Help, Advice, Chat?
Posted , 9 users are following.
Hello,
I do not know where to start. I feel that I am spiraling out of control at the moment. I have managed to upset most if not all of my close friends, made a fool of myself at work on more than one occasion due to my out bursts. I now feel very alone and ignored where I work, they either do not understand or do not want to. My partner is also having a hard time with me. I suffer from depression, anxiety, frustration, stress, sleepless nights, tears etc, etc. I have been on Flux 40mg for several months, I thought they were working but they are not. I am also going to counselling which has helped a great deal with what I thought was wrong. Each rock we turn over another set of questions, more stuff that brings me down and I realise how long I have been off the rails. It has been suggested a change of medication to Venlafaxine the third lot of meds. I feel out of my depth, adrift in the sea of despair, struggling to hold it together, I do not want to return to the dark times but it is pulling me that way. I guess it is the nature of this beast.
Sorry to sound such a moaner and a downer but I was doing really well and now .........not so. Sorry to go on so much. I understand if I sound like I am too much trouble but that is how I feel.
0 likes, 25 replies
Guest
Posted
Fruit_Loop
Posted
How are you all doing?
You may want to get a tea/coffee and a snack, this was longer than I thought :lol:
After months of trying far too hard it has finally sunk in, relax and take your time. To beat this beast takes time and it is a gradual change that cannot be forced along. I tried to force things but, all that led to was frustration and anger within, then self doubt, giving up and feeling of failing, the anger would be turned onto myself and I would give myself a hard time, from this I would try even harder and around we would go again each time it was worse. It is just a learning curve. I feel like the load has been lightened for just recognising this fact.
As for who I am? What a question we as ourselves. I know who I was before depression, I know the monster I can/have been but, who will I be at the end? I know I can never be the same as before this but want to be. The reason is that life moves on, I am wiser, older, have more responsibilities etc. I think the best I can do is to embrace and encourage the qualities I like and recognise the signs of the not so good things and develop a strategy to deal/cope/analyse/resolve and move on. Counselling is certainly helping me do/understand some of this. Some days I do go back to square one but other days it does start to come together and I feel proud of myself for applying a few techniques and resolving things as an adult and not as the child within. Still has a very loud voice at times. The few people who know and are close recognise the signs and do their best to help with a distraction such as a coffee or show that article. We leave the situation and chat about what just happened.
I feel like a warrior stood in the middle of a vast battlefield. The bodies of my demons laying all around. The roar of the battle was loud but is nothing compared to the volume of the silence that is now deafening to me. I stand there not knowing what to do, leave the battlefield but in what direction, where do I go, what life is there for a seasoned warrior whose only life has been fighting a very hard battle, how do I go back to normal?, still on edge with sword in hand waiting. Do I give a them a burial and respect my enemies? They have been a part of me for so long.
My med change over. The withdrawal side effects are manageable, now on 20mg every other day for a week. I feel better, more positive. I think that is due to change of way of thinking rather than reduced dose of meds. I still plan to change over to Venlafaxine as I still have a few issues/worries to get out at counselling.
I have looked at the two books and read a bit. Wow! I wish I had found/been told of these sooner. They make so much sense. They will certainly help me and others understand what it is like. I find it so hard trying to explain to people but I think if I get them to read the odd chapter it should help them to see why/how I feel/act the way I do and can sometimes not see the wood for the trees, or just snap out of it, or will you just cheer up and stop being so negative.
It is funny but I have also thought of looking closer at becoming a counsellor. My present job sucks big time, they get 100% from me (most of the time) and I get nothing back. Well I tell a lie, as soon as I complete my jobs they find more and more. If I can do 10 a day they then try 15 a day etc. I must admit, I did use work to try and escape from things so part my fault. I will be setting some boundaries to save myself getting bogged down again. I get no satisfaction from my job at all, that is not good. I spend 40hrs a week there. Life is too short too waste that amount of time and get no enjoyment back, that is existing, life is for living. I have in my spare time been reading books about psychology. Some above my head but some are very interesting. The book at the moment is about Freud and his life and studies. I have also looked at introductory courses on psychology. I
Fruit_Loop
Posted
How are we all doing?
