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help me please!!!!

Posted , 5 users are following.

amy14545
amy14545

Hi I'm new to this site. Let me start by saying My partner of 7 years has started drinking alot more than he used to and it's becoming a problem. We have a three year old and a 7 week old and it's not good us arguing all the time in front of them because of his drinking. He blames me for making him drink as he says I nag him all the time. Please any advice is welcome. 

0 likes, 21 replies

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  • PaulJTurner1964
    PaulJTurner1964 amy14545

    Posted

    Hello Amy.

    Sorry to hear of your problem. Could you give a little more information by answering the following questions and that will help me to give better advice. (I am a qualified nurse specialising in alcohol treatment.)

    1. Is he drinking at one particular time of day (e.g. evenings) or is it all day?

    2. If he is drinking all day, are there any days when he does not have a drink?

    3. How much would you guess he is drinking per day?

    4. How long is it since his alcohol intake increased to an excessive level?

    • amy14545
      amy14545 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Hes  started drinking every night 10 months ago and he drinks 8 to 16 pints a night he doesn't drink threw day but also he keeps blaming me on him drinking so much. 
    • Richardt
      Richardt amy14545

      Posted

      Does he work, bcoz. 8 pints per day is too much, does he want to stop,is so he should see his GP, l am sure he is depressed and drinks to cure the depression, l have been there before it does not work,l had to go on Citalprom to cure my depression. Now l only drink twice a fortnight from drinking everyday for years, Citalprom works like magic l an now so happy.
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 amy14545

      Posted

      OK Amy. Firstly, it doesn't matter how much you nag him. ANY partner would, so don't start believing that you are at fault in any way. It is HIM who puts the glass or can to his lips, nobody else.

      Has he given you any indication why he is drinking so much? Has something happened in his life which he feels he needs to blank out by being drunk?

      As Richard asked, is he working? How is he in the mornings after drinking so much?

      Has he had ANY night without a drink recently?

      It is very difficult for you to remain calm in these circumstances but you need to try and get through to him without emotion. The amount he is drinking is likely to have made him physically dependent on alcohol. If that is the case, he will experience physical withdrawal symptoms when he tries to go without a drink. It WILL creep up further as his body needs more alcohol and I wouldn't be surprised if he is topping up without your knowledge during the day. (Don't accuse him of this).

      The first hurdle to overcome is for him to recognise that there is a problem. That level of alcohol consumption is extremely dangerous and will affect his health badly over time.

      If he denies that there is a problem, it may be worth challenging him to go ONE night without a drink to prove there is no problem. If you do this, though, make sure that there is alcohol available in case he starts having withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms are dangerous and if he does suffer them (which I suspect he will) he needs to ensure that he drinks enough to stop them and see a doctor to ask for an alcohol detox, which consists of medication starting on high doses and reducing over a week to 14 days. This medication, given in the correct doses, prevents alcohol withdrawal symptoms and allows a person to stop drinking safely.

      Detox on its own won't resolve whatever issue he has that is making him drink like this so that will need to be looked at too.

      I feel for you with two children including a young baby who, I imagine, is not yet sleeping through the night. This problem needs sorting as soon as possible but it, unfortunately, relies on him accepting that it is a problem.

      Don't take his accusations to heart. Most people who have an alcohol problem blame everybody and everything rather than accepting responsibility for fixing it, initially.

      Also, try and come across to him as supportive, however annoyed you might get. Nobody CHOOSES to get into trouble with alcohol. he needs some gentle encouragement to recognise the problem. Perhaps if he has a good mate you can talk to, that person might have more influence on him than you, as the closest person to him, and be able to say 'come on Mate, what are you doing? This can't carry on.'

       

  • Richardt
    Richardt amy14545

    Posted

    When you talk to him about his drinking, talk to him when he is sober in the morning, bcoz its a worst of time talking to drunk people all you do is cause arguments , which he will forget what he was arguing about in the morning.
    • amy14545
      amy14545 Richardt

      Posted

      I never confront him when he's drunk I always do it when he's sober. I watched my uncle die from being an alcoholic so I know It needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. Like you said he needs encouragement but all his friends are alcoholics too. His dad has told me to leave him to make him realise what he will lose if he carries on drinking heavy but I can't leave him just in case it makes him worse. Would I be able to talk to a doctor about it or has it got to come from my partner. 
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 amy14545

      Posted

      You can talk to somebody about it Amy, but any decision to do something about his problem has to come from him. I have sent you a private message.
  • matt66
    matt66 amy14545

    Posted

    Hi Amy,

    so sorry to hear, as everyone says, the decision to do something has to come from him, trying to give him the motivation / realisation is the difficult part. It must feel bad when he blames you so I'll tell you the same as I do to other alcoholics partners,....the 3 Cs

    you did not cause this

    you cannot control this

    you cannot cure this

    the first is critical or you'll wind up emotially drained even more that helping with it.

    have you tried an intervention with some of his friends /family? We, as alcoholics (5yrs dry) always feel hard done by when confronted but there's no other way as it's not too often people give up "just coz". It's getting their attention on the subject that's the hard bit. Ask around those who know him and are important to him (obviously yourself included) to have a get together for an intervention as a start. Especially with the 2 weeuns involved, his mum, if she is still around is a start point.

    good luck sweetie.

  • hope4cure
    hope4cure amy14545

    Posted

    If you can go home with ur parents it's better for the children to be away from a broken home than live in one.

    • amy14545
      amy14545 hope4cure

      Posted

      I managed to persuade him to go to detox so I'm well happy, it's early days yet but I'm so proud of him I haven't smiled like this in ages  I will keep everyone posted with his progress. Thanks again for all the advice. 
    • matt66
      matt66 amy14545

      Posted

      Great stuff! Wishing him all the best with it.
  • amy14545
    amy14545

    Posted

    Thank you all so much it is really appreciated I will keep you all updated with his progress xxxxx 
  • amy14545
    amy14545

    Posted

    Hiya just letting you all know that my partner has signed himself out of detox :-( . I'm not with him anymore as I built alot of confidence while he was in detox and I'm putting my kids first this time but he's the dad to my kids  and don't want anything to happen to him. Has my intervention made things worse???? 
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 amy14545

      Posted

      Amy, when you say 'signed himself out of detox' was he in hospital or at a clinic?

      You intervention has not made things worse, you did the right thing. He needs to deal with his problem. It may seem like a negative situation to you at the moment, but you overcame a massive hurdle by getting him to accept that there was a problem. Many people do not the succeed the first time they try to stop drinking but succeed on a subsequent attempt.

      There may be a reason why he felt he couldn't stay where he was, maybe the rigid treatment programme or the way he felt they spoke to him. He would not be wrong about SOME treatment programmes which really do take away people's dignity and self-respect. Try and find out why he walked out. It may not be just down to a bad attitude to stopping drinking.

    • amy14545
      amy14545 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      It was a hospital and he said they were brilliant with him he just didn't want to do the detox. I'm soo confused because he wanted the help but signed himself out.  I love him to bits but I can't be with him when he's drinking as its obviously a bigger problem than what I thought. I sound horrible because I don't know what it's like to have an addiction and I know it must be hard for him to stop but I need to think of our kids because it's not nice them both seeing there dad drunk all the time. 
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 amy14545

      Posted

      I understand Amy. It DOES need to be HIM that wants to do it. Has he told you WHY he didn't want to do the detox?
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