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How can i change myself?

Posted , 4 users are following.

yellowbuzz
yellowbuzz

Hello everyone, i am a 37 year old female that suffers from depression, anxiety, self doubt and been told ADD and CPTSD. Although im on medication and have seen psychologist after psychologist since i was 18 i dont seem to be getting better and my fear is growing as i get older that my life is really passing me by without actually being in control of what i eexperience, instead being a victim of hurtful life events. I have no self worth and understanding that that is something only i can change, fearful thoughts fill my head and everyday is a a struggle, let alone being able to challenge my dread feeling my head.. anyway hence not wanting to work at all or be around people.

I used to work and hard, being around people in hospitality for 15 years, hiding my unhappiness, not eating and smoking pot. Believe it or not i was happier then, but i did get to a point i couldnt go on anymore. It felt like a nervous breakdown.

Ive used coffee to give myself energy this whole time, i now continue using it as my vice, aswell as dexampetamine. I still stay inside all day, confused as to who i am, scared of life and recieving no answers from my intuition, which is what i have belief in the most, i am very spiritual type, nature and feelings if that represents being 'spiritual'.

Okay... my questions if anyone can help me. 1) Where has the flow of my own intuition gone? I feel dull like i have lost my personality... why?

2) The thoughts that control my mind feel like that is what i thought of as a child, did i damage my own self? Why cant i move on to be an adult?

3) I feel disabled. I dont want to be a child in an adult world its humiliating. What am i suppose to do but wish i was dead?

Its so sad to have this mindset. Im actually very kind, loving, and beautiful really i am so how can i be so self centred and anxious about my fears? Our fears must effect as all, why im i stuck and cant get over it? Am i just completely stupid?

I have an idea that as a 'kid' i wished so much that i was dead that subconsciously now im trying to make that come true. I get angry that life should be fun and some people go out and have that, they annoy me because my lifes been nothing but fun, unfortunately im the one missing out although that doesnt stop me from being stuck in my worried mind, its something automatic. How do you change that?

Thankyou for reading my story. Ive never written in a forum before and i feel it will be helpful. I hope someone has some insight for me and i am truely grateful for any replys.

1 like, 20 replies

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  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 yellowbuzz

    Posted

    I think you need to keep searching for a therapist you click with and can help you.theres a few issues going on at once so its fantastic you want to change and grow but i think a professional guidance is the best route. One hard part here when vulnerable or we feel unsafe we regress emotionally back to our youth for comfort, if that comforts not there theres underlying issues to deal with. You have to oeel away the layers slowly and deal with thatto get the core. Its all very possible
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