How bad is my mental health in comparison to others?? Long but need help :(

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I am just writing this to sort of get everything out of my head and to see if others feel similar and how severe it is in comparison to others who are depressed. I would greatly appreciate if anyone would take the time to read this but obviously would understand if you don't want to.

     I feel I have always had this confusion and unsureness deep inside me. It's very difficult to explain I am just kind of not confident or positive about anything it seems. I guess to start this off I am a 19 year old male. I have been depressed since I was a freshman in high school. I was sort of unhappy since i was 12 when my grandfather passed away because I was raised by him and my grandma because my mom died when I was very young and my dad is a sh*t head so he was basically my father. But I just specifically remember when I was a 15 and a freshman in high school was when I started to feel like I wanted to die. This feeling went on and off through high school, it wasn't too severe but there were its times. About a month or two before I graduated (about 7 months ago) the feeling got significantly worse.

     I had always thought I was depressed but once the feeling deepened I realized I had no idea how dead I could feel. I sort of feel like I am not even a person. Like I am literally missing something that everyone else seems to have. Everyone I see seems to be filled with so much life and personality and they seem to have this understanding and confidence that I just don't have. I personally don't understand how people can feel so confident in everything; to me it feels like there is nothing I could ever be certain of. I feel so very different from everybody I have ever met. I don't really feel I have ever had a real connection with anybody and that thought sort of haunts me. It makes me feel unhuman and like I will continue to be alone forever. I have friends but only guy friends and I am not particularly close to any of them and as a guy it’s not like you typically talk to your male friends about emotional issues unless you joke about how terrible you feel. But lately I have been drifting away from my "friends" because of how unhappy I have been. I just don't really feel like putting on the act that I'm happy and living up to the expectations.

     I sort of feel completely alone. All of my real thoughts have just sat in my head pretty much my whole life. I long for affection and dream of meeting a girl who is different and who maybe sees something in me however I'm not sure if there is anything to see as I am a self-loathing, depressed individual. I have never had a real girlfriend. In elementary school I had one but obviously it doesn't count as it was kind of ridiculous anyways. This really bothers me and makes me feel even more unhuman. Like no one could actually love me for the person I am. I tend to make this feeling worse by watching semi romantic films (Donnie Darko, buffalo 66, beginners, before sunrise/sunset, eternal sunshine...,blue velvet) and listening to sad or depressing music(velvet underground, joy division, smiths, ect..) Although these things can make the feeling so deep sometimes I still enjoy them so very much because I kind of feel like love is the only genuine thing I see anymore. I feel everything I see in my day to day life is absolute bullsh*t and I just feel I cannot take it any longer. I am just a meaningless spec in the universe but for all I know life is meaningless and we make ourselves feel horrible searching for meaning when there is none, or maybe not, who knows.

     I feel one reason I am so alone is my extreme anxiety. I often get nervous talking to anyone I don't already know and it’s so severe I can even get nervous ordering food at places... So that is one reason I have never been in a relationship as I am so "shy". I am not really comfortable with myself at all and I don't know why. The truth of the matter is I often don't know what to say. I kind of feel I am not worth the patience it would take for me to get comfortable with someone and girls don't chase after guys so I know I need to work on this... I am not unconfident in how I look I feel I am an alright looking guy but I am very short  (5,5) and this kind of upsets me and I  get that that’s unattractive and I feel I look about 16. I think I always just hold myself back because I feel I could never live up to anyone’s expectations.

     I have come to completely hate myself. I just hate were I have gotten myself, all alone and absent of any affection from another person and I understand it is my fault. I often tell kind of horrible things to myself but I can't really help it, I just feel I make myself so unhappy and can't seem to do anything to better my situation. I kind of feel someone could like me if they could only see into me and have some understanding. I think that is what I want more than anything in the whole world is for someone to understand me. Just one person because honestly I don't understand myself... I feel like genuine understanding is so rare and it’s something you could really never know for sure, but it would be beautiful to feel like you shared it with someone.

     In the past 4 months things have gotten pretty bad for me. I was on tasc for a while for possession of marijuana from when I was 17 that they waited over a year to charge me for but I am finished now which is a relief but I am dealing with some bad medical issues. The doctor believes it may be something with my nerves but it’s been 4 months and we still are not sure of what is wrong and the worst thing is it is kind of directly affecting my penis... Like it works fine but there are just problems that I won't go into detail with which really upsets me as I am a 19 year old virgin and I feel I shouldn't have to worry about that... This has increased my anxiety so severely and I am dealing with so many symptoms I cannot even think straight anymore... I often loose were I am in my head feel so confused. One day my thoughts will be so clear and the next I am unsure of literally everything and can't even form a proper thought. My sex drive is extremely low lately with all my anxiety and other symptoms and medication I’m on which wouldn't necessarily bother me but with the anxiety I have it has caused me to have so much anxiety that  at one point I was questioning my sexuality... It made me so angry because I knew I wasn't gay but my mind would make me worry about it and it was so ridiculous because there is no reason for me to think this it was just like my mind wanted to f*ck with me... I am feeling better about that situation and I know it is unreasonable.

