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Started on Mirtazapine 15mg last night. Terrible day today done nothing but sleep and stare at the wall. Haven't cut myself but scratched myself with a key to make

Marks. Really want to disappear. I know they say give it time to work but how can you when you're in constant pain? 2-4 weeks is a long time. Been on sertraline 50mg and citalopram 10mg briefly previous to this. Both had side effects so doc advised to stop. Rang Samaritans earlier having been too scared to for days. Couldn't have been less helpful. I'm

So low and I despise myself. I want to die

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi there, hang in there, Mirtz will make you drowsy, just relax with it. Also call your Dr and tell him your problem for your reasuranse. I'll write more when I get more time today, take care
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  • Posted

    Hi sorry I was in bed , please hang on in there, I was banging on about not being able to do things, how selfish when you are at your wits end. Keep talking to us, we know some of what you feel like. They should kick in in a few days with your head which sounds like what you need, then you may see some light. Keep talking. Take care judith
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  • Posted

    Getting through 1 day at a time is all you can do right now but the meds will make it a little better each day that passes.I'm on mirtazapine and abilify..the mood stabilizers are great for bipolar disorder..I know where you are coming from. I'm a bipolar phsychotic sleep deprivation suffering recovering alcoholic/prescription drug addict..with PTSD..I decided to quit drinking two years ago..I relapsed on a couple of occasions before I realized how depressive it was making me and have since stopped completely I hope.The prescription addiction was the worst. It took 16 years of my life and another 1 for withdrawals..klonopin( the med I was on) is one of the deadliest drugs to withdraw from, worse than heroin I'm told and I fully believe that. I quit cold turkey which I don't reccomend to anyone..taper off if you take this med people. I went through7 months of hell!I couldn't eat lost 30 pounds was down to 95 lbs. Was violently I'll,vomiting diarrhea  skyrocketing blood pressure hospitalizations..I was bedridden for 3 months but I would not go back on it...anyway the bipolar disorder was in full force during this time with mania during which I was productively reckless and major depression which was crippling. I would get mad because the sun was coming up..I wanted to die during these periods..getting my meds adjusted, a lot of therepy and support helped. But..I found one of the if not THEmost important tool in my arsenal  was information. I researched every article I could find on my disorders and this helped me stay ahead of the symptoms. I knew when I was becoming manic or depressed and was proactive in taking steps to head it off..perhaps the most important thing I learned was dealing with the phsychotic breaks.. I'm now able to recognize when I'm having one.in my case the breaks manifest themselves as hallucinations during which I interact with people and things that are not there..my last one occurred while I was cooking dinner.and through the fog I realized what was happening..it really helps to be proactive. Please don't cut..I'm a cutter though its been some time. I know we do it because it takes our focus away from the mental anguish. I see the scars everyday and they are a reminder of how far I've come.For me the great placator was music..all the time,,it was great and still is. At present the sleep deprivation which is a result of the withdrawal/bipolar is my toughest issue. I get maybe 8 hours a week but even that's starting to get better. You know all I can do is share my own story and tell you it does get better but you have to ride it out..remember there should be no shame in being mentally I'll. The brain like the heart lungs kidneys liver etc. Is a major organ and can get sick just as well..people don't attach the stigma to people with cancer, why should they do it to us.. Please continue to post here. The encouragement you get could make all the difference...peace🎼Jude
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    • Posted

      Well what can I say you have and are going through hell, I can't begin to imagine how bad that is, my problems fade into nothing. So what if I can't do things for a while, at least my head is back, that is the worst wanting to not live is the most terrible thing but I was more scared of living than dying. Now any more! We will keep talking. People only call me Jude when they are speacial people, you must be one, how weird is that. What is your name? rolleyes
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  • Posted

    Thanks for the responses. I didn't take my tablet last night which was stupid and drank a bottle of wine (also stupid). Had a big argument with my boyfriend when he got home as he feels like I take my depression out on him, which is probably true to a degree but really wasn't what I needed at that time. Feeling slightly brighter today so will take it easy and see how things go. Thanks again for the support
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    • Posted

      Glad you're feeling better..The ups and downs are normal..but I'm telling you the alcohol is great for masking the anxiety and pain associated with our plight but is a HUGE detriment to recovery..It causes depression...as far as relationships...well most people who don't suffer from it don't get it..one of my favorites is "shake it off". Like we'd choose to feel this way. That's like telling someone to shake off their cancer...alas we can't change other people but...we can change ourselves🎼 Jude
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    • Posted

      So true I went down the drink route and kept up a front for years, only when I stopped drinking did it really take hold! Being kind to yourself is easier said than done, sitting in my dressing gown, think I should get dressed but not going anywhere today so what does it matter. Guilty is what I feel about the whole thing, could I, should I, what if, why etc but there are no answers just have to accept me now. So confusing rolleyes
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