Help, what should I do?

Posted , 4 users are following.

I really dont know what to do to save my relationship and need advice. We have been together for 2 years and he was treated me like gold and we bought a house together.  He became self emplyed 6 months ago and has since changed completley. He is constantly hassled by a woman who declares undying love to him and he says it is awkward. 

He is generally stressed and has become unloving, uncaring and very unpleasant towards me. He is withdrawn and always tired. I am sure that he is depressed but says that he is fine and never admits to anything being his fault. I love him so much and want the old boyfriend back but am having trouble not getting upset which I know doesnt help. I am scared I am pushing him away. I cant do anything right. Can anyone help me?

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  • Posted

    Dear Gilly

    Could it be that your man is feeling guilty about all this attention from that woman and takes it out on you rather than telling her off once and for all?

    It's often easier to take frustration out on those you love and trust - which logically seem completely ridiculous to some of us.

    If such is the case then, perhaps you could suggest for the three of you - or with an additional neutral friend coming along too - to meet for a drink where you and your man can show her that you're solid (even if it might not feel that way right now.).

    It is of course important to remind him that you love him very much, the reasons why you got the house and the commitment it meant to move into it together, the dreams and plans you had.. But, at the same time: You've got needs to. It is his job too to make it work and it is certainly his job to make you feel loved and cherished. If he puts you down in any way; you must put your foot down but hopefully, with some long honest talks, it won't come to that.

    All the best

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your advice. It helps to know there is someone out there lol. The problem I have is that he wont talk about it, which is difficult. I am worried about pushing him away but I might talk to him about the house and dreams and see what he says.
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  • Posted

    Being self-employed is sooooo much more stressful than working for someone else! The pressure of being responsible for your own income, paperwork, taxes, marketing, etc is immense. I don't know what his work is, but I suspect that as soon as he gets to the point where he's well enough established to turn work away he'll start to get back to normal. Most people start off doing every job offered to them for less than they should be charging because they're so worried about paying bills esp if you have a mortgage , which means some awful jobs, some awful clients, long hours and never being able to relax properly. Once he becomes more confident, charges more and turns down the bad jobs things will improve, but that does take time. Really don't underestimate the effect of the stress of setting up on your own, it's exhausting and fills your whole head, crowding out everything else. Try to understand that it's not a rejection, and don't become demanding, or that will feel like more stress. I know it's hard but he's probably already feeling guilty that he doesn't have energy for you, maybe also he's lost his sex drive and feeling embarrassed about it. If you can, put your own needs on the back burner for a while, maybe see friends more, and try to be understanding. This is just a tough bit you have to get through. It could be a year or two before he feels financially stable depending on the type of work. If you do all this and hes still snapping at you by all means tell him you don't deserve to have him take it out on you, but it would be a shame to jeopardise a good relationship over work stress and money worries. Men can be very reluctant to talk about fear of not living up to the role of provider, and are more likely to get defensive. I don't know what this other woman is up to but I suspect that's not the issue, starting a new business, even as a sole trader is more than enough to make you withdrawn! 
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    • Posted

      Thank  you for your thoughts. The thought of going through this for a couple of years is a bit scary but I am not ready to give up yet. I am prepared to help him any way I can but why do men have to be so determined not to show any weakness? or what they see as weak..
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