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I do not know where to start. I feel that I am spiraling out of control at the moment. I have managed to upset most if not all of my close friends, made a fool of myself at work on more than one occasion due to my out bursts. I now feel very alone and ignored where I work, they either do not understand or do not want to. My partner is also having a hard time with me. I suffer from depression, anxiety, frustration, stress, sleepless nights, tears etc, etc. I have been on Flux 40mg for several months, I thought they were working but they are not. I am also going to counselling which has helped a great deal with what I thought was wrong. Each rock we turn over another set of questions, more stuff that brings me down and I realise how long I have been off the rails. It has been suggested a change of medication to Venlafaxine the third lot of meds. I feel out of my depth, adrift in the sea of despair, struggling to hold it together, I do not want to return to the dark times but it is pulling me that way. I guess it is the nature of this beast.

Sorry to sound such a moaner and a downer but I was doing really well and now .........not so. Sorry to go on so much. I understand if I sound like I am too much trouble but that is how I feel.

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25 Replies

  • Posted

    Hiya FL, u know wot, av only been on flu for 4 days so it hasnt even had a chance to work its magic, but since av found this site nd started chatten to the people on here, a feel beter already.

    Hopr you feel better soon


  • Posted

    Hi Fruit Loop

    Iwas thinking on Friday that we hadn't heard from you for a while. Are things any better today?

    I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. You are certainly NOT too much trouble. We all need help and reassurance that we can beat this beast. You go on as much as you like. It's far better out than in.

    Keep in touch my dear. X

  • Posted

    Morning Fruit Loop,

    My dear, you sound really down in the dumps....but together we can all get you out of there and get ur feelings at least slightly better about being you.

    You say you don’t know where to start but seems to me you have made a few of the best steps already....admitting there is a problem is the hardest step but you've done that; getting medical advice is the next hardest step and you've done that too; the third hardest step is telling a complete stranger all about your problems in the hope of resolving them and your doing that too with your counsellor - you are in great shape from my perspective and doing as many positive things you can to make yourself better, keep up the good work.

    I can’t help but say you are being too hard on yourself; you are still pushing yourself too hard and maybe need to take a small step back and gather some perspective on what is happening with regards to home life, work life and your personal life.

    Break everything down into smaller more manageable chunks and work thru it slowly, there is no rush to get it all done, as to do so can make you worse.

    Don’t worry about upsetting your close friends, if they are as close as you say they are then they should understand that times are hard and they should be supportive but also forgive you for any outbursts as its not the real you, just a temporary you. The real you will be back but they have just stepped out for a while and left the \"be right back\" sign on the door.

    If you haven’t already, then show them this site and help them understand just how you feel.

    Don’t ever feel you look like a fool when you have an outburst at work, ive done it and im sure a lot of other before us have too - only the ignorant will judge you and make you feel alone and worse purely because they are scared as they don’t understand. Depression is one of the hardest things to live with and no one said it was going to be easy - but it is do-able with the right help, the right support and the will power.

    Have you shown this site to your partner? Hopefully this will help them to see how much you need their support and love. Ive gone to the extreme of getting library books and researching websites to show my missus what’s happening in my head/life. I need her to understand that it’s not a small thing and she’s got to help me or jump ship and let me get thru this without her pressuring me. She’s on board now and making it much easier to get sure your partner will do the same when they fully understand how hard it is.

    I hope my ramble is of some comfort or help to you, I hate seeing wonderful people suffer and want to do all I can to make it easier. Sorry if I sound condescending in any way.

    Hope to hear from you soon FL, all the best.

  • Posted

    Hello all,

    Bless you all for your kind words. I wish I could report I was feeling better. Sorry everyone. I still feel quite low, sit here nearly in tears just thinking about things. Had a really poor day at work. I went to pieces and lost the plot, absolute panic set in. Good job I was on my own, although not really as I was at a remote site. Work (management, I use that term loosely!) and colleagues are not being that supportive, this lead to todays breakdown. Yes I am now being quite hard on myself. I do not know if they have had enough of me or is it me? not thinking clearly? I just want to escape, to run away but the problems will only follow. I was doing so well and then my bubble burst big time, may it I have finally admitted to myself that the fluox is not working that well for me? I will try and post more later when I feel a bit better.

    Take care friends and chat soon. I hope you are all doing ok and I am not bringing anyone down. Bless you all for caring!!! It means a whole lot to me! Thank you.

  • Posted

    Hey FL,

    Im kinda gutted you feel like this as I was hoping to receive a nice positive post from you, but the fact I havent is no big deal. We'll get there one step at a time.....