It has been 5 day without Fluo ready to change over to Venlafaxine. Just as I could do with an emotional safety net
stuff happens. My Dad is not well at the moment, been in hospital for a check up and seemed ok. Over the weekend has seen the emergency Dr. twice and this morning admitted into hospital. AAARRRGGGHHH! I can feel I am losing the plot again :cry: . I do not know what to do, I am busy looking after the rest of the family and being brave but not allowing myself any time. I could do with a long line of swear words!!!!! I could do with some me time but feel too selfish to say Back Off!!!! As soon as I seem to make any progress I get a kick in the ........... Got to go now, sorry for bleating on!
Fruit Loop :cry: :x :shock: :?
gretchel
Posted
Fluoxetine has a long half-life - I'm no scientist but I think this means it stays in your system for a long time, so after 5 days you will still have quite a lot as your safety net.
Whenever something happens I go into \"panic mode\" - I feel that I'm barely coping as it is, so if something else comes on top of it, I find it very difficult to manage, and am left feeling selfish and self-indulgent, which adds to the low mood, and so on it goes. Try to take some time out for you - maybe a bath this evening, or a short walk on your own, or whatever will make you feel that you are caring for yourself - because you are very important and vulnerable at this point.
All the best.
Fruit_Loop
Posted
I guess my Dad will be in for most of the week. He has to have an operation on Monday or Tuesday and a biopsy.
I will go and see him tonight and take Mum along. It sounds so simple but, to do this I have to face a fear head on. I really do not like hospitals one bit. I have bad memories from childhood, the only times I went to see someone in hospital they never came out again. The few times recently I have been to hospital was not good. It was so that my wife could see her Dad, the next day he passed away during his operation. That was Sept last year. The time before that was a really tough time. It has been bottled up inside of me for so long, it still hurts today just thinking about it. The day was 9 Jan 2004 the date of our scan. We lost our baby at 12 weeks, no trace of her heart beat. I have never ever felt so numb and screwed up. My wife was upset enough but all the support offered was/seemed aimed at her, nothing for me, Fathers feel too. All I got was a list of things to do to take care of my wife. I had to break the news to our families. I had to keep strong for us. Not once did I let any of this out for all these years. Lots of people came round to visit, how is she? not once how I was? Sorry if that sounds selfish. I bottled all those emotions up and so I slipped deeper into depression. That was the straw that tipped me over the edge. I have now only started to grieve, well a few months ago. I feel so silly to think like this. I also feel so scared and worried sick. I feel I have no one to turn to at the moment. Everyone is looking at me to be strong and I am not, been there and failed before. I have enough on my plate at the moment. I do not know how much more I can take. Am I being too selfish? probably! now the guilt kicks in, then the frustration, then I get angry at people, then angry at myself (for not communicating effectively) and around I go again. I will go now as I feel I have moaned enough and feel so stupid. I feel like deleting all of this. One thing I have learnt, is not to bury your head in the sand. So I will leave this post on here.
Sorry to go on and on with my stuff, I really am. So sorry to bother you lot. I hope I have not spoilt your day.
Post/chat later maybe?
shellg2k4
Posted
Was reading your post further up (the \"nutty friends\" one lol) and i too can relate to the anxiety when it comes to loved ones! I get myself worked up sometimes to the point where im crying my eyes out!
For instance we were walking on top of a beach last year and there was a drop down the cliffs that was a little distance from the path, but as soon as the kids stepped off the path a little i was going nuts! i had all sorts playing through my mind, i could actually see them falling over the edge!!
also my kids love to play on our culdesac which is safe, but when they are out there i cannot wait to get them in for food etc. i panic that i am dangling them as bait to anyone who drives by! i can then see in my mind how they would possibly react if that ever did happen!
my hubby says that these thoughts are irrational (and that i shouldnt obssess with these thoughts) but to me they are completely rational thoughts! ok i do go a little over board sometimes (speaking of which im off to the isle of wight in a few months and am having panic attacks about the kids on the ferry!! lol) but it really gets me into a state!
all of my thoughts are of my children getting hurt or in danger and to me personally i think that it is natural??!! am i wrong? lol
Fruit Loop,
hope your dad gets well soon.
xxx
SamB
Posted
Sorry to hear about your dad. I do hope all is well.
