was rough and inviting, the beach was deserted for a while I was alone and desperate and at peace for once. 

    I've taken pain killers for my chest making me very sleepy no alcohol for a change, unsure what I;m saying really but thanks I just feel dead inside there is nothing left, the fight has gone, my light has dimmed just flickering,

    Tina x

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