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I just got done with another crying fit and I cant sleep. Too many negative thoughts in my head and my mind is racing to much to fall asleep.
Why? My friend (who I like very much) told me she was molested as a child. I wasnt suprised or hurt. I just listened and asked questions I was curious about. I thanked her for trusting me with that knowledge and opening up to me and how hard it must have been. She went into further detail of other abuses and even an attempted suicide that had happened. She doesnt like being touched and I know why now. I told her Im glad that she survived and I think she is an amazing person despite what she may feel.
Everything was fine, she said she's come to terms with it and thats great. I shouldnt need to worry right? The recovery process is done with. No! I try to go to bed and I run her story over and over and over and it wont stop. I cry and cry and now her pain will not leave me. How can I sleep with this information? She's still the same person I knew before but I know of her injustices and I hate life again. And for what? I cant change it and yet Im sobbing over myself and losing sleep over something that happened to someone else.
She is caring and one of the nicest and strongest people Ive met and I know she doesnt always feel that way and it angers me. A beautiful human being that I care about getting hurt and I am powerless to help her. I tell myself that just being her friend is enough for her and I cant stand the pain she had to go through. That she's still going through. Why cant I have her pain? Let her free and torture me. I cant stand it it feels too unbearable that I cant freaking sleep.
What is wrong with me? I know im not a good person and I cringe whenever someone says I am but I feel like I have too much empathy. Is that even a thing? I hate crying. Im a man. Im not supposed to cry. How will people see me? A weakling, a crybaby, a wuss. I cant help what makes me said and I cry way too often and my eyes are dried out too often. I just want all the good people to be happy. I want all of their pain, all of their misery. I hate myself anyways. Why cant I just take all of their anxiety, depression, shame, horrors and why cant they be free?
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