I lost two babies, same as you, no heart beat and must admit that all the attention was on me. In the end i asked my husband how he was coping. I've also had alot of bad experiences at hospital, the last being my dad dieing but you have to think that its not always bad news. Easy for me to say i know. Reading your post about not grieving reminded me of me. When i lost my dad 3 years ago i didn't grieve, has a ten week old baby and had to just get on with things, also had to take on the responsibility of looking after my mother. Because i bottled things up, like yourself, i ended a mess this time last year when i started flu. I've now started, well tried to, say no to people and think of myself but have been left feeling guilty. I'm waffling and probably confusing you but i just wanted to say i do understand.
Try try try to have some time for yourself.
Take Care
SamB x
Fruit_Loop
Posted
Thank for the kind wishes about my Dad, I am touched, bless you all.
Yesterday I took my Mum in to see Dad. She reckons he looks a whole lot better, I did not recognise him. I was distracted because we had to walk past a particular ward, enough said. I had a chat with my Dad but was too distracted. I was looking for the exits and wishing for the time to pass so I could get out of there. Now the feelings of guilt about that. I am sorry to go on but it is better out here that a rant at a poor innocent person on the street. It appears that I am the taxi driver for all and sundry, I can have time off from work just like that, I should be making sure the nurses make a fuss of Dad, I should be ringing around the family, I should be looking out for Mum, I should be strong.................. :x I DO HAVE A LIFE OF MY OWN!!!!! I MIGHT WANT A REST, I MIGHT WANT A SHOULDER TO CRY/LEARN ON, I HAVE GOT A JOB THAT IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS IT PAYS MY BILLS AND KEEPS A ROOF OVER MY HEAD!!!!! I MIGHT WANT A HUG!!!! I HAVE MY OWN STUFF TO DEAL WITH ASWELL AS ALL OF THIS! :x I think I need to slow down and take a break, just because I care does not mean that I can be treated as a doormat. Just because in the past I have pretended to be strong does not mean I can again. I feel in such a state, taking on more stuff quicker than I can off load! I think that is how come I came out with so much yesterday, trying to make room at the expense of my stuff.
Today is going to be another busy day of hospital visits and then some me time I hope, I have a counselling session by crikey I need it! I did not get home till quite late last night after making sure everyone was up to speed, despite a sleeping pill got very little sleep and I am cranky this morning. That reminds me, bloody hospital parking charges, they have got you by the short and curlies there, bloody Shylock's want the pound of flesh and a shirt off your back. Sorry I do feel better a bit now.
Hi SamB,
Thank you for your understanding and sharing your experience. This beast has a habit of stirring things up and colouring everything black. I have only just come round to the idea of trying again for a baby. It is a scary thing for me, the mind thinking back, the what ifs. I try to stop them thoughts dead in their tracks but the odd one sneaks past when the guard is down. I too should try to say no once in a while but scared the few friends and family will not like me for it, another issue of mine, being accepted(accepting who I am?) and trying too hard to be liked and ending up a doormat and upset when I ask for help to get ignored. I too am left looking after mum at the moment. I feel so drained at the moment. I will certainly try to get some me time in really soon before I go off pop.
Thank you all for listening/reading and kind words, opinions etc they are all appreciated. Bless you all and I wish you well.
Take care,
Fruit Loop (now a bit calmer, embarrassed by the outburst!)
SamB
Posted
Best to get it all out and have a rant on here rather than some stranger in the street. I so understand what you are saying about making sure everyone else is okay, taxi-ing people around, people just presuming you'll do it etc. I've always had that. I've always just done everything, well nearly everything, that people ask. In the end i'd just do it and not even realise. Just became the norm. You must try to take some time for yourself, not easy i know, especially at the moment but if you do go pop you won't do you or anyone else any good. As for trying for a baby. It is and will be scarey if you do but everything could be okay. After two miscarriages we went on to have two boys. You never forget the ones you lost but it does get easier. I really do wish you luck if you decide to go for another.
I'm waffling now. Hope you are feeling better and calmer now.
Oh yeah, the hospital parking charges are ridiculous, think its £2.50 for two hours at our local. Rip off!!! :x
Take care
SamB
pinky73
Posted