     I often daydream of dying and I think of killing myself every day. The thoughts of suicide have become more genuine in the past 7 months and it literally goes through my head everyday quite frequently. I don't believe I would kill myself as I just want things to get better but I don't really see that happening as I can't even envision myself in a relationship anymore because I don't know if a girl could want to be in a relationship with me and all my problems. I know a relationship wouldn't fix everything obviously but it just sounds so comforting. Just to have someone care about me for the person I am. I kind of feel like I would be ok if I had one person I was comfortable with and could actually talk to. I just feel so absolutely empty and unhuman and almost every night I hope I don't wake up, but I do to be instantly filled with this dark feeling.

     I feel like I am completely losing my mind and like I am crazy. I am so quick to get unreasonably angry I just feel like I am going to explode. I have so much hate in me because I feel like a lot of people are just plain cruel and it seems like the world is just wrong and illogical most of the time. I just don't get it and I don't see how others don't see it how I do. I get the world can be beautiful and profound but sadly my most beautiful experiences were on psychedelics... Those experiences being amazing and all but it makes me sad that my best memories aren’t with a person but a substance that gave me some hope and insight.

     When it comes down to it I just really don't want to be alone anymore and would be so gratefully to meet a girl who saw something in me. But honestly I feel it would be unfair of me to be in a relationship as how depressed I am, I do feel I would love them but maybe too much and I worry I would fall in love to easily and quickly  since how I feel. I am not scared of dying anymore but I am terrified of being alone forever as I think of dying every day and it doesn't haunt me the way being alone does...

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear clearskys, I wish that I could give you a huge, HUGE hug and

    Make everything better....your post made me feel desperately sad. I wish that I could wave a magic wand...

    You are not alone feeling this way, I have three adult sons with mental. Health problems.. one is almost EXACTLY the same as you, another one.has not left our house ( luckily they all live here with myself and my. Husband ) for the past twenty months.. it breaks my heart to think that. You have no-one to turn to.. you Must go back to see your doctor. You need a lot more help and understanding that you have obviously been. Given....have you any association in the U.S. equivalent to the help we have here, in the way of the SAMARITANS.... I know it must seem an. Utterly desperate future for you at the moment... but do not give up !!!!!! You need to make friends in a way that will put you under absolutely no. Pressure whatever... the a many voluntary organizations where young

    People help, helping youngsters who have a disability, also visiting the. Elderly, in the UK we have groups that clear the rubbish from canals and. Countryside.....another way with no pressure and keeps you fit, is to join structured walks, people of all ages do and enjoy this.....

    Most importantly.... do not ever feel that you are different, very many others feel as sad as you, maybe you could start a support group where

    You all turn up th chat informally, say in a pub.. I am not sure what you

    Call them in the U.S........please, please never give up you deserve to have a good and happy life... you will so be in my thoughts, HUGE hugs and. Sincere best wishes to you young man... Deirdre x

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  • Posted

    I can relate to your feelings as it all stems from childhood ,your lack of confidence is due to not having a real family life and the only person who you felt you where happy with has left this world leaving you to feel empty inside no one to share feelings with .

    i was brought up by my mum only and always felt the odd kid because my dad was not arround my mum always give all her attention to my older sister which made me feel insecure that i was not worthy of anyones attention or love just how you feel,I always think about suicide and done it 3 times now like you i dont really want to die but feel miserable living after failed marriages i decided to change the way i think and start to love myself and be confident ,first i started on a book which i never read ever but started off with Men are from Mars as i figured if i could understand the male species then i would have a better understanding how to improve my relationships ,this worked wonders and changed my life and way of thinking so i suggest you get women are from Venus,once i started reading i realised i was doing everything wrong and i gained confidence by loving myself first,I started chatting on Facebook which gave me a lot of confidence as i was very shy so i also suggest you join some chat groups 

    Secondly i got another book called THE SECRET it was Amazing and totally changed my life so please buy these two books 

    now armed with all the information i am now happily married i am 56 my husband is 28 we have been together 5 years and still madley in love the as the day we met ,I am telling you my story because i can relate to you so much and trust me you dont need medication just change your life 

    once you have mastered the art then girls will easily come to you and want to be around you as girls are attracted to confident guys which my hubby is and this attracted me 

    the gym is also a good start as a nice body gives you confidence and the girls love it ,get yourself a personal trainer i did and it was the best ever as i got in really good shape and my trainer was a great guy who gave me the confidence he became like a friend and the more i got in shape the better i felt plus you will get to meet people please dont shut yourself away as i did as things will only get worse 

