Here I am again in a dark place
Posted , 5 users are following.
I just got done with another crying fit and I cant sleep. Too many negative thoughts in my head and my mind is racing to much to fall asleep.
Why? My friend (who I like very much) told me she was molested as a child. I wasnt suprised or hurt. I just listened and asked questions I was curious about. I thanked her for trusting me with that knowledge and opening up to me and how hard it must have been. She went into further detail of other abuses and even an attempted suicide that had happened. She doesnt like being touched and I know why now. I told her Im glad that she survived and I think she is an amazing person despite what she may feel.
Everything was fine, she said she's come to terms with it and thats great. I shouldnt need to worry right? The recovery process is done with. No! I try to go to bed and I run her story over and over and over and it wont stop. I cry and cry and now her pain will not leave me. How can I sleep with this information? She's still the same person I knew before but I know of her injustices and I hate life again. And for what? I cant change it and yet Im sobbing over myself and losing sleep over something that happened to someone else.
She is caring and one of the nicest and strongest people Ive met and I know she doesnt always feel that way and it angers me. A beautiful human being that I care about getting hurt and I am powerless to help her. I tell myself that just being her friend is enough for her and I cant stand the pain she had to go through. That she's still going through. Why cant I have her pain? Let her free and torture me. I cant stand it it feels too unbearable that I cant freaking sleep.
What is wrong with me? I know im not a good person and I cringe whenever someone says I am but I feel like I have too much empathy. Is that even a thing? I hate crying. Im a man. Im not supposed to cry. How will people see me? A weakling, a crybaby, a wuss. I cant help what makes me said and I cry way too often and my eyes are dried out too often. I just want all the good people to be happy. I want all of their pain, all of their misery. I hate myself anyways. Why cant I just take all of their anxiety, depression, shame, horrors and why cant they be free?
2 likes, 6 replies
yasmine333 austin66706
Posted
That is an awful thing to hear & for someone you care about to have gone through but you're absolutey right - there is nothing you can do about it, it is in the past & she has dealt with it amazingly well. If she is okay then there is no reason why you shouldn't be.
Do not put this on you head - you are obviously a wonderful friend otherwise she would not have felt she could open up to you about something so private.
It is okay to be sad for someone but don't let it consume you.
Just continue to be the great friend you are!
wayne1962 austin66706
Posted
Hi Austin - don't take on the suffering of others. It will not help anyone, least of all you. All you can be is a receptive friend who listens and supports. Crying is not weak or unmanly - it shows empathy and consideration.
margaret21458 austin66706
Posted
Dearest Austin,
These responses you've received are right on target!
You cannot save the world. You can do only so much in this life and you have done your part by being a good friend. Everyone in this world would've blessed to have a friend like you! I'm sure she knows this, that's why she opened up to you. You must love her very much to feel the way you do and honestly...seeing a man cry, shows strength in so many ways. It's your turn now to open up to her and share your dark place with her. Great communication on both ends will only bring you closer and God will bless you both with great things, that only He can give you!
Best of Luck
Hugs, Maggie xo
austin66706
Posted
I know I cant save the world. I know Im not superman. But sometimes, I wish God would torture me. I pray for God to take everyone's demons and give them to me. I wish my superpower was to make the pain stop and bring instant pleasure. I want to he tortured immensly with the assurance that the people I care about and will ever care about get their demons taken from them. The torture I feel knowing of the injustice and the unfairness of good people's past is greater than any physical torture I could ever feel.
No matter how hard I try to move on with my life I alaways end up in crying fits where I only wish for other's pain to stop. I hate life, I hate myself, I hate it all, Why cant a loser like me take it all? Why cant people with actual potential go on without these weights on them? I just want their pain, thats all. Thats my one wish, my one prayer, my one passion. To steal their pain so they dont have it.
Im pathetic, sobbing over something that wont change.
yasmine333 austin66706
Posted
What you don't seem to realise is your life isn't worth less than anyone elses. You shouldn't feel pathetic for having emotions - there is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. The only thing wrong is that you're so hard on yourself when actually you're clearly a very kind, understanding & empathetic person. Everyone has their own individual battles it is not for you to fight anyone elses. You need to start looking after yourself & realising how much your life is worth x
charllee05390 austin66706
Posted
Hi austin! I am a firm believer that people's experiances turn them into people they are meant to be. For example, my mother went through a similar experiance and thus didnt want kids. That being said, she loves my brothers and i more than anything because she didnt want kids at first. If you took on everybody's problems, nobody would turn out the way they should. Its an unfortunate truth, but its the truth. That being said, that doesnt mean you cant help people deal with their problems. And being a man doesnt mean your not supposed to cry. Crying means your more human, and its totally natural. Nothing to be ashamed of. Also, you should feel good that your friend felt comfortable enough with you to share such an experiance and the best thing you can do is help her totally heal from her experiances and be there for her when she needs to talk. Remember, you cany totally take away a persons problems, but you can help them shoulder them, which is the next best thing. I hope this helps. God Bless