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How can i change myself?

Posted , 4 users are following.

yellowbuzz
yellowbuzz

Hello everyone, i am a 37 year old female that suffers from depression, anxiety, self doubt and been told ADD and CPTSD. Although im on medication and have seen psychologist after psychologist since i was 18 i dont seem to be getting better and my fear is growing as i get older that my life is really passing me by without actually being in control of what i eexperience, instead being a victim of hurtful life events. I have no self worth and understanding that that is something only i can change, fearful thoughts fill my head and everyday is a a struggle, let alone being able to challenge my dread feeling my head.. anyway hence not wanting to work at all or be around people.

I used to work and hard, being around people in hospitality for 15 years, hiding my unhappiness, not eating and smoking pot. Believe it or not i was happier then, but i did get to a point i couldnt go on anymore. It felt like a nervous breakdown.

Ive used coffee to give myself energy this whole time, i now continue using it as my vice, aswell as dexampetamine. I still stay inside all day, confused as to who i am, scared of life and recieving no answers from my intuition, which is what i have belief in the most, i am very spiritual type, nature and feelings if that represents being 'spiritual'.

Okay... my questions if anyone can help me. 1) Where has the flow of my own intuition gone? I feel dull like i have lost my personality... why?

2) The thoughts that control my mind feel like that is what i thought of as a child, did i damage my own self? Why cant i move on to be an adult?

3) I feel disabled. I dont want to be a child in an adult world its humiliating. What am i suppose to do but wish i was dead?

Its so sad to have this mindset. Im actually very kind, loving, and beautiful really i am so how can i be so self centred and anxious about my fears? Our fears must effect as all, why im i stuck and cant get over it? Am i just completely stupid?

I have an idea that as a 'kid' i wished so much that i was dead that subconsciously now im trying to make that come true. I get angry that life should be fun and some people go out and have that, they annoy me because my lifes been nothing but fun, unfortunately im the one missing out although that doesnt stop me from being stuck in my worried mind, its something automatic. How do you change that?

Thankyou for reading my story. Ive never written in a forum before and i feel it will be helpful. I hope someone has some insight for me and i am truely grateful for any replys.

1 like, 20 replies

20 Replies

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  • richard89308
    richard89308 yellowbuzz

    Posted

    have you tried talking to a drugs counsellor?
    • JackDM
      JackDM richard89308

      Posted

      The dex amphetamine this Lady takes is a prescribed medication for Attention Deficit Disorder. It affects the central nervous system of ADD sufferers very differently from the central nervous system of people who don't have ADD, also the doses tend to be quite small. Usually under 100mgs.
    • richard89308
      richard89308 JackDM

      Posted

      sorry  Jack and  yb I didn't know about the dex amphetamine.
  • louiselost
    louiselost yellowbuzz

    Posted

    Your mindset is the underpinning and cornerstone for everything that happens in your life.  It's a collection of all your beliefs, behaviors, feelings, emotions and attiftudes.

     You CAN change your mindset - the moment you notice the rise in anxiety, embrace it, let you know that it's just thoughts and feelings that can't hurt you. Another tactic that you can apply is try tricking the brain into believing all is well and you're safe and sound.  Give the mind some positive feedback.

    Somehow you can move forward and make little changes, focusing on your positive voice.  Exercise, learn  something new, breathing, yoga - and visualize your new mind set with the maintenance of a positive mental attitude.

    Don't ever think you can't change because you WILL.

    • yellowbuzz
      yellowbuzz louiselost

      Posted

      I hope to. Feeling stuck for so long is scary.

      Today i walked to the bus stop and i normally dont leave the house so i felt quite shaken, given i had to get somewhere and needed my legs to walk i started repeated 'yes you can'.... yes you can... constantly till i got there. So i understand what you mean.

      Then i was a negitive hating mind, is that just how jumpy my mind is? Or was it tired after being challenged? Was negitive for the rest of the day.

      To visualise when my mind is too tired for words is something i could do.

      Thankyou so much 💛 Train my Brain

  • JackDM
    JackDM yellowbuzz

    Posted

    I think you are suffering from depression and anxiety. I think some of the anxiety is manifesting itself in your tendency to overthink things. I can empathise with you.

    I think you have become 'stuck in a rut' and you are metaphorically stuck between a rock and a hard place. You find your isolation depressing, but I think you may have been isolating yourself for some time now. The prospect of getting back into a more active and sociable life makes you feel very anxious. Then the two things feed off each other, depression keeps you isolated, which makes the prospect of getting back out there frightening, which feeds your anxiety, which causes you to isolate more and so on.

    you could set yourself small manageable goals. You could begin doing some physical activity, like swimming, even once a week. You could try taking your meds at a different time of day.

    Have you ever considered that you may actually be slightly over medicated?  You describe your intuition as something you feel has been dulled. This could be caused by a depressive illness but it could also be coming from the Dexedrine you are prescribed for ADD.

    Its a good thing that you are asking yourself these questions. I would reccomend you pay a visit to your GP and describe how you are feeling. It may be that a simple antidepressant could help.

    please let me assure you that you are not 'just completely stupid'! I think you are, bright, articulate and contrary to how you feel I think you are intuitive.

    You are a clever person that has become stuck in a rut, probably because you are depressed. Being a clever person your mind wants to be active so it is being active by over analysing your predicament and your own thought processes.

    Set some easy goals, commit to even just a little exercise and see a GP about your state of mind. I think you have anxiety depression.

    I wish you all the best.

    • yellowbuzz
      yellowbuzz JackDM

      Posted

      Hi

      Thankyou for your time and words of encouragement i feel relieved already. Very helpful.

      I have always been a over thinking type and yes i can see it has to be balanced out with some physical activity, that would be a pracitcal goal for myself.

      I could be over medicated, being on alot more than dexampetamine aswell. Dexampethamine is a tricky medication to figure out how much its actually helping and how much it doesn't help. Feeling dull and a lost spark circles around again to feed the depression.

      Thanks again!

  • Guest
    Guest yellowbuzz

    Posted

    Do you have a therapist of a counsellor or someone who is trained to help?
    • JackDM
      JackDM Guest

      Posted

      Where do you live? Just give me the general area and I'll tell you if I know someone in that area
    • Guest
      Guest JackDM

      Posted

      I'm from Canada.

      did you mean to comment to yellowbuzz?

    • JackDM
      JackDM Guest

      Posted

      Sorry, I tagged you with that question by mistake.
    • yellowbuzz
      yellowbuzz Guest

      Posted

      I do but i dont see them regularly. My psychiatrist ive had for 3 years. I dont believe he'd remember the story ive shared with him but doesnt ask me to see him in a certain amount of time so i do avoid it as i panic. Havent seen psychololist for 8 months, cant decide what to do i am always avoiding the confusion and worry of making a decision in anything at all honestly.
    • Guest
      Guest yellowbuzz

      Posted

      sorry to hear that.

      can you find a more personal one?

    • yellowbuzz
      yellowbuzz

      Posted

      Aussie.

      What i hav found most helpful to me is printing out my own DBT worksheets. That only goes so far. I guess meditating or yoga is a step worthwhile too.

    • yellowbuzz
      yellowbuzz Guest

      Posted

      Yes i could do. Will talk to him about my medication first and see about changing it around. Thkyou
    • Guest
      Guest yellowbuzz

      Posted

      No problem at all. 

      If you need anything at all, post on here or feel free to send me a PM.

      You are not alone and you can beat this.

      Good luck and all the best! 

      smile

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