    I used to luck at other people and wonder why they where so happy and i was not and the thing is the happiness is inside you just have to bring it out dont get me wrong there are still times when im low but on the whole life is good and im thankful for having a husband who cares for me which is what you need the right person in your life so please get yourself together and change your life only you can do it no one is going to knock on your door and do it for you 

    i will keep checking this post if you need to talk i will reply you.there is someone out there waiting to love you 

     

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  • Posted

    Clearsky I've just read through your discussion and I was in tears at the end and echo what Deirdre has just said.

    you remind me in many ways of my eldest son who is 31 and lives at home with us. My other two have left home and live with their partners. He desparately wants a girlfriend, he's never had one, infact he's never even kissed a girl. He tried online dating and one girl he met let him pay for dinner, went to the ladies and never came back. Another didn't even turn up, and the last one left him to pay and went to join friends at another table and left with her friends. He is forever saying there's something wrong with him and says he will be single for life.

    hes got no confidence at all, but like you he is good looking, dresses well but when he's out with his two friends from school, hasn't the confidence to talk to other people. Dont

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  • Posted

    Mate, there's a lot to pick through in there!!

    Good for you to put 'pen to paper', it appears to me that you need to first get some counselling, ( just to have someone to listen to you is a relief), rather than having all those emotions bottled away. 

    When you describe how you feel, my wife had a very traumatic childhood ( which caused her no end of anxiety, self confidence, self loathing issues. . But with a lot of support. & GP involvement/ counselling & recommended self help books we came through it! I get that it may not be as easy for you to get family support, but through support groups there may a route?? Make an app with a DR at any rate, & tell them how it is for you. . I found medication was an absolute winner, although it's not the be & end of mental health problems. !!

    Try not to  be to judgemental of yourself, you really don't have to compare yourself to anyone else, just to be comfortable in yourself. & learn to give yourself a break!

    It must be incredibly tiring with all those worries churning inside your head, so take one step at a time, such deep routed (it would suggest from childhood) issues take time to 'get better' !

    You have a lot to give & take heart that you've made that first important step by posting your story! I wish you all the best, mart. BW

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  • Posted

    Think there's something the matter with you. You seemed to have been dealt a rough deal in life through no fault of your own.

    i feel so sorry for you with no-one to love you. Beauty comes from inside you. You sound an intelligent and deep thinking young man. Like Deirdre said I just want to hug you and care for you. Don't give up please, I keep telling my son that there is someone out there for him, he will find someone who will love him for who he is. Out of my 3 kids, he's the most caring and kind one. He is vunerable and trusts people, unlike his younger brother who has the gift of the gab and would trample on anyone to get what he wants and sod anyone else. Take care and post on here whenever you want, use the forum like talking to someone, tell us what you've been doing and how you're feeling. You will get loads of support here and you'll realise that we've all been in dark places.

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  • Posted

    I hope this is a start for you as you can see you have lots of support from everyone here and everyone has a story of something similar so you are not alone ,even my son who is good looking is experiencing hard times because he lacks confidence but with my suport i am making him strong  and thats all you need is support so please get the help you need make the first step and go to see a counceler just to have someone to listen to you without judging will make you feel better and give you strength you need Martyn has good advice and everyone here will listen to you ,look on it as a start of a journey to a new life ,find that inner strength to start your new life ,I dont think you need medication but sometimes it helps to take the edge of things and give you a start and help you cope ,so please keep us all updated on your journey 
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  • Posted

    Hi clearsky, firstly, are you still smoking weed?  A lot of what you write, as I m sure you know, is a very common situation amongst drug users.  You mention experiencing psychedelics ........ Huge mistake.

    You're also extremely articulate and indeed have a clear view of where you want to be.  So I do think you can push yourself to take the next steps.  Friendships, romance and self worth are top of your list. How do you get there? It's taking the hard route, not the easy one.  Drug use will only ever make you feel worse, so that must stop. Today. Physical exercise is effort and self discipline. Recognise it as effort and a job, and something you must do to get better. So trainers on and out you go and run to the end of your street and back.  Tomorrow, run to a store buy yourself a small treat and run back.  Rain and cold weather is a gift. Get wet, get cold, feel alive. come home to a gorgeous hot shower and feel satisfyingly tired. make yourself a chart. Set yourself targets.  Run run and run some more.  As you physically get stronger, you will mentally get stronger.  Run when angry. You will feel better about yourself. You will feel better about others. You will take pride in your achievements.  Good luck and get out there xxxxx

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  • Posted

    Excellent advice from Chris. Take your frustrations and anger out running and really push yourself to go a bit further each day. Definitely quit the weed, you need a clear head to work out your goals and for when you see a counsellor. Drugs and alcohol mess with your brain and your thoughts and feelings and you can't think things through in a logical way. Give the running a go and tell us how it went.
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