    Sorry to hear work is still not good, maybe it would be good to take a break if thats possible? Just a few days, a long weekend maybe to relax, unwind and gather your thoughts so you can map out a way thru the next few weeks and get back on the right track.

    Unsupportive people are very common when you're suffering from depression - purely as they have no idea what is really going on in ur life, they think it is something you can just snap out of. But pay as little attention to those people as you can and focus all your energy on yourself and your needs. Its not an easy thing to do but you need to be selfish at this time or it will make things harder in the long term. Make the change now and it will get easier with me.

    I woud say you've brought me down slightly but id be've probably spurred me on more to get rid of this depression and maybe to help others do the same.

    Just try and do something for you and not for other people.....look after number 1 and the other stuff will take care of itself.

    All the best buddy x

  • Posted

    Hello everyone,

    I feel just a little bit better today. I did not go to work either, stuff them! I had a terrible night last night or was it? I was going to contact two old friends, Al and cohol for support and comfort but did not. Went to bed instead at 10pm. As soon as my head hit the pillow my mind kicked in. I lay there mulling things over till about 3am when I finally dropped off. I woke up again at 5am. It has been a very long day. I think I have sorted a few things in my mind so last night was not wasted. I guess for me depression is like being in deep water, the more you struggle and fight the deeper you sink. I have given up struggling and seem to be slowly rising back up to the surface again. I know it is a short post but I will type more later. I just wanted to let you know that I am okay, well better than I was. Thank you all for being there and listening to me and for the wise words and encouragement.

    Bless you all and take care.

  • Posted

    nowadays we are expected to be \"up\" all the time, with the increasing obsession in the media with young people, as well as in real life. this \"i MUST be happy\" is an awful type of perfectionism and i worse than the depression itself

    our climate is also a contributing factor to depression too

  • Posted

    Hi Fruit Loop

    I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better today. smile

    Sorry, i haven't replied to you much but i'm in a weird place myself.

    This sleep thing is a real bugger. I'm tired all day and all evening but when it's time to go to bed, i am alert and the brain is whizzing. Think i'll go nocturnal.

    It's a natural instinct to fight but it really won't work with depression. It's all a waiting game, waiting for the day of improvement.

    I really hope you keep climbing up your ladder now.

    Best wishes. xx :wink:

  • Posted

    Hello Everyone,

    I am having another day off work. I feel too tired to drive or to do my job safely at the moment.

    How is everybody?

    I am feeling okay (ish). Sleep, oh what I would do for a solid night of sleep! I have tried some of the over the counter tablets/solutions from the chemist. They help me nod off but only sleep for about an hour then the brain wakes up. When I do sleep at night or just of late dropping off during the day with out any notice, I have the most strange dreams that seem just too real. I have been woken up a couple of times due to kicking, punching, twitching and shouting. It is now beginning to spoil my partners restful night sleep. I did at the weekend get reality mixed up with a dream and got some funny looks, lucky for me I was at home. Anyone else had similar experience? I would like to know or is it just me? Feel free to ask any questions also, the value of a good chat, shared knowledge/experience or even a laugh I am finding some of the best tonic available.

    I have a counselling session later today, not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not? Wait a moment, it has never done me no harm so it must be good? Sometimes a bit upsetting at times but each session is a small step in the direction of recovery. I would not be here today without it! Tomorrow I have a Dr's. appointment to review my meds/dosage. I have been told that another change may be necessary, oh well if it helps. Any one had experience of 'Venlafaxine'? I have looked at that forum page, nothing too positive on there. That is the next med the Dr. would like me to try. I will let you know how things go. If I do change would you lot mind if I still keep in contact on this forum? It is daft but I feel a sort of bond on here with you lot.

    I have spouted enough for now I think!

    Bless you all, take care and a hug to anyone who needs one. We all do from time to time!

    Fruit Loop x :wink:

  • Posted

    Hi Fruitloop (good name!)

    I've had very vivid dreams since being on ADs - they feel quite cinematic, I really should write them down (though I can never remember them properly in the morning). I don't mind it particularly, though it does mean sleep doesn't feel particularly refreshing.

    I'm not taking fluoxetine any more but I pop by these forums occasionally just to see what's going on. Like you, I took 40mg fluoxetine for a few months but things weren't really getting any better. It took me a long time to realise that, though - it was my first time taking ADs and I found it difficult to know what sort of effect I could expect. My CPN suggested thinking about a change - so I went on trazodone, and then trazodone and venlafaxine for a while. I'm now on amitriptyline which is great for sleep and seems (so far) to be doing ok on the depression front too. There are lots of horror stories about coming off venlafaxine so I was scared about starting them, but when I came off them I had a few days of feeling quite weird (I came off them quickly too as I was in hospital) and that was all. I don't know if it was because I started another AD within a few days but it really wasn't nearly as bad as I'd expected.

