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I am just writing this to sort of get everything out of my head and to see if others feel similar and how severe it is in comparison to others who are depressed. I would greatly appreciate if anyone would take the time to read this but obviously would understand if you don't want to.
I feel I have always had this confusion and unsureness deep inside me. It's very difficult to explain I am just kind of not confident or positive about anything it seems. I guess to start this off I am a 19 year old male. I have been depressed since I was a freshman in high school. I was sort of unhappy since i was 12 when my grandfather passed away because I was raised by him and my grandma because my mom died when I was very young and my dad is a sh*t head so he was basically my father. But I just specifically remember when I was a 15 and a freshman in high school was when I started to feel like I wanted to die. This feeling went on and off through high school, it wasn't too severe but there were its times. About a month or two before I graduated (about 7 months ago) the feeling got significantly worse.
I had always thought I was depressed but once the feeling deepened I realized I had no idea how dead I could feel. I sort of feel like I am not even a person. Like I am literally missing something that everyone else seems to have. Everyone I see seems to be filled with so much life and personality and they seem to have this understanding and confidence that I just don't have. I personally don't understand how people can feel so confident in everything; to me it feels like there is nothing I could ever be certain of. I feel so very different from everybody I have ever met. I don't really feel I have ever had a real connection with anybody and that thought sort of haunts me. It makes me feel unhuman and like I will continue to be alone forever. I have friends but only guy friends and I am not particularly close to any of them and as a guy it’s not like you typically talk to your male friends about emotional issues unless you joke about how terrible you feel. But lately I have been drifting away from my "friends" because of how unhappy I have been. I just don't really feel like putting on the act that I'm happy and living up to the expectations.
I sort of feel completely alone. All of my real thoughts have just sat in my head pretty much my whole life. I long for affection and dream of meeting a girl who is different and who maybe sees something in me however I'm not sure if there is anything to see as I am a self-loathing, depressed individual. I have never had a real girlfriend. In elementary school I had one but obviously it doesn't count as it was kind of ridiculous anyways. This really bothers me and makes me feel even more unhuman. Like no one could actually love me for the person I am. I tend to make this feeling worse by watching semi romantic films (Donnie Darko, buffalo 66, beginners, before sunrise/sunset, eternal sunshine...,blue velvet) and listening to sad or depressing music(velvet underground, joy division, smiths, ect..) Although these things can make the feeling so deep sometimes I still enjoy them so very much because I kind of feel like love is the only genuine thing I see anymore. I feel everything I see in my day to day life is absolute bullsh*t and I just feel I cannot take it any longer. I am just a meaningless spec in the universe but for all I know life is meaningless and we make ourselves feel horrible searching for meaning when there is none, or maybe not, who knows.
I feel one reason I am so alone is my extreme anxiety. I often get nervous talking to anyone I don't already know and it’s so severe I can even get nervous ordering food at places... So that is one reason I have never been in a relationship as I am so "shy". I am not really comfortable with myself at all and I don't know why. The truth of the matter is I often don't know what to say. I kind of feel I am not worth the patience it would take for me to get comfortable with someone and girls don't chase after guys so I know I need to work on this... I am not unconfident in how I look I feel I am an alright looking guy but I am very short (5,5) and this kind of upsets me and I get that that’s unattractive and I feel I look about 16. I think I always just hold myself back because I feel I could never live up to anyone’s expectations.
I have come to completely hate myself. I just hate were I have gotten myself, all alone and absent of any affection from another person and I understand it is my fault. I often tell kind of horrible things to myself but I can't really help it, I just feel I make myself so unhappy and can't seem to do anything to better my situation. I kind of feel someone could like me if they could only see into me and have some understanding. I think that is what I want more than anything in the whole world is for someone to understand me. Just one person because honestly I don't understand myself... I feel like genuine understanding is so rare and it’s something you could really never know for sure, but it would be beautiful to feel like you shared it with someone.
In the past 4 months things have gotten pretty bad for me. I was on tasc for a while for possession of marijuana from when I was 17 that they waited over a year to charge me for but I am finished now which is a relief but I am dealing with some bad medical issues. The doctor believes it may be something with my nerves but it’s been 4 months and we still are not sure of what is wrong and the worst thing is it is kind of directly affecting my penis... Like it works fine but there are just problems that I won't go into detail with which really upsets me as I am a 19 year old virgin and I feel I shouldn't have to worry about that... This has increased my anxiety so severely and I am dealing with so many symptoms I cannot even think straight anymore... I often loose were I am in my head feel so confused. One day my thoughts will be so clear and the next I am unsure of literally everything and can't even form a proper thought. My sex drive is extremely low lately with all my anxiety and other symptoms and medication I’m on which wouldn't necessarily bother me but with the anxiety I have it has caused me to have so much anxiety that at one point I was questioning my sexuality... It made me so angry because I knew I wasn't gay but my mind would make me worry about it and it was so ridiculous because there is no reason for me to think this it was just like my mind wanted to f*ck with me... I am feeling better about that situation and I know it is unreasonable.
I often daydream of dying and I think of killing myself every day. The thoughts of suicide have become more genuine in the past 7 months and it literally goes through my head everyday quite frequently. I don't believe I would kill myself as I just want things to get better but I don't really see that happening as I can't even envision myself in a relationship anymore because I don't know if a girl could want to be in a relationship with me and all my problems. I know a relationship wouldn't fix everything obviously but it just sounds so comforting. Just to have someone care about me for the person I am. I kind of feel like I would be ok if I had one person I was comfortable with and could actually talk to. I just feel so absolutely empty and unhuman and almost every night I hope I don't wake up, but I do to be instantly filled with this dark feeling.
I feel like I am completely losing my mind and like I am crazy. I am so quick to get unreasonably angry I just feel like I am going to explode. I have so much hate in me because I feel like a lot of people are just plain cruel and it seems like the world is just wrong and illogical most of the time. I just don't get it and I don't see how others don't see it how I do. I get the world can be beautiful and profound but sadly my most beautiful experiences were on psychedelics... Those experiences being amazing and all but it makes me sad that my best memories aren’t with a person but a substance that gave me some hope and insight.
When it comes down to it I just really don't want to be alone anymore and would be so gratefully to meet a girl who saw something in me. But honestly I feel it would be unfair of me to be in a relationship as how depressed I am, I do feel I would love them but maybe too much and I worry I would fall in love to easily and quickly since how I feel. I am not scared of dying anymore but I am terrified of being alone forever as I think of dying every day and it doesn't haunt me the way being alone does...
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