HELPPP!! Peri Making PTSD and Dissociation Unbearable and Unsafe.
Posted , 7 users are following.
Hi, I tried to post this on the Anxiety board weeks ago and no one responded. Maybe I'm the only one dealing with it. I've had complex PTSD and dissociation since I was nine. I've tried everything over the years (I'm 47) meds, EMDR, hypnosis, psychics, breathing, meditation ... you name it and nothing has cured it. I even went to a neurologist and ruled out seizures or tumor. Though I've oddly had a few years where it's dissappeared, once when I was in a long-term live-in relationship and once when I had an eating disorder that I think numbed me. Since I hit peri my anxiety and PTSD have gotten hellishly bad to the point where I now sometimes have dissociative amnesia. The other day I had a bad wave of what I call the "sick feeling" a mix of terror, shame and nausea I get before I dissociate and I don't remember what happened but a few minutes later I had intense leg pain and looked and saw my leg and arm were covered in large purple bruises. My dog was there but obv did nothing lol. Anyway I can't live like this, wondering if anyone else has the same thing and found a cure. I don't have one single worst memory of a trauma that caused the PTSD, but I have multiple memories of a horrible, terrifying childhood and a rage-aholic father that still could care less about me. That's why I live far away but alone. On the opposite coast. I really think if I was married it wouldn't be as bad. But who wants a fat, perimenopausal PTSD crazy person. Unless I win the lottery lol.
0 likes, 6 replies
maddysmom2015 sakura26
Posted
Hi Sakura,
I have not found a cure; but please know you are not alone. I care about you. One survivor to another. I also have PTSD from growing up with a violent (rage-aholic) father and narcissistic personality disorder mother. Dissociation is very common when we are triggered. I know exactly what you mean by that sick feeling mixture of shame, nausea, and terror. Mine is way, way worse in peri.
Is anything happening in your world that is bringing up memories? Disagreeable co-worker? Contact with family--even if they are far away? The other issue might be an "anniversary" reaction. I get bad ones at Christmas because that's when my father would go nuts and beat the dog or throw us out in the snow. That kind of abuse reworks the neural pathways in the brain when our brains are very plastic and impressionable. What you are experiencing is very common--even though it feels incredibly isolating.
Please do not take yourself to task about being alone. When our original family was dark and toxic, creating another one for us is a large challenge as adults. Very few people actually feel safe enough, prove themselves safe enough, to be let in.
Some things that did help me were reading books about PTSD by Aphrodite Matsakis. Her work with trauma survivors helped me realize I had a textbook life and as an adult I am having a textbook reaction to living with the trauma. I felt "normal" (that is a really loaded word and I hesitate to use it), after I read her books. Rather than a broken psyche who would never be safe. Regular therapy helps. A therapist could help you identify the pre-symptoms of the dissociation and help you plan.
I have an Rx that I take as needed for very bad disassociative responses.
Sometimes just getting outside with the dog helps. Physically cooling off when I feel myself dissociate and forcing myself to interact with the world helps. It isn't the cure. But every little bit is meaningful.
It breaks my heart to have you write about yourself as fat, menopausal, PTSD crazy person. You are a thoughtful writer for sure, and have survived. I am impressed with you!
debra16694 maddysmom2015
Posted
hi maddysm - that was a beautiful response to Sakura - i have a dear friend who struggles with a tormented childhood & i am so sorry for all your pain & suffering - i like to think that your were chosen to endure these struggles because you are so much stronger than the rest - Bless you both! ❤
sakura26 maddysmom2015
Posted
Thanks so much for letting me know I'm not alone. You have no idea what that means to me! I feel crazy and terrified and like if I tell my friends it pushes them away or they don't understand. I think peri is making it worse plus being so old and alone and still single. And worried about finances as I'm single, still hugely in debt from college and not working in a lucrative industry. I want so badly to be able to save for retirement and own a home but it's hard being single and being in a mostly contractor economy and through a lot of layoffs. I really would love to find someone and not be alone but I've never had much luck with men even when I was dissociating less, younger, thin etc. I tried online dating for a while. I hate being so alone but all my friends are wrapped up in their normal lives, kids and husbands. I do have a dog but I think she has her own PTSD lol. She is good but on the nervous side. What RX do you take for bad bouts? I take clonazapem but doesn't do anything. Someone recommended DBT therapy but it's crazy expensive and not sure it will work. I will look for that book. Thanks so much.
maddysmom2015 sakura26
Posted
Hi Sakura,
You have a lot going on, but you are absolutely not alone. So many people struggle with PTSD, anxiety and disassociation. Peri makes all of those symptoms like a wildfire that has no break. I thought I was kind of managing in my early 40's. Now, it's madness. Friends who love us may not understand because it isn't their lived experience. It can be unintentionally invalidating when we try to share our story and don't get the support we need.
We have a lot in common. I am single; I have big student loans from college too. I am a teacher, so I certainly understand what you mean about working in a not lucrative industry! And fears about retirement can keep us all awake. Women live longer and earn less. So we have more to figure out. The financial piece of that can add to the overall feeling of instability that comes with a trauma history. And I certainly get wanting to own a house. When our lives feel fragmented, when we had no safe haven as children, finally making a home as an adult that is a refuge against the world is a powerful thing.
But I promise you, self-criticism about your weight, age, and psychological state will not help! (Though very common in peri for all of us!) You sound amazing. You put yourself through school, work hard, keep going when the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune come. You do everything you can to manage your pain and stay on top of life even when you feel like you are drowning. There is a partner out that who will be so grateful when you come into his life with those skills. As hackneyed as it sounds, we have to get you to see those qualities in yourself as strengths. I promise you, he will if you let him.
I take lorazepam for my bad days. It works pretty well. My GYN gave me prozac for PMS symptoms; but I took one and felt like garbage going into 3 days now. Do you have a therapist at all? DBT is a modified version of CBT and many therapists practice that at a standard office visit rate. It would make me feel better if you had more support. (Not to minimize the dog's contribution. But the unexplained bruising concerns me.)
PM me if you like. You are not alone!
Sassyr12a sakura26
Posted
Hello sakura
I'm sorry that things feel so bad at the moment, I've been there too and although not diagnosed as having PTSD, I'm pretty sure that's what it was and it came from a difficult family relationship growing up. I was just completely consumed by a feeling of grief, mixed with doom, combined with anxiety and then tried to hide it all which certainly didn't help! The thing that got me through was talking therapy. Took 10 years of me crying, wailing, talking, wailing, to get rid of the feeling. Even now it can still crop up, especially in meno and it does make you feel awful, and scared too. Not sure if you are seeing a therapist or maybe just using a friend, but talking helps. Fresh air and exercise helps me feel in control too. There will be so many people feeling the same , you're brave to share and a warrior for getting dealing with it. Xxx
sakura26 Sassyr12a
Posted
Thanks. I've tried years of talk therapy with no luck. I think it wasn't help if I wasn't so alone and was married with more supportive friends and of course didn't have financial stress etc.