    How did your counselling go? I hope it helped - I find appts generally quite draining but useful too.

    Good luck with your doctor's appt tomorrow.

  • Posted

    Hello all,

    How is everyone?

    I would like to thank Louisem, Meganpooch, Hightower, Tiro and Gretchel for your kind words, advice and for being there to catch me/slow my fall as I slipped down the rungs of my ladder recently. Bless you all.

    I am feeling on the level again, not as good as have or could be but, could be a whole lot worse. It has certainly helped having you guys/gals to listen to me. This forum has helped a great deal. It really does help to talk and share experiences. I never had that much confidence before to speak out. I just sucked it in and dealt with it, lol. More like bottle it and bury deep inside to fester away until one day up it pops and out it all came!

    Had another counselling session yesterday. A mixed session really some good and some of it not so good. I say not so good but I guess it was all good. I just do not like having a few home truths/weaknesses pointed out but at least now I have a chance of dealing with them more constructively. The changes are slow and gradual but I have come such a long way already.

    I have just come back from the Dr's Appt. It went quite well. I have to change my meds. Tomorrow I start to ease down my dose over the next 2-3 weeks. Then a break of 4 days before I take my first Venlafaxine, a bit nervous about it. I am having a tough time on the emotional front at the moment, a bit personal to mention on here at the moment.

    I have to make a note of my vivid dreams and take with me to counselling. They may help unpick what is going on inside my mind, how it is dealing with things both past and present.

    Well I will keep you all posted on how my journey goes and how my new tablets work out. Take care you lot and keep in contact.

    Bless you all,

    Fruit Loop x smile x

  • Posted

    Hello Fruit loop,

    I am doing ok thanks; had better weeks, had worse!

    Level again hey, thats great news. Slowly climbing back up the rungs of the ladder and on the route to feeling better. Like you, i find this forum great as i can speak to fellow flu takers without feeling judged or concerned. We are all on teh same slippery path and are helping one another thru it all.

    Do as best you can to speak out and take the weight off of your shoulders as there is nothing worse than keeping ur burdens with you while you are already suffering enough. Offload and im sure someone will do their best to offer advice and reassurance.

    Its easier said than done but getting the home truths out in the open and talking them thru will help you get over this illness quicker. You have come on leaps and bounds so far, keep up the great work.

    Did you not feel like Flu was working hence the reason for the change onto Venlafaxine?

    I thought about going to see the doc and asking for a change but im not sure if the Flu is working for me or not. Time will tell...

    I am slightly envious of your emotionalness.....i cannot manage to cry or release my emotion for some reason, eitehr the Flu is repressing it or im just out of touch with that side of my life. I watch Seven Pounds the other day and its one of the deepest and saddest films ever.....but i couldnt shed a tear. I wanted to but just couldnt.....grrrrr to Flu!!

    The dream journal is a great thing to do, i did something similar with my counsellor and found it very useful. Supposedly our dreams are our subconcious mind telling us something.....all too scientific for me.

    Keep us up to speed with the pill change over and wish you all the best ok.

    Speak soon x

  • Posted

    Hello everyone,

    How are you all doing?

    I am still level which is good, very good. I have only climbed a few rungs on my ladder to date. I am taking stock of things, breaking things into smaller bits to deal with. I guess not putting all my eggs in the same basket. I plan to take my time and try not to run before I can walk if you know what I mean, that was part of my downfall last time. I will try to spot the signs of where I went wrong and take another path. I thought I had failed last time. That played on my mind with other stuff and down the slope I went. I did not fail, I will not fail, I am just learning, like a child taking first steps or learning to ride a bike. I just need to dust myself down look at what may not have worked, find another way and try again.


    I feel too ashamed/scared of being judged to off load on here. I know deep down that the good people on here would do their best and offer advice, or may even have been through the same and share their experience and coping strategy. I guess my ramblings may help someone?

