Hello?? Anybody there? I'm desperate!!
Posted , 8 users are following.
People... Anybody? Pls chat! I'm desperate at moment! Anxiety is unbearable and I don't know what to do. I cannot think straight. I may have to finish my relationship with my partner bcus he makes me feel more anxious! How can that be right? I'm thinking that I'd be better off spending my life alone as a single 42 year old childless woman with a dog. I just can't deal with ups n downs, if I stay alone I won't have the ups n downs that relationships cause and I'll be more in control. My partner of three years is lovely but has a temper/ angry side and bcus I've seen it a few times I cannot Unsee it, and I see it when I look at him sometimes. I don't know if what I'm feeling is real or not. I just feel scared.. I want to go to bed and never wake up again. It's all too much. I can't stop having diarrhoea and sickly turns. I can't stop it. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't cope! Help......
2 likes, 83 replies
richard89308 Anxy
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Anxy richard89308
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He is changeable and unpredictable especially in social situations. He drinks quite regular and one example...I booked a hotel and dinner for his birthday and he started eating leftovers of other people's plates around our table. When I told him next day once he was sober he didn't believe me! He makes me anxious and I can't settle. He runs people down aggressively and i feel embarrassed. My dad was angry and aggressive and I think it's replaying it in my head. I'm not myself anymore. I'm being false and trying to keep the peace. Does this make sense?
Actiquser Anxy
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cia42277 Actiquser
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Well said Actiquser
tess33005 Anxy
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Yes, it does, Anxy. And you don't need to waste another minute of your life trying to keep the peace, and being afraid, honey. xxxx
richard89308 Anxy
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The eating of other people's food is interesting lol.
I should be clinical and get rid with your safety in mind should he flare up so plan it carefully and involve the police or social services if you feel vulnerable.
tess33005 richard89308
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He did, however, burst into the house without warning once I was remarried and beat up my new husband.
richard89308 tess33005
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thanks for the reply
Anxy richard89308
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Yes... The good thing, he was hungry and we had soup as stater,waiting for our mains ( on a shared table) with random strangers. To my horror my drunken boyfriend started mopping up the left over soup from others dishes that they had finished with!! Everyone was staring and I was so embarrassed but knew if I pulled him up over it he would kick off. He not usually always like that, he has a really lovely side to him and I know he loves me, but his unpredictable ways are making it a roller coaster ride for me. My nerves are often shredded!! Even him driving and getting road rage is making me worry. He once stopped his car in middle of an island and tried to confront another driver, I was yelling at him to get back in car and leave. It made me I'll when we got home. Sometimes he is very crude in front of our mstes( he sees it as joking) but I'm squirming as I thing people are disgusted bcus he goes too far. I've tried to tell him but he just can't change. It's no fun going anywhere with him when he's in that mood, I'm the one dreading consequences whilst he is just happy and not bothered. Maybe I'm over sensitive, I'm always looking for danger and trying to avoid it at all costs but I feel I can't do that with my bloke, do this make sense? I'm torn as I don't think I can be with anyone ever again, I've come to the end of the road so this is a life choice for me, stay on the roller coaster or get off and take the calm lonely road but at least I'll feel safe and at ease. What do u think my friend?
Anxy richard89308
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richard89308 Anxy
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richard89308 Anxy
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tess33005 richard89308
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Quite right, Richard.
ANXY - Please don't even consider that anything you will change him - women are SO GOOD at thinking we can change men - but we can't.
I expect it works the other way, unless........no, hang on a minute - it you're with a controlling, aggresive man, he WILL change you to suit himself. Oh, and men who suffer domestic violence from women are in the same boat.
Please don't reconsider, Anxy. And be VERY careful when you tell him he has to leave - have some handy male relatives or friends around - hiding, if necessary - so you are protected.
Never underestimate violent men - mine not only assaulted my new husband, but soon after the break-up, he got into the house and tried to rape me. I knew him well enough to just submit - but although I absolutely didn't want sex with him, he seemed to think that because we hadn't actually divorced he was 'entitled.' But before he actually did it, he suddenly changed his mind - maybe because I'd taken the first step, got him out of the house legally and had a restrainiing order - possibly he figured I would report the rape, if it had happened - to the police. And I would have done!
Got stronger locks put on all the doors - but he still got in again, ages afterwards, and assaulted my new husband.
Never see him now and neither do his children - they hate him and are afraid of him, although they are grown up now. When they were much younger he had his weekend custody and took them to see his mum - a long journey - and got angry with them for nothing. So he stopped on the hard shoulder of the M1 and pulled my daughter out violently from the car, injuring her, and my son followed quickly. Wonderdad then drove off and left them, horrified aand terrified, and with no money on the hard shoulder. Can you believe that????????????????????????
They climbed over the barrier and began to walk - they found a station and told the ticket man what had happened. What a Good Samaritan. he called me and I gave him my credit card number for tickets for the two kids, then the man assured me that he'd make sure they got on the right train.
When I met them they were unbelievably traumatised. You haven't mentioned children, Anxy, but I'm just trying to warn you of the possible hazards to yourself once this guy has moved out. Please be brave.
Actiquser tess33005
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You have been so brave Tess and I am so happy you have a good life now.
Well Done .
It's difficult to break free of control but once you do you have found that there is another better life out there waiting for you.
Anxy think about it its waiting for you too.
Anxy tess33005
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Omg tess! That is truly terrifying! What a nasty person to do that to the kids?! I just don't understand people at times. You must have been so angry! You did well to get through all that I must say, did it make you fear men in the future too?
tess33005 Anxy
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No. Absolutely not. You will find that women who have gone through an abusive relationship, and left and picked up their lives again, have 'antennae' for dangerous men. For example, when I worked as a midwife, I KNEW when my poor lady going through labour with her husband, had a violent one on her hands - not because of anything the women did, but because I can spot violent men at a hundred miles now.
I was a Community Midwife, too, and I had an (undelivered) woman on my books. I knew as soon as I did her first ante-natal visit that she was in trouble.
I called again, unannounced, and simply asked her if things were ok, because she was looking worried.
Out came the whole story..............kicking her pregnant abdomen, bruising her (but not anywhere it showed) I'm telling you, this woman was utterly terrified of the 'Mr Nice Guy' I'd met at the first visit.
What to do? Well, interestingly I had recently attended a course for midwives run by the police, about domestic violence with particular reference to pregnant women. My Senior Midwife also attended. We'd known each other for years and she knew my story.
I got up and faced everyone and told my story to a whole room of people who I didn't know (apart from M.) I had to, because I sensed a feeling amongst the midwives that only women in Social Class Five would be affected by this. I told them I was a Senior Sister and Community Midwife - then out came the story. People were crying at the end. A policewoman came and hugged me. I saw shocked faces amongst the midwives (IT HAPPENED TO ONE OF US??????)
When I made it back to my seat beside M she said, "I wondered if you'd do that, Tess. Well done."
So, back to terrified patient who I shall Ann. I told her to pack a bag and I'd admit her to the hospital! Which I duly did. Ann spent two nights with no diagnosis (other than escaping domestic violence) and then her mother sent her her plane fare home.
She sent me a card and a photo of the baby a few weeks later - she was fine.
Another success for Bat Midwife!!!!
helen20833 tess33005
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tess33005 helen20833
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Yes, when I made my final decision to leave it was odd' My charming husband complained because I hadn't put any sugar in his tea. He went to work and I thought, OKAY - THAT'S IT. WE HAVE TO GO.
First I called my sister. Then I called the police, to stay with me while I packed as much as I could for the kids, just incase he'd forgotten anything and might come back for it. Then I went first to the Nursery and picked up my three year old son, explaining to the teachers why I had to go NOW. They helped me get my son in the car - I suddenly had a group of women around me, to make sure I drove off safely......then I drove to the Infants School and barged into the Head Teacher's room and gasped out that I had to take my daughter - right now. She ran to x's class, had a thirty second whispered conversation with the class teaacher, then said, Will you come with me, please, X. You'rre not in trouble. Again women teachers helped me get away wiwth both kids.
I didn't feel safe till we got to my sister's. But oh yes! Relief!! It was a wonderful feeling. I felt unafraid for the first time in years. I t was wonderful and empowering.
By the way, I must add something to my last post to Anxy, about whether I was afraid of all men afterwards.
I forgot to say that the vast majority of men are good people who wouldn't dream of damaging a woman in any way at all.
helen20833 tess33005
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Aw, my eyes filled with tears at your vivid description. It's wonderful that you carved out a good life for yourself and your children and no one deserves it more!
You forgot to put sugar in his tea? Sigh. Freaking unbelievable. Yet funny what can generate a breaking point. I knew a woman who for years suffered psychological abuse from her husband. One day when he was at work she packed her bags and put them in the boot of her car, dropped her kids off at her Mother's then made her dear husband a steak and kidney pie with onion gravy,( his favourite,) for his tea.
When he returned home, as per usual complaining that the house wasn't cleaned to his standard, that she looked like sh*te ( his words not mine) and a whole host of other complaints he finally sat down and ate his meal. And she, nursing a mug of tea laced with brandy ( for courage) watched him eat every morsel.
Then without a word she rose from the table, went into the hall, donned her coat and left the house, never to return.
On the way in the car to her Mother's she pulled over and telephoned him.And she told him,
" Hope you enjoyed your meal because it's the last I'll ever cook for you. I hope it was tasty. It should be, I added dog meat and dog doo..You treated me like shit for years and now it's my turn. "
Then she hung up.
Addendum.
She was in her early forties then. Met a nice normal man, lived a nice normal life. She had what I believed is termed a change of life baby bang on the cusp of menopause.
A little girl they named Hope
And that says it all I think