    I have been on flu for 4 1/2 months, nearly 4 of those on 40mg. I was just so glad to get off old meds. I had 6 months of hell on them, all the Dr. did was up the dose till I came close to/driven to........... what I thought was a fix/escape, not the first time either, sorry. I changed Dr. and meds and away I went. I was put up to 40mg and had a wonderful 2 weeks. Life and soul of the party, back how I used to be. It slowly slipped away and began to sink. I enjoyed the company of my friends, I pretended that they were still working as I did not want to lose them again. The longer it went on the harder it was to tell someone, did not want to admit it. It became such a drain and the cracks showed, the smiley masked slipped. Those close to me tried to tell me but I was in denial. I broke down at counselling on night and out it all came. I learnt a lesson again, I have to do this for me, not to please others. For me the Flu took the good feelings and hid them away and all I had was the not so nice stuff, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc on the surface. It was like the safety rope/net was not there for me anymore. Would I climb a rock face without a safety line? I was asked. Hence a change of meds, these should help deal with my anxiety a growing problem, my depression, stabilise my mood swings or even them out and help with the lack of motivation.

    Over the last week I have cut down from 40mg to 20mg and this week I intend to try 20mg every other day. If I feel to bad I will go back a step for another week before trying again. I have also purchased and picked up from the post office this morning two books. They are 'living with the black dog: how to cope when you partner is depressed.' and 'Depressive illness: the curse of the strong.' That title is so right, you are a strong person to face up to this beast and one day beat it and be a better person for it. I have discovered so much about myself and others on my journey so far. I still find it easier to deal/help others than myself? any thoughts anyone? Oh while I think about it, please do not laugh well go on we can share a laugh together but I have been looking at the pattern of my mood swings in my diary/journal and they seem closely linked to the phases of the moon. I do not sit on the lawn and howl at the moon (just chase and bark at parked cars) but I can see a pattern, any thoughts?

    Thank you all for your wise words, opinions, advice and for taking the time to read this rambling and for replying.

    I wish everybody well and speak soon.

    Fruit Loop x :wink: x smile

  • Posted

    Hi again Fruitloop

    Sounds like you have a really good attitude towards getting well - taking it day by day and trying not to give yourself a hard time along the road. I certainly find that bit difficult! I think when you've been very low it's hard to trust your own judgement and it's easy to lose sight of what is normal. Both my psychologist and psychiatrist said the same thing in slightly different ways - that you need to be able to build a solid base before you can add other things in. Meds can certainly help to establish that, and recognising the things that you still do regardless of how bad you feel. Like you, I have found it really hard to say to people weeks and months later that I still feel pretty awful - I feel that I've had enough time and enough of people's sympathy, so that now I should just get better, or at least appear to.

    Are you still planning on taking venlafaxine? I hope it works for you, and that the changeover is not too problematic.

    I've read the Black Dog books and find them very good. All last year I found it very hard to speak to my parents about depression, and they were forever coming up with alternatives of what might actually be wrong with me, so knowing that they had read that book helped me a bit too - and I guess the fact that I ended up in hospital made it pretty clear that others thought I was quite ill too and couldn't just \"pull myself together\"!

    I don't know anything about moon phases and so on, but it's not impossible. I sometimes wonder about the effects of hormones on depression - generally I'm not too bad as far as PMT is concerned but quite often I feel lower afterwards, and wonder if it's the effect of me trying hard to get through a more difficult time, and then letting down my guard a bit afterwards. See, I have slightly off the wall thoughts too!

    Take care.


  • Posted

    Hey FL,

    Sounds to me like you are doing awesome. Taking things slowly, not building yourself up for a fall and thinking positive. All signs of recovery.

    Don’t worry if you feel ashamed/scared to off load on here, it’s totally your choice and we won’t think any differently of you. Just know that we are all here should you wish to speak to us, we'll listen and do what we can to help.

    Similarly i hope that my moanings and ramblings help someone, even if it’s a small help.

    The two books you have got were great for me, read the black dog once and curse of the strong twice - will read it again soon. The information in it is invaluable and speaks volumes. I hope it helps you as much, im pretty sure you will find out even more about yourself by reading it.

    [quote:b356598c8c]I still find it easier to deal/help others than myself [/quote:b356598c8c]

    I couldn’t put it any better more concerned with helping everyone on this site make a recovery than I am making my own recovery. But I LIKE IT.....if my words can help someone get better or think more positively then i will speak more often. I have recently been considering becoming a counsellor as i find talking to you guys a blessing and insightful. There are people out there such as us who need help and ironically enough it is us sufferers who have helped me more than the professionals!

    Im clueless when it comes to the moon affecting our moods but id never dismiss the idea. Ive heard worse wives tales!! Maybe do some research on the net and see what you find.

    Thank you all for your wise words, opinions, advice and for taking the time to read this rambling and for replying.

    All take care and will speak to you soon smile


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